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The National Condolence Register

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Gayatri Jayaraman
Gayatri JayaramanJul 08, 2015 | 09:52

The National Condolence Register

Within the PMO, in one of those filing cabinets, is a folder marked the Condolence Register, which maps the degree of grief to be imparted on deaths of one's countrymen. A unique RTI request has sought to make it clear how many lives make a condolence and how many condolences make for a speech. Rapes, sexual harassment, dates gone wrong, and affiliated hanging falls under the category of routine national mutilatory activities, and thus call for no response. DGs are required to, by official mandate, state that they are "launching a full investigation into the matter" preferably before making random conciliatory arrests. But after will also do. Fishermen have the coast guard handling it, but must coordinate with film stars over incarceration benefits. Christmas vacations and family reunion suppers and children's birthday parties are exempt, so Lip-Biting Silence is the preferred official mode of operation. In the case of Indians deceased overseas, the external affairs ministry is required to tweet intent to repatriate. This functions as official communications of Stage 1: Sorrow. Sorrow being the first of the five stages of official grief, post silence. In stage 2, comes the derailing of transport vehicles supported by public funds. This does not include state buses falling into chasms on ill-maintained mountain roads or Delhiites run over by Greenline buses. There are limits, I say. At some visible TV channel prurient wreckage of steel and metal, and/or the involvement of a national animal, such as the elephant, or Maoists, some Stage 2: Perturbation may be expressed. Deeply disturbed, Stage 3, is reserved for the torture and martyrdom of police forces and Army men caught in conflict situations. Typically, the stage must be accompanied by an intent or announcement, where possible, of procuring better boots, vests, or the fresh sanction of food, if not airlifts, to surviving soldiers forgotten on glaciers. Coast Guards at the bottom of the sea and missing Dorniers have not yet been listed in essential services. Stage 4: Profound grief and solidarity is expressed for the loss of lives in Ferguson, American school shootings, international terrorist attacks, natural disasters, or the loss of relatives and family members of national leaders of friendly countries. Or countries that we just want to remind the world that they, and we, exist. You know, like Malta. Stage 5: Calculated and strategic silence is when journalists and their mothers are burnt alive and/or poisoned. When whistle blowers are silenced. When, #DespiteBeingAWoman and other statements that cause national self-esteem to flinch in embarassment, trend on Twitter. And, in general, when at any point the body count is larger than the number of hands of foreign dignitaries shaken in India or overseas in the same month. Stage 5 also converges in banking with the Vijay Mallya Principle of Money Lending, in which banks may seek damages for sums up to and equal to an impossible to pay-back amount, in which case, strategic silence, is the default setting reverted to by officialdom.

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Quiet please. Do not make a noise during a rally. Do not applaud a net cord or a double fault. Do not remove your shirt at any time.

Last updated: July 08, 2015 | 12:16
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