Ten expressions you will only hear on a gay app
Even criminals have their codes. And since we, the burgeoning homosexual community in India, are still criminals in the eyes of the law, I decided to enlist the ten expressions you will endlessly come across on Grindr, the gay meetup app, or on PlanetRomeo, the gay dating website:
Sapiosexual: A sapiosexual is one who finds intelligence sexy. I don't know who chanced upon this word the first time but the truth is it clearly establishes something that is much in demand: intelligence. It is now an India-wide phenomenon. I have seen it appear on profiles in Bangalore, Bombay and Bhathinda (maybe not the last one though). Anyone and everyone who wishes to establish their smarts uses it. It's a tacky word, mind: who in their right mind would think it has anything to do with intelligence? It does make the user sound intelligent though, until it doesn't since everyone and his daddy is using it.
No fatty: No, it's not talk of cholesterol or fatty acids that gets gays perky. It's just one of those things that have become de rigueur in the Indian homosexual community. "Fatty" is a fat person, or so the vocabulary-challenged would have us believe. Since skin is good but anything beneath is not, you would hear this a lot. Go to the gym and work out, dude, there is no place for flab here. We are gay, thank you!
No pic = no reply: Well, this one takes the cake, because I am yet to come across a single profile that does not mention it. Of course, we live in a homophobic country so it's hard enough creating a gay profile. You want me to upload a face pic too? Get outta here. Won't abs do? Or better, dick shots? What, you really wanna see my face? Are you even gay?
No reply = not interested: There was this one time when I went to someone's house for sex, but on seeing me, he did not want to go ahead with it anymore. (Well!) So, he scooted to the balcony, and sent me a message asking, rather sweetly given the circumstances, that I leave. He looked away the whole time, averting my eyes. It was not as bad as it sounds, even though I was the butt of humiliation. But at least he gave a reply. You don't generally get that. You are merely expected to connect the dots.
Looking for fun: That's sex, but we don't call it that. I have no clue why. It's also called NSA. Which stands for "no strings attached" and means what it says: come get me dude but heaven forfend if you shall start dreaming of togetherness or any of those eww emotions.
Have place: Of course, you cannot have sex unless you have place. You should be able to host, preferably in your own room, or if lacking that, in your folks' when they are out, or lacking that, at a friend's who understands, or better still, is gay himself.
Pure top/pure bottom here: Which means you only do one of the two: taking it up the bum or putting goods in there. Versatility in bed in anathema to you mate, for it plays havoc with your notions of gender etc.
Not into anals: That's understandable mate, because it hurts (if you are a bottom, that is) and is never too pleasant even with all the goddamn preparation. But then that's what gay men do and that's all they can do to be honest, so I guess to each his own.
Looking for sane and sensible: This means don't be a murderer or don't tell my parents you slept with me, or don't indulge in drama, which means don't expect a relationship because even though I was inside you the other day I am very happy with my wife at home.
Random bons mots for headline: Like "Good things come to those who wait" (is he talking about the government scrapping 377? I don't think so), or, "Life is a crazy ride" (translated to: "I have been with three men in three days and it was fantastic but I still feel hollow in the gut when I wake up in the morning."), or, "You only live once but if you do it right once is enough" (no clue where that is coming from but it sounds hopeful, so I am hoping he found love or whatever).