How dare they ask which rapist gave you most pleasure
The younger me always thought that if I ever had to face an assault or violence of any sort, I would stand up and speak defiantly until justice came my way. And, for the longest time I drew parallels between courage with seeking justice.
When my househelp would reach home bruised and beaten-up, assaulted sexually and physically by her husband, I would cringe. Many conversations later, I realised her dignified silence on everyday assaults was her way of protecting her family and kids.
For the fear of being shamed and mocked, she kept a deafening silence deep within and lived through the trauma.
Some years later, perspectives have changed but doubts cloud my sanity and the urge to seek solutions is uncontainable.
And, late last night, while flipping lazily through the news that I missed through the day, I came across the story of a woman who was allegedly raped by her huband's friends and as much as she wanted to take them to task, she couldn't because of the humiliating questions thrown at her by the Kerala cops. "Who gave you the most pleasure"?
Co-relating rape and pleasure is misogynistic and reeks of the stubborn mentality that a sexual encounter cannot be anything but pleasurable.
Victim-shaming has been the one reason that most cases of rapes and assaults go unreported. There were about 32,077 rape cases reported in 2015 but there are many more that get buried under the fear of being raped over and over again by the authorities, by those in power, in the name of law and procedures.
First the rapist, then feel violated when curious eyes and raised eyebrows scan you for traits of indecency that could have provoked the act. If that isn't enough, the medical examination takes place, where you are stripped of whatever dignity and strength you ever possessed.
From looking for bruises on breasts to examining the vagina for proof. All in the name of laws?
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| The grim reality is that only extreme forms of rape and violence, those of "shock" value, grab attention. (Photo credit: India Today) |
Violating the woman's modesty over and over again until her voice cracks up, until she feels sodomised with indignation and feebly gives up on hope and herself.
Either one has to be brutally butchered like Nirbhaya to force the watchdogs of society to overlook attire, behaviour and other forms of "lakshman rekhas" that a woman may have supposedly crossed, or the victim has to be a toddler who can barely talk or understand the crime.
The grim reality is that only extreme forms of rape and violence, those of "shock" value, grab attention. The rest and anything in between are silenced either by fear, shame or pressure.
As I write this piece, someone somewhere is being violated. Twelve minor tribal girl students aged between 12 and 14 were allegedly raped by their teachers and headmaster in Maharashtra just yesterday (November 3).
The question is how does one fight the rape culture? Is it just the rapist or is it the violation at every level that a woman must fight? What is the threshold and what lies beyond it?
If lawmakers and protectors of our laws need validation of facts, and hence the questioning and hence the probe, how does one protect a woman already wronged and violated?
Is it just the power play and objectification by a twisted mind of a rapist, or does it go beyond the act itself? Does a woman feel violated at every level by those she seeks justice from?
Between the morality and the legality debate, what gets lost is the hope of the aggrieved. And no matter how many laws are there to protect a person who has suffered violence, a patriarch sitting somewhere at some level of authority will draw sadistic pleasure in watching a woman pleading for justice.
So, what does a woman do? Does she become a fearless, shameless feminist and drop all inhibitions to fight for her rights and those of her fellow women?
Here's what a woman who has been violated must learn. And, others too.
1) Drop shame, an accessory you adorned for the longest time. You are not going to be treated like a goddess anyway.
2) Be shameless just like everyone around you, questioning you about your most intimate body parts. If the law must ask you where the man touched you, show them without flinching.
Bare your body and your soul for the wounds must be seen by all. If you must shame someone, embarrass those who ask you how the man raped you or if it gave you pleasure. Shame them by your unapologetic response.
3) No, your vagina is not the epitome of your sacredness. Stop shaming yourself over someone who violated you.
4) Stop playing victim. Rape and violence are about suppressing human dignity to feed one's own ego and flatter one's own self-worth for having controlled another human being. They feed on your helplessness, your weaknesses and your fears. The moment you decide to stop playing victim and control the situation, you've won half the battle.
5) Shame them, speak up. Data shows that almost 90 per cent of rapes are committed by close family members such as fathers, brothers and uncles, as well as neighbours, employers, co-workers and friends.
Shame them once, shame them for life. One moment of silence feeds their intentions, empowers them to commit crimes time and again. With you or anyone else.
If the law or the society try to disgrace you, learn to be unapologetically shameless.