Really! Alok Nath is so sanskaari he abused a woman on Twitter

It's a truth universally acknowledged that when Alok Nath, aka Babuji of Bollywood, displays his annoyance at a woman, he either threatens to do her kanyadaan or admonishes her to do aarti all night. Hence, when Babuji ended up calling feminist activist and CPI(ML) member, Kavita Krishnan, a "bi*ch" on Twitter, it goes without saying that he had ample family-oriented, sanskaar-approved reasons for doing that.

Below is a list of five such impeccable pushes that shoved Alok Nath to utter what is unmentionable in the Parivar Dictionary of Sanskaar:

It's about dog love

Every time Alok Nathji thinks about parivar, the harmony of harmonium and a Banarasi-sari clad battery of samdhans, he can't help but include Tuffy the dog in the picture. So staggering is Babuji's love of the pesky canines that he has entrusted them with the sensitive task of family espionage, a job hitherto restricted to high-maintenance, shrill and often westernised nanads. Till date, the confusion between conniving "b***hes" and loyal dogs hasn't been cleared. So, what Babuji actually meant was, "Jal do behn'ko", even though what came out was "jail the bitch". It was a phonetic glitch in the sanskaari matrix.

Just beti bhakti, bi*ches

All Babuji really wants is to bachao beti, and padhao beti. He wants the betis to paye lagu as a mark of respect for her elders. He wants deference for patriarchs because that's what betiyaan do after a hearty session of bhajans in the puja room or the nearest temple. It's really easy to please Babuji - just brush up your mandir and marriage party manners, and you're set for a lifelong supply of aashirwaads. But in case you show disrespect by dangling history lessons before his formidable face, he's bound to be displeased. So, Krishnan, with her tendency to undermine the hallowed Babuji-filtered family values, was just asking for it.

Selfie is selfless

After Modiji, it's Babuji who understands the enormity of a well-timed, well-placed selfie. How else to keep up the 24x7 live telecast of good values and morals if not through a stream of selfies from the hot seat? Babuji practises what he preaches and there is no other evangelical equivalent of his dedication to achche sanskaar. Didn't Kavita Krishnan realise that keeping the arsenal of sanskaari selfies well-stocked (as also well-stalked) and flowing is as selfless as Gandhiji's Salt March? Whatever happened to nuance?!

#SelfieWithDaughter is honourable

If you ask Babuji, #SelfieWithdaughter is the prologue to kanyadaan, the topmost achievement of his life. In one stroke has been eliminated the impersonal, mechanical, almost invasive intrusion of matrimonial ads in the father-daughter equation (especially after gay people started putting out classifieds for their kind). Moreover, #SelfieWithDaughter necessitates that the daughter is alive and kicking and not bumped off at the foetal stage in some grisly clinic or air-conditioned super-specialty hospital of India. Correspondingly, it instils a culture of self-grooming, and thereby yoga, because hello, if you want the prime minister to retweet your #SelfieWithDaughter, it better be tiptop and multicoloured in accordance with Indian culture! Does the fact-hurling Krishnan want our girls to die in the womb or grow up fat, dark, fugly and smelling of coconut oil?

Stalk market boom

What Krishnan and her ilk fail to comprehend is that stalking, especially digital stalking by keeping a cyber bucket meant to collect the rain of selfies, is most patriotic and family-oriented act that any father can do for his daughter. Like father, like father figure. What Babuji and Modiji expect us to do is to keep a check on our daughters with her consent. That's the operative word here: consent. And what is more consensual than clicking a selfie? You'd click one with a stray dog or a street cat!

#SelfieWithDaughter is at last restoring the lost honour and prestige to the traditional pastime of family elders. It's returning stalking to its sanskaari glory! Ab kisiko mirchi lagi to hamare pyare Babuji kya karen?