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Song for Ted Cruz, porn watcher and savior

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Noam A Osband
Noam A OsbandSep 16, 2017 | 14:44

Song for Ted Cruz, porn watcher and savior

This past year, on September 11, many Americans were taking a pause on this momentous date, remembering the tragedy of 16 years ago. By contrast, however, Ted Cruz was liking a porn video on Twitter.

I sat to write a song about it, and it seems a bit easy to mock a religious politician for watching porn. Instead, let's see Cruz' Twitter-like as what it really is: a chance to bridge America's ideological divide and focus on what unites us. I offer you, "Ted Cruz, porn watcher, and savior."

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Here are the lyrics to the song.

    • Ted Cruz, I’m not surprised you like porn
    • Most folks do in the comfort of home
    • But what’s less common, made my heart titter
    • Was seeing you like your porn on Twitter
    • Although I’v watched smut for decades now
    • Searching for clips that make me “wow
    • But I ain't seen, no way, no how,
    • No, I ain’t ever seen debauchery
    • I needed to praise publicly

 

    • I know it was likely a staffer’s mistake
    • But that’s not how I want to picture it

 

    • I wanna picture instead a horny Cruz
    • Blowing off steam like all us do
    • It honestly gives to me a sense of shared humanity 
    • To picture Cruz typing @sexuallposts
    • Cause he liked their porn the most
    • Maybe if we see commonalities we got
    • It’d break congressional gridlock

 

    • I don't wanna picture Cruz brow furrowing
    • With sweat building upon his chin
    • But in this age of political division
    • Maybe we can unify around sin
    • Me and Cruz and all of you
    • Can all share in having viewed
    • Some porn on screens or on the tube
    • So ain't we sisters and brothers!

 

    • Big hugs from a Yankee to a Texan
    • We’re all watching porn from the Rio Grande
    •  Up to New York City and Boston
    • Chicago and LA
    • Yeah, a crazy high percentage
    • of the internet’s porn and I wonder ‘at home
    • What kind my coworkers check on on Chrome
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    • Well, never mind that
    • Let me savor this fantasy
    • That Ted Cruz has something in common with me
    • Liking porn on Twitter
    • Is politically brave
    • Liking porn on Twitter
    • Our country may save 
    • Ted Cruz, porn watcher, and savior

Also read: How getting trolled actually helps Priyanka Chopra

Last updated: September 16, 2017 | 14:45
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