Why do Indian men believe women want less sex?
It is a universally acknowledged truth that a person born with a penis will eventually grow up to be someone who absolutely loves to have sex. For a very long time, people were made to believe that it is perhaps the seat of sexual desire. Therefore, the lack of a penis automatically meant comparatively lower sexual drive.
Physiological studies have time and again showed that higher levels of testosterone in men make them more sexually inclined. Culturally, the onus on virginity and curbing the sexual drive of married women was a convenient way to ensure lineage. It was conditioned into the minds of women that having a high sex drive was abnormal. Deviants were labelled mad and locked up in the attic, considered demonic and shunned, or believed to be hysterical, requiring never-ending medical counselling.
While a lot has changed since then at least in the minds of women, most men on the other hand still consider their counterparts as creatures with low sex drive.
Minal (name changed), who works as a PR consultant and is fervently into Tinder matching, was shocked to know that the guy she had sex with didn’t look forward to another night of a hot date only because he thought that for her it was enough for the week to come.
When she questioned his concept of “enough”, he retorted that perhaps it wasn’t “normal or healthy” for women to want sex so much. His terrible attempt at mansplaining was the end of their dating game because “honestly”, she said, “sex, great and in plenty, is the key to my heart.”
Female sexuality is successfully coming out into the open. From movies to television series to literature, women are seen as assertive and demanding. They are confident of their sexuality, keen to go on dates via social media and don’t mind buying a vibrator to masturbate whenever they feel the need to orgasm.
Despite the changes, most men still choose to live inside the bubble of thwarted female sexuality. Does it add to their macho image? Or the mindset that believes that easy sex is a luxury bestowed upon men only.
What is it that makes men think that women don’t want as much sex as them? Is it the differences in the physiology of men and women? Or culture? Or both? One thing is clear that both men and women are responsible for this mindset but the proportions may vary.
At times, it is the women who make men think that perhaps they don’t need as much action in the bedroom. Rajat, an engineering student, has a typical problem in understanding what goes into the mind of his partner. As he explains his situation on a help website, she keeps giving mixed signals which are tough for him to decode.
The times he feels she is playing hard to get and goes on to woo her, he gets snubbed for being too desperate. Then there are times when he engages with her in things other than sex and is accused of losing interest in her body.
“Why can’t she be open about her sexual needs and wants? Why can’t she just keep it simple and tell me directly?” is one major concern in his life. Directness can definitely solve a lot of issues.
Somehow men are responsible too for their women not wanting to have sex with them. First things first, no one wants to have sex with a selfish prick who only thinks about his own orgasm.
When a woman knows that the sex she is going to have will be a fulfilling experience for her, she will not only be ready for it but also initiate it. A woman loves when her man makes efforts for her pleasure.
A giving man gets manifold in return. Sex for women is a combination of physical and emotional experience. While a man can have sex just for the sake of physical gratification, most women also seek an emotional connection. It is for this reason that when a woman detaches herself from her man and avoids sex, the reason is more than physical.
Abhinav (name changed) fell in love with Jiya for being the confident, outgoing and assertive woman that he always wanted in his life. They would talk about their sexual fantasies, desires and kinks and do the best to fulfil them.
They were a happily married couple. A few years down the line they decided to have a kid. While Jiya took care of the baby, household and him, Abhinav had an affair with someone else. When asked by a close friend, he said, “Jiya has changed. She doesn’t love me anymore, has no time for me and is no longer interested in sex.”
The fact is that taking care of the baby, home and work left her not only physically exhausted but also emotionally drained. Sharing responsibilities, showing some warmth and care can definitely turn the spark within her into a wildfire.
Women choose to keep their sexuality under covers because the society doesn’t take long to slut-shame them. Casual sex is apparently reserved for men. Women trying to enter this arena are labelled as whores. Wearing revealing clothes by choice is considered as an invitation for rape. Single women in the open dating circle are not seen in a good light.
Forget having sex - if a woman openly talks about her desires, fantasies and wants, she is immediately considered as easy or of loose character even if she shares it with a man she likes and trusts.
Women are not from Venus or some other planet where sex is necessary only for procreation. Women too love sex as much as men. Much like their bodies, the world of female sexuality is deep, dark and unexplored.
So instead of thinking that women don’t need as much sex as men, it would be better that men should learn how to woo, explore and please their women. Sex is not a race that either gender has to win in terms of frequency or drive. It is an exploration of the desires of the self and the other where men and women partake as a whole to experience pleasure and fulfillment.