Why are so many Indian teens killing themselves? Start with 13 Reasons Why
My best friend had once slit his wrists when he was in college. He said he tried to kill himself because he was bullied ruthlessly by his fellow students who made rude jibes about his "effeminate" body language and asked uncomfortable questions about his sexuality.
They often scribbled obscenities on classroom black boards about my friend's genitals and sexual proclivities. In his own words, my friend felt "worthless, hopeless and helpless".
As fate would have it, the slash on his wrist wasn't deep and the doctors were able to save him before he bled out. I didn't know him during this turbulent phase in his life as we only met much later.
But watching Hannah Baker slit her wrist in the season 1 finale of Netflix's 13 Reasons Why gave me an idea of what my friend might have been through. The hesitation and the pain on Hannah's face looked terrifyingly real showcasing how suicide is never easy or painless. People seldom drift away gently. Suicide is horrifying and ugly.
As the blood oozed out of Hannah's wrists and the water in the bath tub turned darker, I felt genuinely traumatised as I kept imagining my best friend in her place. In the week that followed, I would randomly call my friend just to ask him how he was doing.
Many parents, teachers and mental health professionals have condemned 13 Reasons Why, for glorifying suicide. The show was also come in for some scathing criticism for making the tapes Hannah left behind as an audio version of a suicide note, come across as a tool to in a way live on, even after death. It therefore makes the show come across as a revenge fantasy of a dead teen.
All of these observations are valid to an extent. But I think the show has raised some very important points about how we react to bullying. It is not just the behaviour of the students, but also teachers, parents and counselors that has been called into question.
Take the example of ragging that is common at the beginning of the academic term. I remember my mother telling me, "It is a part of life. Handle it smartly." Luckily I escaped ragging because I looked much older than my age and nobody thought I was a "fresher".
But I realise today, that as much as my mother loved me and wanted what was best for me, her advice was problematic on multiple levels. First, calling ragging "a part of life" legitimises oppressive or derogatory behaviour.
Secondly, it encourages the teen to torment another person one when they get an opportunity next year as to their impressionable minds this becomes a valid coping mechanism. Third, it places the responsibility of protecting oneself on the teenager instead of providing them with a support system that tackles and puts an end to bullying.
But, you can't blame everything on parents! Teenagers today have to take responsibility if their actions result in somebody's death. This is because bullying is one of the biggest reasons behind teen suicides. Teenager need to be held accountable for creating and perpetuating a toxic environment in schools and colleges.
There is a complex ecosystem with a power dynamic that includes the "cool" kids, the "mean girls" as well as the "jocks" who take pleasure in hurting and humiliating those who are either physically or emotionally vulnerable. This didn't just happen in 13 Reasons Why.
It happens in real life, even in our country. Bullying comes in many forms. There is outright physical assault in the hallways or the stairwell. Then there is the constant slut shaming, body shaming or shaming based on sexuality.
In fact, according to a study by Gay Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN), titled "Out Online", LGBT youth are thrice as likely to be bullied as non-LGBT youth. 42 per cent of LGBT youth have experienced cyber bullying. 27 per cent LGBT youth have been bullied via text messaging.
This is based on information gathered from more than 5,000 students from sixth to twelfth standard in American schools. This is exactly what my friend faced right here in India. He was just beginning to discover that he was gay and the homophobic taunts of his classmates tormented him. They were insensitive, aggressive and vicious.
They enjoyed humiliating my friend. Such teens should be held accountable for their behaviour. In fact, my friend believes that many suicides attributed to poor academic performance are actually distressed LGBT teens.
13 Reasons Why maybe an American show, but its message is equally relevant to Indians as a record number of our teenagers and young adults are committing suicide. As per as Suicide Mortality in India study published in The Lancet, 40 percent of suicide deaths among men and 56 percent of suicides among women occurred in the 15-29 years age group. So why is it that so many young Indians are taking their own lives?
One of the reasons is that nobody is listening. Often when a teenager shares a problem they are facing, the adults around them brush it off as teenage angst or the result of hormonal fluctuation."Toh kya hua" or "Yeh sab toh hota rehta hai" are not appropriate responses.
While, it is true that teenagers experience mood swings due to hormonal fluctuations, it does not mean that their concerns, fears and problems are not genuine. What you may find frivolous, may hold value and meaning for your teen. Don't ridicule them. Don't assume their pain is just a figment of their imagination or is just a phase that will go away.
Now suppose a teenager refuses to be rebuffed by this initial ridicule and tries approaching either the adult again by expressing their anguish in a more exaggerated manner. Or suppose they stand up to their bullies by acting out, the typical response it to call the teenager an attention seeking drama queen!
In fact, Courtney Crimson uses those exact words to explain Hannah Baker's suicide. The teenager's frustration festers and they end up venting in one of two equally dangerous ways. They either perpetuate the cycle of abuse by tormenting another teenager or engage in self-harm.
While it does not justify either bullying or suicide, it certainly explains why so many young people are either mean or suicidal.
Another reason why so many young people commit suicide is that they are unable to communicate about being sexually abused. As per a survey by the ministry of women and child development, 53 percent of Indian children are survivors of child sexual abuse.
In 50 percent of the cases, the abuser was known to the child. In our bid to keep our children innocent, we fail to empower them with the proper vocabulary required to describe sexual abuse. Plus, sex education is a taboo in our culture. This further empowers sexual predators. In the rare case that the child or teenager is able to tell the family, the matter is often brushed under the carpet to preserve the family's honour.
How can you expect your child to have the will to live, if you continue to pretend their rape never happened?
Whenever a teenager or anyone commits suicide, our first response is to assign the blame. We routinely call the victim "selfish" and "cowardly" and comfort the family by acknowledging their loss. As a society we are conditioned to shame the victim and highlight the sorrow of those left behind.
As if the victim's pain is somehow inferior to the family's pain! Many adults who were directly responsible for the dead teen's wellbeing, meanwhile conveniently focus on absolving themselves saying parenting is hard. Well, so is being a teenager.
Why do we forget how hard our own teenage was, when we grow up and become parents? Our society deifies parents and sometimes this power goes to our heads. We start believing that we as parents can do no wrong and that our child was somehow at fault. Perhaps, we as parents need to focus more on listening to our children, rather than building our image as perfect parents.
Shouldn't it be more important to us that our child stays alive than if we would be blamed if they committed suicide? What we fail to understand is that nobody really wants to die. We all have a self-preservation mechanism that kicks in even if we want to hurt ourselves.
The fact that a living breathing person felt compelled to take an extreme measure like ending their life stems from our failure as a society to be there for them when they need us the most. Condemning a show like 13 Reasons Why or preventing teenagers from watching it, will not solve India's teen suicide problem. Compassion, support and vigilance will.