Dear Somnath Bharti, this is Don: Is the bark worse than sound bite?

Dear Lipika & Somnath,

At the outset, as they say in this these things, I would like to state that there are no hard feelings. I've had a chance to chew on the events of the last few months (excuse the phrase, dear Lipika), and I have no choice but to confess that they have been the most exciting months of my life. Word on the street is this may be a record of sorts for Labradors (though by "street", of course I mean only the Malviya Nagar area). I've been named in letters of complaint.

Between husband and wife, I've been called the bone of contention, a phrase utterly unfair to my breed, but evidently befitting yours. The other day, my afternoon nap (which reminds me, Somnath, please fix the living room AC) was rudely interrupted with a TV news flash announcing that the Delhi Police wanted my "physical presence" for the "purpose of establishing facts in the allegations". For this, I must thank Lipika.

Revelation

I must reveal that I had to endure several minutes of human underwear advertisements to finally piece together what you, Lipika, said about me in your letter to the police.

I was so shocked, I forgot to have my bowl of afternoon tea. "He made his dog (that is, myself) attack me. While the dog attacked me, Somnath Bharti was standing and watching me getting mauled by the dog. I was bitten by the dog at multiple places in my stomach and private parts. Bharti crossed all barriers of brutality." Before venturing to write this letter to you, I was advised by the Khannas' Pomeranian Babboo two doors away that I shouldn't say too much, given your fight is now in court. (On a side note, that Pomeranian is wise beyond his years - you might consider getting one next.)

But back to the matter at hand, I wonder if it has occurred to the both of you that Labrador Retrievers are not used to the kind of intense schedule I've been subjected to for the last three months. As the both of you, my dear owners, have jostled to fling your issues at each other in front of a slavering media, I feel I've been unfairly dragged into something I want no part of. (Side note to media: When a dog musters enough cheek to employ the word slavering, consider giving it some seriousness).

I believe I have a right to be annoyed. These aren't great times for dogs. They're killing dogs and their babies in Kerala. Here in Delhi I was up all night watching that video of a young man whirling a dog by its legs and flinging it at a car. Apparently, rich people pay to get their dogs to fight to the death gladiator-style near Delhi.

The Communists are killing dogs and stringing them up to make a political point. But two days ago, my annoyance was inestimably amplified by a young lady on a Hindi news channel who referred to me, your dear pet, as "Labradog". I have issued that channel a polite, but terse correction.

Offence

But Pomeranian Babboo informed me, a touch rudely I thought, that TV news channels don't even carry corrections by humans, so I shouldn't hope for anything. Babboo was pointing at me and laughing as he said this. (On second thoughts, don't get a Pomeranian next.)

Somnath, it was fun riding with you in the car the other day (you need to do that more often) even if it was to the police station. Frankly, I did not appreciate the looks I got once we reached there. However, I do appreciate how you, Somnath, referred to me in front of journalists as a harmless fellow who doesn't follow bite orders. I feel you may have given the impression that I'm either disobedient or perhaps, slow. I was hoping you would clarify to our journalist friends that I am neither.

I hope I have not offended you both in any way with this letter. Anything more I say would be conflict of interest either way, since I'm clearly not off the hook yet myself. But now that I've placed on record my misapprehensions at being yanked by the tail (note to all humans: We hate that) into your squabble, allow me to exceed my collar and offer some humble thoughts of my own. Not that I fully understand your motivations. And certainly not because I know all the facts.

Sure, it's a dog-eat-dog world (another unfair phrase, but I'm only trying to speak your language). I can't think of a relationship where poop doesn't hit the fan.

In your case, it's been a uninterrupted supply of said item. Somnath, you've accused the prime minister's office of having a hand in your current troubles. Lipika, you have accused Somnath of setting me loose on you like some crazed hyena.

Planning

The alacrity with which the both of you have summoned journalists to send messages to each other has gratified nobody but the journalists. Even Babboo can't wait for what's coming next.

As an affected party, believe me when I say we're in the same boat. If nothing else, think of me. I must have some face to show in Malviya Nagar.

As you both plan your next moves, whatever they may be, I'm humbly requesting that I be left out of it.

Sincerely & with the best of wishes,

Your ever obedient dog,

Don.