How I plan not to behave badly with family
Families can be difficult. I love my family. Well, most of the time. But, they do tend to bring out the worst in me. I always have grand plans to behave a certain way and imagine our family time to be full of love and fun (because that’s how I feel about them in their absence).
Of course there are times exactly like that — when we are laughing till we are crying about in-jokes and references that no one else would find even remotely funny. For about five-and-a-half minutes it’s magic, then someone says something or doesn’t say something, or a blood member glances or the new spousal member twitches and the fire breathing dragon is unleashed.
I wouldn't dream of talking to anybody the way I bark at them. It’s as if I’m saving my easy going, cheerful self (and I tell you I can fill a room with joy) for the shopkeeper I don’t give a damn about, while bringing out the neurotic monster in me specifically for those people that I supposedly love the most in the world. I didn’t understand why, till my daughter’s teacher started describing a child that I didn’t recognise.
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| Although I am a big believer that no one is ever too old or too wise to lie on the family floor kicking and screaming that life is so unfair, that method has not garnered much success. |
I repeatedly asked, was it MY daughter she was talking about who was helpful, didn’t bargain, gladly participated, patiently waited for her turn… where were all the temper tantrums? Why was I taking home an irrational brat while they got to deal with a well-adjusted, reasonable, calm child? Even at four, my daughter had mastered who she could let rip with and who she had to pull it together for.
Being on the other side I finally understood — my raison d’être as far as she was concerned was to get it even before she had ‘thunk’ it, to solve it even before she had worked out the problem. She needed to be the unfiltered, worst version of herself in the safe haven of her family knowing that still she’ll be loved, so that she could be the best version outside to charm the world.
As an adult, I still haven’t outgrown this. In fact I’ve got a whole new person and family - that’s bound by marriage - to inflict this behaviour on. I’m not alone. Extreme examples of families behaving badly are found everywhere. Anyone heard of the Ambanis? Or maybe the Mafatlals?
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| Families can be difficult. I love my family. Well, most of the time. |
This holiday season I’m determined to break the pattern. Although I am a big believer that no one is ever too old or too wise to lie on the family floor, kicking and screaming that life is so unfair, that method has not garnered much success. In fact, apart from being dubbed hyssie (short for hysterical) and subsequently being dismissed, the impact on the outcome has been negligible.
So, I’m going to try another method to get what I want. And all I want is to be heard, helped, comprehended, respected, prioritised, put up on a pedestal, made into a millionaire and the list goes on. In pursuit of a new dynamic — I’m abandoning the list. Yes, altogether forsaking it. That’s huge and utterly terrifying!
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| Every family is a frightening group of diverse temperaments united by a shared history and intense lack of control, unwittingly thrown together to experience life. |
The realisation that these people don’t possess a magic wand to turn my life into a fairy tale is immensely disappointing but possibly true. I’m going to stop playing the victim. Instead I’m going to tell them in a systematic clear way what I expect them to do for me and if they don’t abide I’m going back on that floor with a vengeance.
Also, if any of them play the victim I will smile the sweet smile I save for the nameless shopkeeper and walk away. If they broach controversial subjects like — why are you writing about us, then I will immediately lie to keep the peace and swear it’s not about them but a fictitious family or that meddling neighbour’s family.
The trick is to steer clear of anything that might annoy you or them, which means good topics to talk about are… err… well actually it’s better to stay silent as even chat about the weather has the potential to infuriate one of us. It’s not that we are all large personalities with unshakeable opinions (which of course we are); it’s that everyone feels safe to voice their deeply half-baked beliefs in this comfort zone where doubtless we will be sniggered at but not judged.
Every family is a frightening group of diverse temperaments united by a shared history and intense lack of control, unwittingly thrown together to experience life. It’s a group that knows you better than you know yourself. It’s here that you can be torn apart, broken down to your essence and it’s here where you can be built up again to scale the world.
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| The trick is to steer clear of anything that might annoy you or them. |
The hitch is it doesn’t always deliver what you want when you want. You have to just grab what you can in the five seconds it chooses to function optimally. It’s when that glorious, chosen family of bosom friends you’re so proud of handpicking, starts to follow a similar course and begins to breakdown you appreciate that families are not a self-sufficient maxim, they require nurturing.
It’s only when you get off that hard-done-by, tantrum floor you can begin to see the kind and unselfish acts they have done for you without ever mentioning it or how they have stood like rocks, accepting you openly in whatever form you come. At least mine has and this Christmas I’m going to try and remember that while I remain cautiously silent on the dinner table.
(Courtesy: Mail Today)