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Letter from Lahore: Men and marriages and how women suffer

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Mehr Tarar
Mehr TararNov 11, 2017 | 09:33

Letter from Lahore: Men and marriages and how women suffer

Recently, I watched four seasons of Ray Donovan, a top-rated American TV show about men who do bad things, men who fix those bad things, children who noisily become what their parents don’t want them to be, and women who appear to be strong but end up being rescued and protected by men, fitting the damsel-in-distress stereotype to the tee. And while I thought the story was gripping, the cast excellent, and the theme of familial love stronger than all other ties that people form while acquiring money and power, what struck me the most was the development of the character of Donovan’s wife.

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Abby Donovan speaks with an accent that is a high-five to her underprivileged, tough background; she mouths expletives, doesn’t mince words, is fiercely individualistic and doesn’t care much about the rules other women live by. And she is aware of her husband’s constant infidelities, and despite raising her voice against it, she loves him and is loyal to him. Until she is not. Her one affair changes it all. She pays the price for that in the wall that appears between her and her husband. She repents, asks for forgiveness, and tries to “atone” for her digression. The husband continues as he was: distant, sleeping with women he lusts for, and staying away from home as and when he likes. There is no apology, no explanation, no justification. He is a man.

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In Ray Donovan, what struck me the most was the development of the character of Donovan’s wife.

There are constant stories in the Indian film industry about women who have affairs with married men, and their unofficial ostracisation from the elite group of “good women”. Quietly, big banners stay away, invitations to A-list events dry up, and sly whispers turn into open slander. The married men go on with their merry ways, swapping one unmarried heroine for another, while the “other woman” is branded with an invisible scarlet letter. Not much changes even when women are said to be changing the rules of the game for them.

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I recently bumped into an old college mate, someone I didn’t recognise but who seemed to remember me. Five minutes into the conversation, she told me about her recent separation from her husband of almost three decades: he had married someone else. While most women in feudal set-ups in Pakistan accept the hell of a second wife, she was forced – by her husband or her own good sense, who knows – to leave her home. The well-spoken, smart woman now find herself at a crossroads as to what to do with her life, most of which she spent as someone’s daughter and someone’s wife.

A few years ago, the husband of one of my cousins remarried; his new wife worked as his first wife's help. Yes, these things happen in the real world, in this century. The first wife was lovely, smart and articulate, had attended the best schools, worked, raised three children, and was very much the modern woman you see in local society pages. Years later, she is still his wife, having neatly compartmentalised her life and mind into the reality and what she thinks she has to accept as a normal life.

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Years ago, a friend, unhappy and childless in a marriage with the man she didn’t love, fell in love with another man. She left her husband and married him, had two children with him, and has been living her own version of happily ever after in a comfortable marriage, clutching Hermes bags and standing tall in her Louboutins. Women opt out of unhappy marriages if they fall in love. Most men remain in unhappy marriages even if they fall in love. All they need to do is follow the art of compartmentalisation. Most men seem to have mastered it.

And then there are complex stories of those who get out of unhappy marriages for women with whom they weave dreams of a new tomorrow leaving behind the debris of a “broken” home. Their new wives live uneasily nestled in their embraces of assurance and vows of forever, soundproofing their blissful existence to keep out the loud hisses of home-breaker, whore, a woman with no morals, et al.

Stories are rife of many high-profile politicians who have affairs, as well as rumours of many who have secret wives. The distortion of a religious injunction allowing men to have four wives is perpetuated, pushing aside the very basic idea of not hurting and cheating on the first wife. Women, apparently strong and every bit progressive as they should be in 2017, fall into clichés of defence and self-preservation. Men will be men, what-can-I-do, he will come back to me, he loves me and the children, I have built this family giving it my life, how can I walk away from him now, I don’t care what he does outside the home as long as he is good to me and the children, what will I do if I leave him now, all men are the same, I don’t have the strength to start a new life.

Many women protest, stand up, walk out of the house, maintain a state of anger, and draw lines for future behaviour. A few decide not to forgive their spouses and end the marriage, but that is only a few. Most women accept it as a way of having a normal marital life. Their lives become stories of pain, sacrifice and compromise; they learn to “share” their husband’s love and attention, turning the very idea of marriage on its head. Marriage is a union of two people, a building of life based on ideas of honesty, sincerity, and a promise to be with one another through the good and the bad, till death do us part.

When did the definition of bad turn into an uncomfortable compromise to look the other way when you know your spouse is sleeping with someone else, spending time with someone else, whispering forbidden words to her, and in some cases, falling in love with her? When did the idea of maintaining a perfect house and a perfect appearance overtake the very premise of a marriage: you will love only one person? The excuse of keeping a marriage going for the sake of children doesn’t fool anyone, least of all the children. Most children are fine with seeing their parents separated than to see them perpetuate a façade of a marriage shrouded in long nights of loneliness, tears hidden behind coats of mascara, empty vows wrapped in expensive gifts and ugly words hissed behind closed doors.

In the words of the very wise Kahlil Gibran, for the longevity and beauty of any relationship: let there be spaces in your togetherness.

As long as those spaces are not dark chasms made by an un-togetherness of lies, betrayal, breaking of promises, and heartbreak. That is when you get up, and walk out. A relationship glued with an unprincipled compromise and broken promises works on a timer of destruction, stripping itself of respect and dignity, one sliver of the self at a time.

No relationship is worth losing that one person who will be with you no matter what happens: you.

Last updated: April 13, 2018 | 19:41
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