What not to say to me when I am hurting
A few months ago, I was talking to a friend about mental illnesses and snap came the response: "Oh no! They are dangerous. They can take a knife and just kill you."
I was shocked. Lack of awareness, stigma, prejudice - I don't know what to call it. But I thought this thinking is much more dangerous than the illness itself. Because at the very least, this thinking forces many among us who suffer from mental health conditions to hide.
At worst, it acts as a real stopper to people seeking help and treatment for their suffering.
We spoke to five people suffering from various conditions and asked them, what is the one thing they would like to say to society. More than us, they busted myths. We have a long way to go when it comes to sensitising people. Here is a small start. Please read and share.
1) Don't hang out with me and then say, "hey! you're so cool. It didn't feel like there's something wrong with you" when you're leaving. I'm not abnormal.
Tania Sharma, Marketing Executive
A diagnosis of mental illness does not mean that a person has lost his bearings or has gone "mad". It could be the complex effects produced by even minor imbalances of neurotransmitters in the brain. It could happen to anyone. There is no profile of who is susceptible to a mental health condition. You, me, anyone can get it. If you wouldn't say this to someone who has diabetes or heart disease, there's no reason to say it to someone who has a mental illness.
2) Some people ask me to "snap out of it" and some say "do you know what this will do to your son?" I want to tell them I didn't choose this. I know people won't understand. It's not their fault. I am okay with it.
Sonia Ahuja, Photojournalist
Mental disorders and mental illnesses are not something people "do" to themselves just like you can't "do" high blood pressure or "fever" to yourself. What's worse is that sufferers often have no respite from their emotional pain. They simply learn to cope with their pain in constructive ways to ensure they continue to fulfil their responsibilities as best they can. Think about it. Doesn't this make them really strong people?
3) Nothing hurts more than when my family tells me "you do things and then say it was because you were ill. That's always your excuse." It breaks my heart.
Ashish Prakash, Writer
Do your relationship a favour. Learn more about your loved one's illness and get help to understand how to separate the person from their illness and symptoms. This will not only help you accept the situation but will encourage them to work on themselves.
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| Learn more about your loved one's illness. (Photo: India Today) |
4) Please don't tell me I need to meditate and detox and quit all medication. My anxiety is real, it makes it hard for me to walk sometimes.
Sucheta Verma, Freelance Consultant
Quite the contrary, quitting medication can backfire badly for someone who has a mental illness. Remember that sometimes their thoughts, feelings and behaviour are not the cause but the symptom of something you don't understand.
5) I broke when my spouse told me "your opinion doesn't count. You're sick in your mind anyway." Please don't take my dignity away from me.
Tania Sharma, Marketing Executive
People with mental illness can be intelligent, creative people who are high on empathy. Some great historical figures suffered from mental illness - Abraham Lincoln (clinical depression) and Edvard Munch (anxiety and panic disorder - ever wondered where The Scream came from?) to name a few (and there's quite a long, illustrious list if you care to find out). Having a mental illness certainly does not mean anyone is incapable of thinking or taking decisions.
6) I have to fight a constant battle with weight gain and other side-effects. Please stop telling me I need to lose weight and that I don't look great. I know it but I can't stop my medication...
Sucheta Verma, Freelance Consultant
This is body-shaming. Don't do this to anyone. And for someone who is dealing with a mental health condition, such statements might make them resistant to medication.
7) I am like anyone else on most days. On some days I am different and don't know who I am. All I have to say is neither you nor I are born or live without a handicap. I do good with mine. What about you?
Ravi Chander, Writer
And this is what we all need to understand. Those who suffer from mental health conditions are as different as you or me. They don't need your sympathy. What they do need is empathy as much as any one of us.
The next time you hear about someone who is dealing with a mental disorder or illness, don't freeze or keep your distance. Encourage them to talk and share. You don't need to beware of it. If indeed, you are a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, parent, sibling, colleague or someone in their life, you need to be aware and if you do care, give them a safe zone to open up.
NOTE: All names have been changed to protect identities.