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My son is gay, but that's not all he is. And I'm proud of him

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Meenu Namit
Meenu NamitJan 23, 2017 | 09:23

My son is gay, but that's not all he is. And I'm proud of him

My son was 12 when he told me he was gay. I would have passed it off as pre-teen confusion if I were dealing with a regular kid. But this one came to me armed with facts that he had gathered from the internet.

Being gay is not a matter of choice, but a gene you are born with, he said. 19 years ago.

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When I tried telling him he'd outgrow it, he looked at me disappointed.

I told him that, as a journalist, I came in touch with a lot of men who were gay, but were married to women and had children; he looked at me with a wisdom well beyond his years and said, but don't you always tell me to live my life the way I think is right and true?

I hugged him and said it was fine.

I absorb most life-truths with an open mind and a sense of belief that someone up there knows what he's doing. But this one had me floundering.

It just would not fit in with my view of my perfect little world.

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Saattvic and I Photo: Meenu Namit

Even for someone who did not follow the diktats of society and had quietly rebelled to marry a man who did not have a surname, my small-town, convent-educated upbringing was strong enough to colour my views about homosexuality.

Especially, when it came to my son. I tried to wrap my mind around the thought, but somehow it just fell through. Every single time. My world fell apart.

Until I discussed the issue with my husband. He heard me out and said, "Are you sure?"

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Saattvic is very sure, I said. "That's very cool, that he's so sure right now," he said.

"So are you okay with it?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" he said.

"How does it change who he is in any way? It's just his sexual orientation we are talking about here. He's still the same honest, intelligent, loving, idealistic guy. And frankly his sexual orientation is really no one's concern but his. Not even ours."

That was it. I started reading up on homosexuality.

The next time when Saattvic came to me saying, so are you going to marry me off as soon as I grow older, I laughed, hugged him, told him never to be afraid and assured him that it was okay. And meant it.

But for the next couple of years, I kept secretly hoping that he would one day turn around and tell me that maybe, just maybe, he was bisexual.

I asked him on and off and he conceded that he would keep an open mind.

Until one day, as we sat discussing the topic, he said that he was absolutely sure that he wasn't bisexual and I asked him how he could be so sure.

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He turned to me with tortured eyes and said, "Because I have hoped and prayed that I could be straight and have a normal life. Don't you think I want to get married and have children and lead a 'normal life'. It would be so much easier. But I can't. It's not a matter of choice. I would choose to be straight if it was in my control. But it isn't."

And he cried. That's the day I realised what he had been going through.

In that one minute, my conditioning went for a toss. For my husband and younger son, Saattvic's sexual orientation had never been an issue.

But it had taken my son's cry of anguish to make me realise the truth.

What he needed from me was support and an unconditional understanding of what he was facing.

I would never question him again on his sexual orientation. For that was all it was. A non-issue.

All the battles he fought thereon were with the world outside. With his family standing firmly behind him. He is fortunate that he is not effeminate, so the battles did not have to do with his sexual orientation.

They all had to do with his sense of honesty and following up his beliefs in the real world, even if it meant fighting an entrenched system.

Being straight or gay is never a choice my son had, but standing up for what he believes in, irrespective of what the world says, is a choice that he fiercely exercises every day.

He did it when he chose to leave a flourishing career as an economic consultant in London to pursue his dream of theatre and films in Bombay.

In some strange way, he thought it would help him be in a position to bring change in his country. He did it again when he gave up on an acting assignment to write a paper on the education policy as a part of the proposed economic policy of a major political party in the run-up to the general elections.

So when he stood up and announced his sexual orientation to the world, even though he knew it would place an insurmountable block in the way of his career in films, I wasn't surprised.

I wouldn't have advised him to do so at this stage of his career, but then he didn't really ask for my advice.

It has been difficult for him to lead a life less than transparent. Never one to spin a web of lies or accept a fait accompli, he has spoken out now because he believes he needs to.

How can I, who named him Saattvic, and then guided him to be so, now object?

And if his choice helps him to make a small dent in the way the society around me thinks, I'd say you did the right thing Saattvic.

For all the parents who see their children struggling with their sexuality, or even suspect that their children may have a different sexual orientation, I suggest you read up on the issue.

Even a simple Wikipedia link on "homosexuality" will give you reams of information, including the very basic and important fact that homosexuality is not a choice. It is merely a gene and your child has no choice in the matter. It is found in most species, including humans.

Once you have all the information, it will be easier for you to accept your child's orientation as natural, rather than an aberration from the natural course of things.

The next step is of course to quell your fears regarding your child's situation.

It's natural for a parent to fear for her child's safety and happiness, especially in a homophobic world.

Yes, the world can be a cruel place for anyone who does not fit into the norms the society sets.

There is the fear of being a social outcast.

This is precisely why your child needs your support. Please sit and talk to your child. If you can quell his/her fears and be a friend, your child will feel confident that he/she is not any less for his sexual orientation.

For your child to stand tall, focus on his/her strengths and talents and face the world head on; you need to help him/her see his/her sexual orientation for what it is, just that.

It needn't take over his entire personality. It is just a part of who he is, not a sum of all that he is.

As for what the relatives and the society at large say, believe me, it is not important.

For those who are part of extremely traditional families and social structures, it will be much more difficult, but remember it is your child's life that is at stake.

And you, as parents, are the only ones who can help him/her face the world.

For some, "coming out" to the world may not be a possibility. But the child needs to know that as far as you are concerned, he/she is "okay". And if and when he/she does decide to "come out" to the world, it will be a celebration of his/her own life and of you as a family.

Watch: Constitution does not say We the 'Heterosexuals'. Why should Section 377?

Last updated: July 13, 2018 | 14:56
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