Open letter to all bitchy stay-at-home moms
Dear S-A-H-M,
Just in case you didn't get that, probably because you're too busy forwarding stupid jokes instead of doing any real reading, it stands for Stay-At-Home Mom. It's a category that needn't have been invented had it not been for your necessity to compete with the "Working Mom" title; so there you have it, your very own abbreviated identity.
Before I begin, can I ask you to dim that halo around your head, just a little, because it's seriously hurting my eyes. The luminosity of it, and of your very existence, is giving me an existential crisis, and the only crises I can deal with on a week day are poo poo in the pants, overdue homework sheets, and #WhatDoIMakeForDinner. Of course, you don't have to deal with any of this, because your child NEVER misses homework, poo pooing anywhere other than the pot would be sacrilegious, and dinner is not only planned, but cooked and served in coordinated candy-coloured melamine, well ahead of time.
At no point do I feel your brilliance shine brighter than when you assiduously compare notes with fellow S-A-H-Ms at school functions, where you turn up manicured (those new gel nails, lucky b%$#*), and Prada-ed, talking about the latest Kumon class, ballerina trial or soccer championship your kid just joined/aced, while my kid practises her moves to MJ and Maroon 5's songs at home. Or even better, when you take off on the WhatsApp group at precisely 3.24, 6 minutes after your child has walked in home, discussing the goings-on of the day, how your child liked lunch, and exchanging HW (homework) know how. I, of course, have patiently taught my child to contain all her excitement and wait for me to show up at the door exhausted and cranky, but feigning excitement to hear about how her day went. Not for you those fun quizzes at dinner time, because you actually have enough time for both - dinner and quiz time. Or maybe, it's just not something that you need to do, since you outsourced it to school pretty much like you outsource everything else.
It's even better when there is something to actually talk about. Like a small fracas at a school outing, for instance. That's when you really show your helicopter parenting skills. You dive right into the topic on WhatsApp of course, and then, yes, all 53 of you, shred it to pieces, curse the school, deride the school authorities for their irresponsibility, and then, without actually taking any constructive action, are satiated, having honed your protesting skills to the maximum. This activism is really praiseworthy.
Let's not even talk about your exemplary housekeeping skills. About how clean and ordered your children's cupboards are and how each clip is kept at the right place, matching dress in tow. We believe you when you say that you do everything yourself even though you can't attend a single birthday without a retinue of staff and all your claims of how it's so important to always be there for your kids is belied by the pictures you post on Facebook every single day. In fact, I'm amazed at how many friends you have, forget that most of them exist in the virtual world. And that you're so happy to spend your days mingling with new-found acquaintances you "met" on FB groups, tied as you are by such strong bonds - you live in the same township, after all!
While I sit at a desk, or out in the field, struggling to balance my career, my kids and my life, because after all, I choose to work, and because my parents educated me the same way my husband's parents did him, you are able to have it all - the omnipresent mom who's always there. It is with some wonder then that I smile when you ask me for help on summer projects that you attempt to start on the last two days - if you haven't given it out to a professional - listen to my views on world politics and current issues, hear me exchange notes on the latest book I read, and meticulously plan play dates with other working moms, who well, get it. Who get the pain, the guilt, the daily struggle, but who also savour the rewards of a career, know that they're setting themselves up as role models for their children in the future, are financially savvy and yes, who attempt to have equal say in most decisions and relationships.
Yours lovingly,
Monster Career Mom