Eight life-altering lessons from MBA: Meat Ban Academy
Welcome to the Number One Institution in the country. These rankings have been given by the same guy who once thought IIPM was a legit university, but let's not get technical. The curriculum has worked wonders in the past. Here's what our prospectus looks like.
Lesson 1: Law for dummies
The Maharashtra government's lawyers have it bad. Or real good, depending on how you look at it. They're going to have to sharpen their skills if they want to defend the various CrPC amendments protecting bureaucrats and MLAs from prosecution and the bizarre new sedition rule. But the best part is, senior advocate Meat Ban has given us all a free lesson in "How not to law or logic". Okay we lied, it wasn't free. It came at the cost of your basic rights, but let's not be stingy now. "Top lawyer" Anil Singh, who had the daunting task of defending the king of all hashtags, The meat ban, was questioned by the Bombay High Court about using ahimsa as a reason to stop the sale of meat. "When you are talking of ahimsa, how come fish, seafood and eggs are not banned?" the court asked. Elementary, "Fish die the moment they are out of water. So there is no slaughter involved," said Singh. [Statutory warning: Kids, don't try this in court]
Lesson 2: We love the Shiv Sena
Detective Meat Ban Holmes has revealed a never-before seen side of the Shiv Sena. "We will ensure there is no ban on sale of meat for the eight days," said Uddhav Thackeray, thereby turning social media on its head in utter confusion. The Sena supremo had libs throwing their fists in the air in support and there was a dangerous imbalance on the internet. This was a Sena we could get on board with. Heck, if eight days of going vegetarian is what it takes to make the Shiv Sena more tolerant and thereby more tolerable, show me the way to the next Salad Bar.
Lesson 3: Nope, we still hate the Shiv Sena
As barrister Meat Ban taught us already, logic is hard. So, it's all right that this could not be worked out faster. The irony is, the meat ban came from a civic body (the BMC) controlled partly by the Shiv Sena. So just as they would to any girl near a "Like" button in 2012, the Shiv Sena will ensure any opinion you have about them will be short lived. Also, in their mouthpiece Saamna, an editorial read "Jains must not follow the path of Muslims and become fanatics. At least Muslims have Pakistan to go to. Where will the Jains go?" It went on to warn Jains not to take on the "sons of the soil" with such demands.
Ah, the lovely aroma of medium-rare tenderloin status quo.
Lesson 4: Everything is more important than Assam
Self-styled godman Meat Ban has performed his magic mantra and made the following news disappear: There is ethnic tension brewing in Assam. Almost every district of Assam, in the last three days saw protests and street processions, led by the All Assam Students Association (AASU), triggered by a notification sent to the state administration by the Centre, announcing its decision to allow all Bangladeshi Hindus living in Assam who sought shelter before December 31, 2014, "due to religious persecution or fear of religious persecution" in their country to stay. Never shall we speak of it again. Cross your eyes (Outrage-asana) and repeat after me, Let there be meat!
Lesson 5: The alphabet - M for Meat, M for MNS, M for My brain hurts
You'd think a zero-seat-smack in the polls would have you switch up your political strategy. Nope. As political theorist Dr Meat Ban, PhD revealed, the Raj Thackeray outfit continues to keep it classy even in the face of brutal failure. The Thane unit of the party protested against the meat ban, by flaunting torans made out of meat right outside a community hall of the Jain community in Vishnu Nagar where the festival was going on. They even tried to cook mean right outside the gate. And here's another free lesson in "How never to logic" from the MNS supremo himself: "Digamma Jains roam naked showing their body, if that is okay then why is this meat ban issued in the state?" said Raj Thackeray.
Lesson 6: Dealing with Jains 101
Finishing schoolteacher Meat Ban has taught us another important lesson and skill. All Jains are bad and must be questioned about the meat ban. The next Jain you see on Twitter or Facebook, furiously demand that he or she stand up against the meat ban. Abuse him or her and his or her entire family and ancestors until you get an apology from them on behalf of everyone from Mussolini to Donald Trump's hairdresser.
Lesson 7: Alphabet, module 2 - M for Meat Ban, M for Misogyny
Feminism lecturer Meat Ban has taught us the most important lesson of all. Meat or no meat, there is always a free pass to insult women. Fat shame actresses for having an opinion on fundamental rights, call them bimbos for expressing their opinion on the general attitude of the powers that be with regards to meat and women. How dare anyone introduce two problems at one time? Insult their brains for being able to process more than one thought at a time and let irony get tossed around tastelessly with those leaves you're forced to shove down your throat.
Lesson 8: The origins of the meat ban
Learned historian, Mr Meat Ban, with his band of what-abouters has taken us on a journey back in time. In 2015, please blame the 1964 government which originally imposed the ban. In 2004, the sickular Congress-NCP government passed another resolution endorsing the two-day ban. Since then, the ban has been extended to four days across Mumbai every September. No government today can be blamed for continuing to endorse an age old ban, because it has absolutely no power to do away with it. Also because it is the best. Just like this academy.
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