Clean Chit Corner

[Leaked]: Page from a Talibani strategist's diary

Do not detract us from the path of truth, and continue doing the good deed of cleansing humanity of these sinful and corrupt people.

 |  Clean Chit Corner  |  4-minute read |   23-01-2015
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Alham-do-lillah, praise be to Allah, for this great success our soldiers achieved in Peshawar. With one siege we have brought the world to a standstill. Our objective is momentarily achieved. What the numerous ISIS beheadings could not achieve, we achieved in one stroke. The world has forgotten all those fancy videos in orange jumpsuits and black flags with the Lawrence of Arabia landscape as backdrop; and the word "Taliban" strikes terror again in every heart across the globe. For generations to come, this incident will make people shudder across the globe.

We were slipping, calumnious talk of us being soft was gaining ground across media and political circles. We were no more the pariahs. Political leaders were willing to negotiate with us. Qaid, in fact, defended us and said our vilification is not justified, the truth is complex. We even found willing ears in our neighbourhood: our archenemy, the land of infidels. We were invited for conferences, talks, debates. One naive organiser even put a CIA guy and us on the same panel without realising that much like our truth, our relationship with CIA is also complex. Only a consumerist glutton fed on the sanitised state propaganda of a bipolar world, of universe existing in binaries, of truth being white and evil black, of a glistening first world and a ghetto third world will believe that CIA and the us are opposite ends of a spectrum. There were jokes floating that we were the boys, and ISIS are the real men, but this incident puts all this frivolous talk to rest.

Our agenda is clear. We have to establish the rule of Shariah all over the world. People will have to swear allegiance to us or else they perish, and we shall only pause till the last existing soul has sworn allegiance to us. Allah is there but Allah cannot accomplish his own mission. He needs to have committed and dedicated soldiers like us. Yes, we know Shariah has been sullied and several interpretations exist but any version that is willing to coexist with blasphemers, renegades, infidels, or anyone who doesn't subscribe to Shariah is a corrupt version and needs to be decimated as much as those it is willing to coexist with.

We are often criticised for killing women and children, unarmed "innocent" citizens. These criticisms are unfounded, just an emotional ploy to make us feel guilty and detract us from the path of truth. But what goes amiss on these liberal, secular, so-in-love-with-Western-modernity, sexually depraved apologists of "free world" is the most basic concept of purity. Purity is the fulcrum on which divinity stands, purity is the pivot which brings order in the world, purity is what will absolve us; will be our guarantor for salvation. We must strive to attain purity. And whatever is not pure is sullied, is corrupt, is sinful, is diseased and needs to be culled out for us to maintain purity.

Thus all those who do not follow our Shariah are impure, are like gangrene and we must amputate human world to save the pure part of it. These women, children, and so-called "innocent" people have been corrupted and their "qatl" is wajib, halal. We are doing a great service to divinity by removing these morally corrupt tumours from our Shariah following humanity's pure body.

And our reward also lies in cleansing humanity. Our act of cleansing ensures rewards in both the worlds. Here, in this world, infidels' wealth becomes accessible to us without accountability, their women become legitimate for our pleasure, and their children and men free for exploitation. And there in the other world, there is a chateau in heaven with 72 virgins salivating in desire for each one of us.

So, do not detract us from the path of truth, and continue doing the good deed of cleansing humanity of these sinful and corrupt people. The good news is that this other impure world that we're struggling against is already divisive and quibbling in fractions. Thus the good Taliban versus the bad Taliban debate will continue. The evil America metaphor will keep infiltrating the liberal discourse. And there always will be the counter argument of state terror and state-sponsored terrorism. We will continue finding our sympathisers and funders, and we will continue our strife for purity.

This gluttonous, entertainment hungry, hedonist world will soon forget Peshawar, and their insensitivity will become our justification to strike again, to remind the world of its sinful ways. A Talibani soldier(Somewhere in a pure land).


Danish Husain Danish Husain @danhusain

Danish Husain is a poet, an actor, theatre director, and a columnist.

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