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10 things I learned from watching Fifty Shades of Grey

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Kaveree Bamzai
Kaveree BamzaiJun 10, 2015 | 13:24

10 things I learned from watching Fifty Shades of Grey

Some movies make you suffer existential crises. Fifty Shades of Grey about poor little rich boy Christian Grey with a BDSM fixation and lovely little poor girl Anastasia Steele with a fixation for cuddling is one such. No, not because I have suddenly realised there is a world of naughtiness out there I never knew about but because I was under the impression that Fifty Shades of Grey was about sex. It is anything but. Here are ten things I learned from watching the movie.

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#1. That money turns on America more than sex does. Fifty Shades of Grey is not so much a movie as an extended product catalogue (which may explain why the male lead, Jamie Dornan, is a former model better known as the Golden Torso). Planes, helicopters, fast cars, sharp suits, watches, the movie has it all. "Which one is yours," asks Anastasia when she and Christian are walking through a garage of gorgeous cars. "All of them." We, and Anastasia, swoon. For more on the product experience, read this about the 13 companies benefiting most from their placement in the movie.

#2. Every tortured movie billionaire must know how to play the piano. And it must be followed by a sex scene with the woman who will save him. Anyone remember Richard Gere and Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman?

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Julia Roberts and Richard Gere in Pretty Woman.

#3. American women have a strange fascination for British (or at any rate Northern Irish in the case of Dornan) men pretending to be American men. Dornan, like most franchise stars, is not American. If Twilight (the original inspiration of Fifty Shades of Grey) launched Robert Pattinson into hearthrob stratosphere, Dornan is likely to follow as the greyer and greyest get ready to roll.

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Robert Pattinson played the vampire, Edward Cullen in Twilight series.

#4. Every ingénue who ever wants to make it in Hollywood has to bare her breasts in at least one movie. Poor Seth MacFarlane was right when, as Oscar host in 2013, he sang an ode to the all the actresses whose boobs he had seen onscreen (which was everyone in the room): "Meryl Streep, we saw your boobs in Silkwood/Naomi Watts in Mulholland Drive/Angelina Jolie, we saw your boobs in Gia/They made us feel excited and alive..." The same doesn't apply to the (ahem!) private parts of a male actor. Fifty Shades of Grey offers an unrelenting view of Dakota Johnson's you-know-whats but nary a peek at Dornan's.

#5. That there is no happy-ever-after for Elizabeth Bennet. Jennifer Ehle, the gorgeous Elizabeth to Colin Firth's Mr Darcy in BBC's iconic adaptation of Pride and Prejudice, plays Anastasia's mother, now on husband number four. What? Did Hollywood have to break up that particular fantasy? I am just grateful they didn't make Colin Firth play Christian's dad.

#6. That there are movies that can do cornier dialogue than the Twilight series. "Where have you been all my life?" says Dornan looking meaningfully into Johnson's eyes. "I mean, look at me," says Johnson, self-consciously, drawing attention to her frumpiness in another scene. "I am," says Dornan. Ah. How meaningful.

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#7. That eventually Hollywood copies Bollywood which copies Hollywood. Got it? Simple. Bollywood rips off Hollywood all the time, but then so does Hollywood - what explains the rise of the stalker as hero in Fifty Shades of Grey? Salman Khan, Akshay Kumar, Dhanush have been doing it for years in India: chasing a woman until she gives in and calling it love.

#8. That Beyonce is the new Oprah. Because no pop culture phenomenon in America is complete without Queen Bee. So the film's theme, "Haunted", had to be her song, and like the movie, it had to be a blockbuster.

#9. That Hollywood doesn't believe in the law of diminishing returns. That it will explore the world of biting lips, horsehair whips, silk blindfolds and steel handcuffs until it stops paying off. Don't be surprised if EL James starts writing part four on the sets of part two.

#10. That we will never ever get to see the complete film on screen in India. Sunny Leone as Baby Doll is the extent of X-rated raciness we can do.

Last updated: September 14, 2016 | 11:49
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