Padma Shri for Mr Chaurasia, with Bhushan for Saina and Vijender

Saina Nehwal never made "Chandu" Chaurasia prouder with her racquet than its homonym over an award promotion. A victim of government apathy, Chaurasia has been denied the promised Padma Shri, the stepping stone to Padma Bhushan, year after year, by government after government. He felt cheated. Our go-getter badminton ace showed him the way. Ask, and you shall be given.

Chaurasia is going to ask for it, unlike LK Advani, who gets it without asking because some people in his party believe that he is not getting it at all; the signal, I mean. There are no lifetime achievement awards in the Padma category that could force one to retire. The extreme trick of calling him to inform him about Mahendra Singh Dhoni’s retirement from Tests failed the test.

Without asking, the government isn’t god, who would know what you wanted. Every beggar has to beg on His behalf. Without asking, you don’t get alms. So now, Chandu Chaurasia, the neighbourhood paanwalla, and Vijender Singh, the medal-winning boxer, are in the ring. Vijender said that he too deserved one; not that another Padma is his birthright. But since nobody asked, he felt that he needed to offer himself for the same. Soon after the news of wrestler Sushil Kumar getting a Padma Bhushan spread, Baba Ramdev entered the arena and wrestled Olympian wrestlers, making it clear that he would wrestle to any length if contorting your body doesn’t qualify for the Padmas unless you are an Iyengar Brahmin.

Every year, around this time, Chandu Chaurasia’s paan-shaped heart skipped a beat or two when news about the Padma awards flashed on TV. He is disappointed, every year, that his name isn’t included in even the Padma Shri awardees’ list. He was told by a politician of some disrepute that his name was "personally forwarded for consideration" for contribution to the "heritage of paan-making". The politician obliged Chaurasia by not paying any money for all the paan he consumed. That politician is quite a wheeler-dealer, basically like the people who run the country. They also have a say in inserting names of people who can bask in the reflected glory of people who deserve. Since we work on the percentage system, say about ten per cent get it via this discretion quota. It’s not a title; it’s just an award. But recipients use it as a title and, you will agree, Padma Shri Chandu Chaurasia has a nice ring to it.

And if homeopaths, dentists of politicians, shady hoteliers can get Padmas for their contribution to the field of medicine, what stops the humble paanwalla? Our government runs homeopathy colleges and Mukesh Batra has a chain of homeopathy clinics. Batra was given one. Nirmal Baba and other jhaad-phoonk babas wait for their turn, because the government has not officially certified samosas with green chutney as possible cure for cancer. But the day is never too far.

Saif Ali Khan was awarded one for beating Shahid Kapoor in fetching the very fetching Kareena Kapoor. Sant Singh Chatwal is a US citizen, and received one for his white shoes that sent Shivraj Patil into a depression. The list has eminently honourable people who actually add honour to the award, which is bestowed on people with little honour to keep the honour index up.

Since it’s generally awarded on a cold January evening, they get a free shawl with it. I have had the opportunity to touch one of those shawls, and I must admit that they are of fine quality. Padma means lotus, which is also the election symbol of a particular party. With the shawl, you get a certificate and a pendant that has a lotus blooming in a yantra. They called it medallion just to sound heroic.

Yantra, tantra and mantra are essential to the Indian political life. Yantra (jantar) is part of shadyantra (conspiracy), tantra is the tantric bit of our prajatantra (democracy), and mantra is to keep the cauldrons of caste and communalism hot enough to serve your political interests.

You have to use one of the three, or a combination of these to get a Padma. Yantra-mantra or Jantar-mantar is the tantra in our Lok tantra.

In return of a plain paan, I offered an advice to Chaurasia: Sit on a dharna at Jantar Mantar, and demand from the Lok Tantar, a Padma. He called his wife to seek permission, who exploded at the idea, and screamed: “You are married to one. Why do you want another one at this age?” He smiled disappointedly at me and said: “My wife, Padma, on the other side, sir. Not allowing".