A crash course in Pakistan's Ivy League of terror with Chancellor Nawaz Sharif

You know you have come a long way when Americanisms get suffixed or prefixed by your side. Far from being an unwholesome hatchery or nursery of terror, Pakistan has been duly recognised as the "Ivy League of Terror", a title long due because of its tireless services to global jihad since the dawn of time (circa 1947). 

As India hit back at Pakistan in its right to reply at the 71st session of the United Nations General Assembly after Pakistan Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif beatified Burhan Wani and held him above and beyond Saint Teresa of Mamata-occupied Calcutta, First Secretary at the Permanent Mission of India to the UN, Eenam Gambhir, a cherubic sari-clad diplomat with a voice sweeter than honey, voiced that description that has caught on so.

Because she lisped a little (come on, she isn't auditioning to be a news anchor on Indian TV, is she now?), Syed Akbaruddin, India's permanent representative at the United Nations since January 2016, couldn't suppress the urge to tweet out the whole of the rebuttal typed out in pristine A4 format, para breaks duly in place.

Land of Taxila, one of the greatest learning centers of ancient times, is now host to the Ivy League of Terrorism - India responds @un pic.twitter.com/ytfT3SR53u

— Syed Akbaruddin (@AkbaruddinIndia) September 22, 2016

Diplospeak went thus: "Ironical that we have seen today the preaching of human rights and ostensible support for self-determination by a country which has established itself as the global epicentre of terrorism." But the metaphorical leap couldn't be gauged without a civilisational lens: from Taxila to Ivy League of Terror is an arc spanning millennia, leave along centuries, and therefore the verdict all the more time-tested.

People were floored.

Young diplomat @eenamg also deserves props for biting take down of Pakistan backed terror at UN -"Ivy league of terrorism" @AkbaruddinIndia https://t.co/UP2eZjZ5WH

— barkha dutt (@BDUTT) September 22, 2016

But that brings us to the important and urgent need to expose the Ivy League of Terror as it is, showcase to you its dramatis personae, post by top secret post.

1. Chancellor Nawaz Sharif

First and foremost, the Chancellor, the presentable and administrative face of the Ivy League of Terror, aka, Nawaz Sharif. His day job as the prime minister of Pakistan is the perfect cover for his actual responsibility in the terror schemata: plausible deniability of all acts of terror in India and elsewhere at all the international forums such as the UNGA.

Additionally, he's required to attend US or China sponsored junkets sampling the best educational courses available worldwide, which can be suitably incorporated into his cherished Ivy League.

2. Vice-chancellor Raheel Sharif

His day job as the Chief of Army Staff, Pakistan, comes with a hefty additional chore: planning and development of all terror modules, or at least sanctioning them if minions dare to ideate, with special focus on India and Afghanistan. They say it's he who holds the strings and that the Chancellor is really in his deep, deep pocket, but he is a man of few words, more actions and auctions.

3. Dean Rizwan Akhtar

Lt General Rizwan Akhtar, whose day job is heading the powerful Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI), is the third in command in this university of terror studies. A close confidant of Vice-Chancellor Sharif, the Dean is a man of even fewer words and is far flashier in his attributes. Not a single academic gossip, or a change in rota, curricula or edu-packs occurs without his covert or overt nod.

Even the photocopier at the Ivy League of Terror, Osama bin Laden 3D-Printing Services, is actually owned by one of his protege also moonlighting as a lab assistant at the institution.  

4. Professor Emeritus Hafiz Saeed

Professor Saeed is a world renowned academic who has penned several internationally-acclaimed books on terrorism. His day job, heading the Jamat ud Dawa, a fantastic think-tank that has brought about paradigm shift in the way we understand and approach terror, is currently in a spot because of tax evasion.

However, Professor Emeritus Saeed, who has exposed the orientalism in terror studies at institutions such as Harvard and Yale, denies those allegations as baseless, the handywork of Indian rivals.

5. Distinguished National Professor (Music and Mythology Studies) Maryam Nawaz Sharif

Professor Maryam Nawaz Sharif, also known as the nightingale of Pakistan, takes upon her father, Chancellor Nawaz Sharif, and issues musically-rich, sonorous deniability to each and every aspect of terror studies. A literature specialist, Professor Maryam is an expert at sweetening the bitter bill that is terror studies, an arduous academic journey requiring years and years of both theoretical and practical training.

6. Associate Professor Imran Khan

Associate Professor Imran Khan is a dashing, swashbuckling academic whose contrarian approach to terror studies has catapulted him to global fame and headline dominance. A noted cricketer, Ass Prof Khan is a debonair doctor of terror philosophy, a Jean Paul Sartre meets Soren Kirkegaard meets Martin Heidegger of negating terror, and his work Terror as Being and Nothingness has earned him a Pulitzer in the con-fiction category already.

Ass Prof Khan has also pioneered research on how modern terror studies have left out the perspectives of natives of Khyber Pakhtunkhwa, and he's rooting for an integrationist, coalitionist approach to terror, involving all and sundry subaltern.  

7. Disgraced former Provost Pervez Musharraf

The Ivy League of Terror has alternated between having a Chancellor and a Provost as posts that mark the top dog. The last provost was Pervez Musharraf, whose impeachment in a case of improper code of conduct and fraud, led to the dissolution of the post.

However, Provost Musharraf was a dashing fellow and is still sought after by eager students of terror studies, or that lone lab assistant looking for a jokey distraction after handling grenades and bombs as part of his practical studies.

8. Most Unmentionable His Honourable President of ChiniPak Foundation, Xi Jinping

He remains the most elusive, most enigmatic, most flushed with moolah and the head of the Board of Trustees responsible for every financial decision behind the prosperous and world famous Ivy League of Terror. He is the quiet force of fortitude, the reason why excellence thrives and is encouraged in the most amazing university of terror studies, and that it is never cash-strapped.

His ChiniPak Foundation is a brand new economic-cum-academic symposium that would connect West Asian terror studies networks with Ivy League's own, bypassing many a cumbersome detour via the Indian Institute of Incompetence and the South East Asian University of Crying Out Loud.

He is the present and the future of the Ivy League of Terror.

Here are the corroborations of our daring profile of the Ivy League.

Excellent Rebuttal By @eenamg To Blatant lies of #NawazSharif at #UNGA Reffering to Pak as 'Ivy league of Terror' !! https://t.co/7IVVZA7YE6

— mamta (@mamtan14) September 22, 2016

Here are the testimonials.

These are the 'young leaders' that emerge from Pakistan's Ivy League of Terrorism. Nawaz Sharif doing a fine job as dean of terror school. pic.twitter.com/8iBAE87iB5

— Rahul Kanwal (@rahulkanwal) September 22, 2016

Superb! the land of Taxila is now the Ivy League of Terror. Must read India's response to Nawaz Sharif's K-rant at @UNGA https://t.co/g7OGPPrjLq

— GAURAV C SAWANT (@gauravcsawant) September 22, 2016

#BREAKING: #India hits out at long tirade of #Pak PM Nawaz Sharif on terror at #UNGA. Says, Pakistan is host to 'Ivy League of Terrorism'. pic.twitter.com/pkr3ZQ0wQ9

— Aditya Raj Kaul (@AdityaRajKaul) September 22, 2016

However, we wish to draw attention to the fact that the nomenclature might have had its origin in the following tweet. Can we give credit where it's truly due?

Pak has the dubious distinction of being the Ivy League of Terror. ISI taught it's terrorists well. The Talibs of Terror! @DirGenISI

— GAURAV C SAWANT (@gauravcsawant) January 9, 2015