I'm fighting bipolar depression. There is a way out
My psychiatrist recently told me what I'd been dreading to hear. I have bipolar disorder. When I heard the same diagnosis four years back from my then psychiatrist, I responded by discontinuing treatment almost as if going away will somehow make the diagnosis go away too. I looked for another doctor in the hope that I will be told I have no problem.
I have been struggling with "something" for many years and it took quite a while - close to six years - to figure out what it really is. But I'm not here to talk about my struggles. I'm not here to explain what bipolar disorder is - that's a Google search away. I'm here to talk about what bipolar depression looks like and what you can do about it.
Surprisingly, I deal with depression much more than mania (high phases) and my brief manic episodes are typically followed by long spells of depression. These spells are long standing and mild but now and then they get much worse.
I have been fighting for long (more than ten years) and I know I will have to continue to do so, so I've come up with my own list of what needs to be done and I want to put it out there because I believe that someone somewhere might draw hope from this. So read on if you are struggling with any kind of mental illness.
1. Accept your condition
To start with I got wrong diagnoses that just didn't fit. My medication, consequently, wasn't working. But when I did get a diagnosis, the term seemed so scary that I rejected it and found it easier to blame myself. This internal battle, to my mind, is the biggest one you will fight. If you can't accept what you are going through, it's rather silly to expect that your friends and family will.
Also, because I was rejecting my diagnosis, I began to refuse medication. I assumed that fighting it on my own somehow has greater honour (more on this later). This was only worsening my situation and I continued to suffer in silence losing time and money on expensive treatment.
I've reached the conclusion that accepting your condition is a big load off your head. You can finally move on to better things - like how to live with your illness, what to do to make life better (believe me you can) and how to cope with the ups and downs (literally, in my case). It makes you feel infinitely lighter to close a chapter and stop hunting for reasons to understand why you feel the way you feel.
2. Choose therapy wisely and carefully
For reasons of my own, I've decided to take a break from therapy*. I've been in therapy for a long time to know that people often overlook a few things. There are many types of therapy and not every kind suits every personality. Choose yours with care. The questions you want to answer for yourself are - are you more introspective and analytical? are you more action and result oriented, needing to address issues in a time bound manner? are you someone who needs to share and discuss things with others who are in a similar boat? For each kind, there is a different therapy. Do not be stuck in what is wrong for you. And you'll only know by asking questions, trying out different things and finding a therapist you can trust.
But whatever you do, be careful of one thing. A psychologist and a psychiatrist speak very different languages. But they should not be completely out of sync with each other. For instance - my psychologist felt that I cannot possibly have bipolar disorder while two psychiatrists told me that I do. I was being medicated for bipolar disorder, which seemed to work well. But I had begun to face a massive internal conflict. This became a big reason for me rejecting my diagnosis and refusing medication along with huge self blame. I went off medication until I got a full blown episode that left me unable to come to work.
I was shaken into reality and saw that a therapist and a psychiatrist must ultimately agree with what they are working on and not speak divergent languages. So find one who understands your condition and works with you.
3. Don't refuse medication; don't be a martyr
For a long time I believed medication is a crutch. Like I said before, I assumed I was stronger as long as I fought it on my own. What nonsense! If I had diabetes or high blood pressure, of course, I would have to make lifestyle changes but would I say there is greater honour in not taking medicines if my blood sugar was over the roof?
Another reason for being wary of medication is side effects. Anyone with mental illness will tell you that their life is a mish-mash of trying different medicines and figuring out which one has side effects that are at least manageable. Unfortunately, there is no shying away from this.
On the whole, I think I know when I've reached a point where it is hard to function on my own. If you can do that, then you know it's time to seek help and there is no shame in getting it. We're all trying to live a better life with the resources we have and this is no different.
4. Enlist support but only from the right people
It's important that your friends and family know what you're dealing with. I have a couple of people I can trust and who will stand by me during emergencies and I consider myself lucky.
Let your trusted ones know what you're feeling and try not to isolate yourself as much as possible. Tell them what you need. I need simple one on one activities where I can just be. Figure out what works for you and ask.
And stay away from the bunch who will dish out nonsense like - "have you tried going off medicines?"; "Try yoga and breathing..."; "Just tell yourself you are fine and be positive." They'll never get it. They're wasting your time and you are wasting theirs. Stay away from such people because they'll make you feel worse.
5. Know that you can and should still depend on yourself
In the end, despite the support that you may get, you will still be left with a lot to deal with on your own. Long spells of loneliness, suicidal thoughts, inability to eat or exercise and sometimes even an inability to be effective at work. It's hard; very hard. I have only one thing to say to you - sit with it but keep moving forward.
Talk to yourself a lot and keep reminding yourself that this is not you. It's an ailment and there is a solution.
Most of all, I have found that it helps to stop looking for joy or happiness and settle for calm and peace.
6. Find something that engages you; even if briefly
This is the hardest. However, I have realised that even the best of people cannot fully comprehend what I am going through and can't be there always. This is my fight and I have to make it. I can't stop fighting because that will only make things worse for me. You shouldn't either.
I've found that I've lost interest in practically everything that I used to once enjoy - reading, writing, exercising, dressing up or going out with friends, eating, etc. Living for a larger cause; a purpose and a dream sounds like mumbo jumbo now (to put it mildly).
So I've decided not to push myself anymore. I do as much as I can, especially when I find that I am slipping into a dreaded place. For instance, I watch a movie at a theatre to push myself to get out or I meet a friend. So do something that engages you, at least briefly.
There's one thing that helps most and I'll close with that. Get objective and mechanical about what you're going through. This comes with acceptance of your condition and kindness towards yourself. Know that this is an illness, just like any other and that most people are dealing with something or the other that is challenging. It makes things that much easier.
(The writer of the above piece wishes to remain anonymous.)