Deep, dark family secrets of Narendra Modi and Akhilesh Yadav
They might have returned from Proxima b – the nearest exoplanet, and the clandestine hideout of the “other Modis” – only now, but Prime Minister Narendra Modi’s extended family is something that must be kept under the Official Secrets Act. The only time they are allowed to surface is when they are placed in adjustable but revolving distance from the man himself, occupying a central seat that exerts its mass to bend space-time and create the mutable ultra sub solar system that’s the Modi family.
And even as every other family – particularly the one that Uttar Pradesh chief minister and Ajatashatru reincarnate (Ajatashatru who? Er, go back to Vedic Age), Akhilesh Yadav – is busy recalibrating, knocking off the supermassive blackhole that was eating up its own stars, stands in sharp contrast, the Modi family is really a homily in itself. So austere is its every fibre, that even blood refuses to quite flow without breaking into a kirtan and singing the praises of Narendra, the prime miser, sorry, the prime minister of India.
It has been revealed by our top sources that instead of reinforcing the patriarchal Indian family, Narendra Modi has been trying for four decades now to subvert it completely, shunning all ties and relations unless strictly necessary for the sole purpose of an absolutely selfless and supremely political act of a photo-op.
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| Prime Minister Narendra Modi with his mother. [Photo: PTI] |
Exactly as the Yadav family plays musical chairs with Assembly seats in Uttar Pradesh, or Akhilesh the Icarus shows that his wings are not made of wax and can not only fly past the Sun, but actually eclipse it completely, PM Modi insists that none of his family members is able to claim the “hangers-on” benefit, something that’s the world oldest and mostly widely ever available grant.
So adamant is PM Modi in ensuring that his family, despite sharing its genes with him, is subject to that thing affectionately referred to as the “plight of the aam aadmi”, that often his brothers and sisters and nephews and nieces simply avoid mentioning the PM at all, for the fear of being held up to a standard of scrutiny that is too impeccably Himalayan for comfort.
It has been revealed that they routinely skirt the topic of Narendrabhai’s prime ministership, and frantically change the channel when the PM does one of his alternate-day televised speeches and talkshows and fancy dress competitions and headgear sporting events and you-are-my-BFF galas for BJP national president Amit Shah.
Also, they dread the bi-yearly visits that Heeraben – their nonagenarian mother – pays to Narendrabhai, because once she returns, the poor woman insists that she be taken back to that garden of Eden, err, we mean 7 Race Course Road, err, no, we really mean 7 Lok Kalyan Marg. It becomes mighty difficult for the other Modis to explain to their mummy dearest that the next call of duty from Narendrabhai would only come after months and years of of super dedicated oblivion on their part.
By contrast, the Yadav family not only believes in being seen lusciously lusting for the chairs of power, they actively manufacture that trademark Yadav clannishness that magnetically transports them to the true seat of ever changing power. Forget living on Rs 10,000 or under per month, the Yadavs are only interested in cycling their stretched and stunted bodies to the sweet spot where power insists on shifting itself from the socialist thumb of Netaji to the technocratic click of Netaji 2.0.
With over 20 posts in various capacities within the UP Assembly and municipal bodies, the Yadav clan is the true representative of sabka saath sabka vikas, a motto made ironically famous by PM Modi!
According to a report published in the world’s most respected scientific journal Nature, the Yadav family tree has been established to be a mutant species of the banyan itching to be a mangrove swamp, while the Modi family tree is a date palm who fronds are so tiny and the trunk so tall and massive that the leaves are simply invisible to the naked eye.
It is important that these findings be taken into account by the journalists who are staking their reputation and Twitter following on “Battleground UP”, simply because no Indian family can be understood minus its illustrious phylogeny, and the chart that ensures that red blood cells outsmart brain and spinal cells every time.
Well, almost every time. Exceptions exist on Proxima b.