Markandey Katju: People from Allahabad

“If the law supposes that," said Mr. Bumble, squeezing his hat emphatically in both hands, “the law is a ass — a idiot. If that's the eye of the law, the law is a bachelor; and the worst I wish the law is, that his eye may be opened by experience — by experience.”

- Oliver Twist, Charles Dickens

First Katju condemns Indians, citing Alexander Hamilton’s likening of us to asses and sheep as insufficient, and helpfully adds bhoosa and gobar-filled. Indians condemn Katju in return. An op-ed in The Hindu is usually sufficient to achieve this. (Sorry Ram, you lost me at vegetarian canteen). Then Katju condemns Gandhi, as a British agent, and Bose, as a Japanese one. Then Queen Parliament condemns him, lest he be mistaken as an Indian agent. (At which point a Twitter follower helpfully pipes in to ask if Katju also knew any good LIC agents, leaving even the former CJI momentarily speechless). Katju then, attention-seeking last-wordist that he is, condemns Parliament, waving his virtual fist with stern warning: "You don’t mess with people of Allahabad". To which the good people of Allahabad – Shubha Mudgal, Amitabh Bachchan, string theorist Ashoke Sen, poet Arvind Krishna Mehrotra, Hariprasad Chaurasia, Dhyan Chand, MA Naqvi, and Kipling from beyond his grave – expressed their joy at indeed being messed with by Parliament. Bachchan is currently shooting more ads on Gujarat Tourism, hugging drenched semi-asphyxiated lion cubs in rivers breaking their embankments, to express this very joy, even as we speak, and was last heard seeking a haveli for rent near Somnath. The rest are expunging the records of their birth. Russia in the meanwhile rang the presidential hotline to deter any potential labelling of Katju as a Russian agent. Putin has enough bad press on his hands. Federal agents in Nizhnevartovsk have begun raiding hatha yoga studios citing radicalisation in one possible outcome. "We can’t have parliament-baiters unleashing their kundalini-charged potential" a KGB intercept said. In the meanwhile Katju, calling Hindi and Urdu granddaughters of Sanskrit, born to various Prakrits, the former born of artificial insemination while the latter, conceived naturally, has moved the Apex Court for the "sake of scientific temper, humanism and spirit of inquiry and reform". Last spotted, scientific temper and the spirit of inquiry and reform were headed towards the raging Mumbai high tide on the Rajiv Gandhi Sea Link and were being chased down by a runaway wedding horse called Payal. Within chambers, one hears, an intense round of gin rummy is underway, with winnings accumulated in recusals. Shantata, court chalu aahe.