2021 A Specious Odyssey: Can’t wait for Hindu Rashtra!

Come, ye all.

My love for the BJP is all too known, but I must reiterate that the idea of a Hindu Rashtra excites me a lot. Since Indians are notorious for delaying projects, I also like the idea of a deadline. Dharm Jagaran Abhiyan chief Rajeshwar Singh has chosen a date significant in Christianity to mark the end of the Remix Rashtra we inhabit today: December 31, 2021. Seven years down the line, we will all be Hindus. That day will make us truly united. There is too much diversity to digest in the country, and I, too, want a beautiful country where we all are the same. Beautiful.

We are already a Hindu Rashtra, because everyone on this side of the Sindhu is Hindu. But we are Hindu Hindus, Hindu Christians, Hindu Muslims and Hindu Sikhs. On January 1, 2022, we will all be Hindu Hindus, after everybody comes back to the fold. Ghar Wapsi, Homecoming, whatever you wish to name it. It is a great beginning towards unity in unity instead of unity in diversity, as some loony liberals would like us to believe in because they lack imagination.

How do you see development for all, if we all are not together? Sab ka saath comes before sab ka vikaas. These liberals cry about inclusion/inclusiveness, and when Rajeshwar Singh tries to include Bangladeshi Muslims into Hinduism, they don’t want inclusion. Total lack of imagination.

Imagine a country where we all are fair and lovely. All men are tall and handsome and Hindu. All women are also fair and lovely, but we don’t get to see all women because they come out covered like genuine Bharatiya Naris. We all drink cow’s milk and feed cows two rotis on Mondays. Women fast and men fast like they are Anna Hazare. During Navratras, we officially shut restaurants during the day, and anybody serving food shall be heavily fined. Anybody eating in public shall not be allowed to eat for the next three days.

Imagine a country where road signs are in Sanskrit. You switch on the radio, and there are bhajans punctuating news bulletins that begin with Iyam Aakashwanih, Samprati Vaartah Shrooyantam. Pravachakah Prakash Javdekarah. Instead of this drinking culture in pubs and bars, where men and women sit over a pint and talk in hushed tones because the music is too loud, men will sit against soft pillows and play chausar and gamble away their women before Diwali.

We will have fewer festivals to celebrate, and non-vegetarian food will be off the menu. Since Hinduism is inclusive by nature, you can cook mutton after the sacrifice (bali) at the temple. But that’s your private affair. Do remember to share it with your non-vegetarian citizens though.

The National Flag is very confusing, and people keep messing it up by waving it wrong. The saffron on top and the green at the bottom. Imagine our flag with just one colour. That will clear all confusion. One country, one religion, one colour and one complexion: Wheatish fair. Boys and girls will not be mixing in all-boys gurukuls. It’s not that girls will not get education. They will be educated in the 64 arts as mentioned in the books. Skill development is the key to progress. Sewing, stitching, cooking, cleaning… we have ample spaces where they can exercise their freedom to livelihood. Women, however, may not exercise their freedom of speech because it leads to a lot of controversies.

Pakistanis oppress women, deny them rights. Our culture treats women as goddesses. Yatra Naryastu Poojyante. Women are an object of worship. Wherever women are objects of worship, gods bless the land. Where do the worshipped live? In temples. Would we like goddesses working in sweatshops called offices? Goddesses are to stay at home. There will be no rape, acid attacks and eve-teasing. Why do they need to come out anyway, since men are naturally built to work? Nature has made women for nurturing families, giving birth and cooking delicious food at home.

The world will finally have a Hindu nation, since the Nepalis ditched us and became secular. This has left a vacuum in general knowledge books worldwide. The only Hindu Rashtra on this planet, where scientists break coconuts before sending off the Mangalyaan on its inter-planetary journey. We just need some more astrological interventions, and we will be a great nation on earth, at least better than Pakistan. We have a bomb, they have a bomb. We win the World Cup, they win the World Cup. This rivalry will go on until we put a stop to it. They have a theocratic state, which has left them in a mess. We will have a theocratic state, which will leave us in a bigger mess. They forced their minorities to convert. We will not do forceful conversions. We will revert them all; not convert them. There’s a difference. We will always feel superior. Pakistanis are dragging their country back to medieval ages. We will drag ours back to the Dwaapar Yuga, estimated about 5,000 years before Jesus was even born. Honourable urban development minister has already begun the process of renaming our capital to Hastinapur or Indraprastha.

There will be less drinking and more smoking. Ah! The stuff Rajeshwar Singh has will be available to all. Seven years down the line. Unlike the stoning in Islam, I see myself stoned on the quality stuff from the Himalayas. Thanking my bro, Rajeshwar, who has friends in high places. We, too, can have friends high in places. I am told the good weed affects short term memory. What affects short term memory?

Wheeze!