I'm your friend, I love Modi. Bharat Mata ki Jai

We need to make more babies because Muslims are taking over our country.

 |   Long-form |   05-11-2016
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Hello!

I hope this message finds you in the saffron of health. It's been a while since we've spoken to each other. You may not remember me too well but I used to sit four desks ahead of you in class. Remember, how we used to bunk Miss Pushpa's class by hiding in the bathroom? Fun times.

Anyway, I write to you because Muslims are taking over our country.

Sure, all these reporters and academics will say that only 15 per cent of Indians are Muslims but at the rate that they are doing the reproduction, they will soon outnumber Hindus like us. Many of our Hindu fellows don't want to get married and are too busy with the blue films. We need to make more babies. I have made two sons and both of them are Vedic scholars. They can't find jobs right now because all these IT companies say they are looking for someone who is speaking Java, not Sanskrit. These fools don't know that the Puri Shankaracharya is saying that computers have their origins in Vedas! Even Uber technology was invented first in Hastinapur when Pandavas went on their exile using uberPOOL.

pushpak-viman-small__110516070125.gif Even Uber technology was invented first in Hastinapur when Pandavas went on their exile using uberPOOL. 

Hey, remember when we had vodka shots after graduation on our dorm terrace and Nitin choked on his? That was hilarious. Bro, check out these links on Swarajya magazine that confirm my confirmation bias. All these anti-national JNU professors argue that Muslims can call themselves Indians just because they have been living in India since 12th century. Arrey, what rubbish! I read this WhatsApp message that said that India belongs to Hindus because Dravidians were here first (personally I don't like idli dosa, but at least it is vegetarian).

Also, some people are saying that Africans were the first ones here and everywhere which is also wrong. Nigerians started coming to India only after 2014 when they saw that India is developing under Modi.

Speaking of Modiji, can you believe how these anti-nationals are acting? So what if he lied to get into power and is not delivering on any of his promises? At least he is helping other Hindus like Adani and Ambani! And he also wants to help Muslim women by getting rid of triple talaq. So what if he didn't help his own wife? Even Sidhartha became Buddha only after leaving his wife. 

Sometimes, when my wife is nagging and eating my head by asking me to exercise and eat healthy and play with the children even I feel like meditating under a tree. However, it's very hot these days so I just go to Bangkok with my friends (you want to come next time? Rs 19,000 including hotel and flights. Ping pong show is extra).

All these libtards are creating such tamasha over Diwali. Why only Hindu festivals getting targeted? Hey bro, check out this unbiased link about how a single leg of lamb is equivalent to Rs 4,000 of firecrackers. These liberals with their cars and ACs and microwaves are polluting the whole environment, but if I want to burst crackers for five days and cause inconvenience to elderly people and infants and animals then they have a problem it seems! Of course, I also use cars and ACs and microwaves but for the sake of this argument let's pretend that I am Leonardo DiCaprio. I can't imagine Diwali without crackers. Setting off a chocolate bomb always reminds me how much I love Lord Rama.

Bro, I don't know about you but I love our soldiers almost as much as I hate Pakistan. How dare these anti-nationals question the Army? So what if the government is using the surgical strikes to get more votes? So what if they are not granting OROP to soldiers and causing their suicides? If you are a soldier and kill yourself means you are mental case. These journalists with their logic and all are saying that questioning BJP is not the same as questioning the country, but my tauji sent me a WhatsApp message that says that anti-nationals are not to be trusted (he runs a bathroom hardware shop and knows everything about politics).

Of course, when I questioned the government when Congress was in power, it was different because I'm a self-declared patriot. Anyone who knows more than me is a pseudo-intellectual, anyone who is more tolerant of other cultures than me is a sickular, any activist working for the poor is a Commie/Leftist/JNU jhollah-wallah and any journalist who reports on things that make me uncomfortable is a presstitute.

Although no one in my family has ever served in the Army, my heart bleeds for the soldiers ever since I saw that Border film. Sunny Deol and Sunil Shetty were too good and how they beat Pakistanis like anything! Even Pooja Bhatt was looking sexy but not as sexy as Akshaye Khanna who still had his wavy hair before going bald in Dil Chahta Hai.

Also, check out KK Menon's speech in Shaurya because after hearing it I started hating terrorists even more. I get all my political beliefs from Bollywood films. One of my friends says I'm a jackass for not differentiating between fact and overdramatised fiction, but he only smokes ganja and watches French movies with subtitles.

I was so happy recently when I saw news of those eight terrorists getting shot in Bhopal. I think a Hindu is innocent until proven guilty, but a Muslim is guilty until proven innocent. How many of them are eating biryani in our jails and costing us so much money? Why can't they eat veg pulao like normal people? Let's just get rid of them without trial because I have no faith in our judicial system.

I have no faith in our Constitution. I have no faith in our media. I only have faith in Narendra Modi and Amit Shah.

Hey, remember when I scored 17 out of 100 in Geography and marked the whole of South America as London? Ha-ha-ha! We are all so innocent in school. Here's a video of some random guy explaining why refugees from Syria should be left to drown in the sea. I find that YouTube is the best platform to understand complex geopolitics. I hate migrants. Bombay is getting so full of people coming from everywhere else. When I moved to Bombay from Surat it was different because when I migrated it was a necessity, but all these other people are moving here for timepass.

Look, frankly speaking, I don't care much for facts. I don't care if my opinions are correct. I just love my country although I never show this patriotism anywhere but on internet forums. There is much fun to be had with hypocrisy.

I accuse liberals of not doing anything for the country when I myself have done nothing for India apart from watching Shivaay. I argue that they won't be allowed any freedom in Saudi Arabia or Pakistan while denying them freedom in India itself. I will not allow atheists to have a peaceful seminar because how dare they not believe in anything? I only donate money to temples if they acknowledge my donation on a name plate.

If I give money to beggars means they will get more lazy. I love all animals except dogs, cats and birds (mostly cows). Gau rakshaks don't represent me but every terrorist represents Muslims. And don't even get me started on Dalits (why can't they just accept their fate? I have made peace with the fact that I am a Brahmin with privileges. Do you think the guilt is easy to bear?).

Even the great Arnab Goswami has left his job so now we need to alert our fellow Hindus and nationalists more than ever. Mr Goswami has done so much for the country. By being as loud and annoying as a car alarm, he kept many terrorists away because no one wants to enter a country that makes so much racket. All these presstitutes like Ravish Kumar are doing serious journalism based on facts and research which is not fun to watch.

Bro, remember when you came to my birthday party in eleventh standard and I gave you the cake's corner piece? I'm throwing a party in tribute of Donald Trump on Tuesday night so please try to come. Mr Trump is a great man because he hates immigrants but loves Indians. If he becomes President then I will give you a corner slice again.

How's your mother? Tell her I said hi and tell your sister not to hang around with Muslim boys because they will make MMS and blackmail her with love jihad. I read it on internethindu.org so it must be true.

Regards and Jai Hind and har har Modi,

Your Facebook friend who suddenly became nationalist in 2014

Writer

Abhishek Sikhwal Abhishek Sikhwal

Abhishek Sikhwal is a Calcutta-based writer.

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