My two years of being India's greatest PM, by Narendra Modi
I have been the most hardworking prime minister EVER! OMG! I am not saying this myself.
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Here we are, two years in power of the greatest government in the history of Bharat Mata (ki jai). I am proud and happy to list our many achievements since we won the 2014 General Elections with the greatest majority of anyone in the history of the universe.
As one of my valued colleagues has pointed out, I have been the most hardworking prime minister EVER! OMG! I am not saying this myself, as I am extremely humble as is well-known.
But it has been documented that I have made 363 speeches in two years. Contrary to what several of my unpatriotic colleagues believe, I have made more speeches in India than I have abroad: 219 in India compared to only 144 abroad.
This means that people who say I spend too much time in other countries are lying. However, this means that I have given one speech every 1.9 days or every 45.6 hours.
(Note to self: must check if this is a Guinness World Record in the category Most Speeches by the Greatest Prime Minister in the Universe.)
Some people's ambition in life is to make it to books called "100 Greatest Speeches", which usually contain speeches by many people including Italians and Congress Party members.Testing, testing 1, 2, 3. (PTI)
But my followers are going to put together books called "Best Speeches of All-Time by Only One Man: Narendra Damodardas Modi".
Obviously, there are many more speeches to come in the next three years.
There have been complaints that I and my government have not done enough about the drought in the nation. These are lies. Just the other day on my Mann Ki Baat radio (invented in Vedic India) programme I advised people to be careful with water and to love nature.
Earlier also I have informed the world that the Earth is like our Mother and we must look after it. I have also explained climate change in simple terms to the planet - as people grow older, they feel colder. My Twitter handle is also extremely popular.
India has made huge advances in science under my government. We will soon be introducing yogic cures for cancer, diabetes and other diseases. The best news is the launch of the Vedic spacecraft which flies backwards, forwards and sideways.
I will be changing all the scientists in all our institutions until I can find someone intelligent enough to achieve this. Doctors under our special AYUSH ministry are working hard on head transplant surgery based on Lord Ganesha's example.
My government will soon be banning all mentions of the Pathankot attack and Pakistani birthday cake to avoid any pain to our patriotic feelings. This is a new initiative announced by the Union health ministry.
My government has introduced more schemes than any other government in history - close to seven million, three thousand and ninety-eight. Soon we will reach the eight million mark. This is a record to show how hardworking everyone in my government is, especially me.
My government's road, scheme and museum renaming ministry is working overtime to ensure that all names are now Most Nationalistic and Bharat Mata Ki Jai related. This will make a big difference to India's development as we all know.
The reason that India has been backward in some areas (except Gujarat) is clearly because all the names were wrong. Soon, this will be fixed. As you may now, our government in Rajasthan has already removed That Man's name from history textbooks.
Friends, to further prove that my government is working harder than any before, this year I intend better last year's record and do one whole hour of yoga on World Yoga Day.
Bharat Mata ki jai!
(This speech by Prime Minister Narendra Modi has been written by Ranjona Banerji and is not likely to make it to any book.)