War and nuclear bombs: Moni Mohsin's diary of a social butterfly

The long version of this week's Diary of a Social Butterfly. Enjoy karien: 

Chalo ji, we are on the blink of war again. With who? Oho baba with the Indians. Who else?

The Indians are all aag bagoola at us shouting themselves horse that we've murdered seventeen of their soldiers in Kashmir. They are saying that our beardos sneaked across the boarder while their soldiers slept and set fire to their tents and fired guns shuns and threw grenades and did a lot of khoon kharaba.

And we are saying that "haw hai, our tau farishtas don't even know what you're talking about, baba. In any case, if we've done - which we haven't done - where's the proof haan?"

Indians are saying we know you did. You always do. And we are saying we didn't. We never do. So it's going:

"Did."

"Didn't."

"Did."

"Didn't."

Janoo says the steaks are high. Because we both of us have nuclear weapons. I said but doesn't that mean it's stalemeat? Because, thanks God, we can give them a tit for tit then.

He looked at me a bit strangely but before he could say anything a terrifying thought recurred to me: "Janoo," I asked, "does this mean I can't go shopping to India this winters?"

"I don't think they're falling over themselves to grant us visas if that's what you're asking."

"Hai but I wanted to go and buy some Rohit Bal outfits for Minxy's son's wedding. How long will this kutti go on, baba? Can't we do sullah just for two weeks so I can make a frying visit, do all my kaams and rush back? It's no joke, haan? The necklace I bought in Delhi last year from Bhola Nath jewellers on Cannot Circus uss ka clasp has broken. How will I get that fixed in time for the shaadi season if I can't go there and get it done by sitting on his head? And my friend, Bubbles Malhotra, she's having such a tabahi party for her husband's fiftieth. How I can miss that? Suna hai, Shah Rukh Khan might also be coming… Oh no, it's not fair."

"You can forget about all of that for the foreseeable future," said Janoo in that special sarrhial way of his. I think so Janoo doesn't know meaning of word sympathy.

So then I called Sunny and did a bit of rona dhona with her. And she said:

"You are crying? You know Akbar's cousin's son from his father's side, he was getting married to an Indian girl - Hindu only - he met at university in America. Her family's settled in Bombay. Big chakkar boy and girl had for six years but both families put their feet down and said over our dead bodies.

But finally they lifted their feet and said okay baba kar lo phir. Wedding was to be in three months, one reception here and one reception there and now God knows what will happen. And you know Akbar's cousin's wife has even had the joras made and paid the event manager and bought the air tickets and booked the hotels in Bombay and pata nahin kya kya. She poor thing tau is at her bits end."

After that I felt a lot better. Chalo, if war happens then at least I haven't lost any money on tickets shickets and hotels vaghera. As Mother Rosario at the Convent used to say, always look on the bright side.

(A version of this post first appeared on the author's Facebook page.)

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