Stop using 'friend zone', it doesn't exist

Once upon a time, oh-so-many sitcoms ago, the "friend zone" was introduced as part of a comedic plotline detailing the completely imaginary lives of six New Yorker buddies.

It has long since ceased to be funny, and trust us when we say this boys, every time you use it now, it only makes you sound like an entitled shmuck. Here's why.

To be clear — displaying common courtesies, being a decent human being, being warm and friendly, not being a loudmouthed a*shole or being sexist or racist or a misogynist — these are literally the bare minimum that are expected of everyone in the first place.

It is the norm, and you don't get a medal for not being pond scum. Women don't expect it, so why should you? And you certainly don't expect sex from male friends when you extend platonic gestures of kindness towards them, so why the double standard when you are "nice" to women?

It's ridiculous how often women get told off simply for saying no; for simply expressing and exercising their fundamental right to sexual autonomy. For all the times that we didn't want to go home with the loud guy at the bar, who would neither stop badgering us, nor plying us with drinks nor let us finish our conversation with our girlfriends in peace — because, of course, just like the friend zone, the other thing that men think is real is that persistence pays off — it's because "women be b*tches".

We're either playing hard to get, or we don't know how to gracefully accept a compliment — and, of course, the way to do that is by eventually putting out.

Ironically, it's the same grown-up men who dole out this sort of advice — telling us that maybe we should learn to recognise a great guy when he's right in front of us, or be grateful for compliments (which if we think are offensive, it's because we don't have a sense of humour), and so on and forth — who still haven't learnt to understand the meaning of one simple word. No.

Now guys, this might come as a shock to some of you, but it's time you were let in on a secret — women have sexual desires too. That's right! Women, just like men, also put themselves out there, also wear their hearts on their sleeve, also ask men out, also face rejection from time to time, and sometimes, also have their hearts broken.

The difference is that you will rarely, if ever, see them then going on a rampage, accusing men of "friend zoning" them — because, once again guys, the friend zone, waaaait for it... is not real.

Instead, women choose to ask logical questions and arrive at logical answers like "maybe he's just not that into me", or "maybe he just needs to be single right now" or even, and this one's a doozy, so sit down if you must, "maybe he's perfectly happy just being friends"!

If women did everything that men did despite being concretely told that a romantic relationship was off the table, they'd instantly be labelled nuts: "b*tches be cray".

"Probably got a hankering for babies, mate," the men would hoot, high-fiving and sniggering at a poker night over beers, because persistent women are pathetic and clingy and desperate, while persistent men are the stuff of Bollywood dreams and Mills and Boon fantasia.

Both, also utterly imaginary worlds, functioning to condition generations into learning the exact opposite of what they should be recognising instantly — consent.

Please understand that when women say no, it simply means no — it doesn't "actually mean yes", they're not playing hard to get, and it's not code for anything other than no.

Do not expect a sexual relationship to follow in the wake of the platonic niceties you've extended a woman — it's plain creepy. After you've made your intentions known, and we've gently said "no thanks", take the rejection on your chin like an adult, and move on.

Don't send us morning, afternoon and nightly texts instead, don't make us CDs of your favourite indie bands, don't like each and every one of our Facebook posts, don't make it to every house party we go to because maybe we'll change our minds if we just got to know you a little better, because we won't.

And when we don't, for heaven's sake don't forlornly say the words "friend zone" or Google how to get it out of it — because A) it's mind-boggling how much gender-stereotyping and "helpful advice" you'll find on the internet and trust us when we say this: it's only going to make things worse, not better and B) it's not the "friend zone", it's you.

It's you who still has a heck of a lot of growing up to do.

Also read: Aanand Rai's films give men a dangerous idea on how to pursue women