Why Kim Kardashian isn't coming to India

It's official. Kim Kardashian, the American celebrity famous for being famous, is not coming, to India. Earlier, Interstellar director Christopher Nolan was rumoured to be coming to Mumbai, but he denied ever planning a visit. Before you say Mumbai is building quite a reputation here, let us clarify that Kim the Dim was actually coming, to Mumbai.

She had announced in a tweet on November 14, "Just touched down in Australia!!! My perfume world tour begins for my new fragrance Fleur Fatale! Next stop India and then Dubai! All in 1 week!" This tweet also revealed that she also sells a perfume brand. She later announced that she was coming to the Bigg Boss House: "Namaste India... I am coming to India... into the Bigg Boss house." She raised a billion hopes or whatever it is called in a lot of Indians before the news of her not coming came crashing down on them like an unprovoked lathicharge by Kuala Lumpur Police Department, Malaysia, Truly Asia.

What came as a shock was that most TV channels and newspapers chose to bury the biggest news of the day by playing up random news about Sinners and Saints. A Ranjit Sinner and a Rampal Saint to jail. Colors, the channel that hosts Bigg Boss, also played it down by issuing a brief statement: "Unfortunately, Kim will not be able to enter the country due to some visa issue." This is shorter than the longest shorts she ever wore.

But why should one believe sources when speculation is a fundamental right, not restrained by Nehru's early attempts to muzzle freedom of speech? Size does matter. The speculation most speculated is about the size of you know what. You have hit the bottom if you thought of Kim's famous derriere, because we are talking about the size of India's poor population. And, of course, television screens.

India is a poor country. No shame in admitting it. We may wish to be a superpower, but we are a middle-class country, where people struggle to make ends meet, and very few have televisions in sizes 42 inches and wider. Those who can buy a large-screen TV, do not, because it would require a room bigger than 42 inches diagonally. The smaller screens cannot accommodate a celebrity of Kim's size. We all have seen her famous celebrity, without clothes in a Paper magazine. The 34-year-old broke the internet with that photo-shoot. Official sources said that the government of India denied her entry lest she broke the television. She is wife to Kanye West, and mom to North West, further alienating the Northeast, ignored by successive governments in Delhi.

"She is disruptive and destructive. This woman broke the internet earlier this month. We have a fledgling TV industry, where most TVs are imported from Korea and most TV shows are copied from Latin America. Can the government ignore the genuine concerns of its citizens? Mr Modi has just taken over, and if anybody breaks the television, it should be our Prime Minister, not a Kim Whatever. Because ultimately, the government will have to compensate," said an official source.

So, the move to blame it on some visa isn't cutting it. First, nobody is ready to believe that she wouldn't have a visa. Second, one could always use the MasterCard, because for everything else, you can use it. Engineers were about to fix the broken internet at the time of the filing of this report, and if you can read this, they have.