How NCERT Class 10 book will teach evolution and periodic table now on

This is a satirical piece written with regards to NCERT’s recent decision to permanently remove the chapters on periodic classification of elements and human evolution from the Class 10 Science textbook. Even though these concepts were removed initially to lessen the burden on students during the pandemic, this move has become permanent now, much to the dismay of teachers, students and scientists in India.

While the periodic table has been moved to Class XI, human evolution finds a place only in Class XII.

Now, if a tenth-grader in India wishes to learn how to classify the elements or to understand the origins of life on Earth, this is perhaps what the NCERT will go with.

Chapter 1: Manufacturing of Life 

Charles Darwin was one of the earliest proponents of evolution, suggesting that humans evolved from apes. This is just a conspiracy theory because Darwin wanted a valid reason to explain why he looked like a chimpanzee. 

The truth is that our planet had aliens living on it who created the required machinery to create humans. Even though these aliens have now migrated to planets like Mars, they have left their human-creating machines. The machines of superior quality were left in continents like Europe and North America making them the so-called “First World” while continents like Asia and Africa became “Third World” with their slightly faulty machinery. 

In fact, America also pioneered the assembly line of human production through which babies can be created on a conveyor belt, their features being added at a faster pace. Meanwhile, in the Third World, some babies are still created with rudimentary means of hand-made production. This manufacturing of life has led to continuous survival of the human race. 

Darwin’s conspiracy theories led scientists to further explore how biological features pass on from generation to generation through the principles of heredity. Heredity has again been proven to be a myth as we don’t inherit features from our parents but it’s our parents who program these features into us during the manufacturing process.  

Chapter 2: Drug-based classification of Elements

Russian scientist Dimitri Mendelev came up with the periodic table in 1869, a revolutionary concept in chemistry to organise all elements based on their properties. This is an unnecessarily complicated classification system; one that was replaced by American chemistry teacher Walter White in the year 2008. 

The idea came to White when he started manufacturing methamphetamine (crystal meth) in his spare time, an activity that gave him the idea to classify elements based on their drug potency. 

So, today, the Walter White system of element classification suggests that any and all chemical elements can be either classified as “drugs” or “not drugs”. 

Oxygen? Not drug.

Chlorine? Definitely a drug.

This is because chlorine when combined with hydrogen makes the salt cocaine hydrochloride AKA cocaine.

In this process, 90% of the world’s elements are drugs while the rest are non-drugs. 

FUN ACTIVITY FOR KIDS: Go back home and analyse all the elements kitchen items. Then divide these elements as drugs and non-drugs.