Five things we learned from PK controversy

There’s this guy at the traffic light who gets my goat every time I see him. He dresses up (or down) like the Hindu Lord Shiva to beg. He attempts to scare people with a fake snake dangling around his neck. I used to roll down the window and tease him. He knows I am not going to drop a paisa into his bowl. Of late, he moves on without bugging me. Especially after the day I screamed at him: "Durrr Baanra!" Now, I am a little confused.

I have watched PK. I was moved by the film’s message. But, I am an Indian too. I have watched people protesting and have heard their views in TV debates, because they are the loudest. I am now moved by their message and plan to do something. Since I am incapable of burning cinema halls, I thought I will put down some conclusions that I have drawn from the protests.

Since hurting sentiments of a group of people seems to be a real thing, the following may hurt your sentiments. Since you have chosen to ignore the warning, like you did when you were 16 and claimed to be 18 just to see those photos, let us talk about the five things that we have learned from the PK protests.

1. We are into fiction: We take things seriously. We are a serious nation. We do not bother about statutory warnings, because they are statutory. The film begins with a clear disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Yet we believe what’s happening is real. We are told an alien has landed on Earth. We recognise him immediately as Aamir Khan. Now, everything he does in the film is real. Because the guy can really help deliver a baby with the help of car batteries and a vacuum cleaner. It’s not our fault, though. We grew up on fiction. We are told God is real. We are told holy books are the word of God. Our parents hide gifts under our pillows, and we believe Santa Claus left them the previous night. Sorry if that offended you. Please refrain from reading here onwards.

2. We are mentally-retarded: We have brown skin, which makes us really good at maths. We are quick in solving complex mathematical equations and Rubik’s puzzles. That makes us weak in other departments, like respecting someone else’s point of view, for example. We are slow to get a joke, and even slower in taking offence. Step 1: Get the joke. Step 2: Get that the joke is on us. Step 3: Burn. PK released quite some time back. We realised we were offended after the film had made Rs 200 crore. That too, after people who hadn’t seen the film informed us about the film’s content.

3. Looks can be deceptive: Our religious sentiments are actually sissy. We can take on Pakistan the moment Modiji orders us to do so. We can take on the system when required. We can beat up cinema staff if they continue to play PK. What gets us all weepy is a film that everyone seems to be applauding. Our religious sentiments get hurt. We, of course, don’t need to show any evidence. Like, if A hurts B with a knife, B can complain by showing the wound. Cops can recover the knife and prosecute A. In the case of religious sentiments, we just need to howl. And that is evidence enough. Satanic Verses, Lajja, The Da Vinci Code, PK…the list is endless.

4. Don’t insult the extra: PK the film doesn’t show Lord Shiva. It shows a guy (called an "extra" in film productionese) pretending to be Lord Shiva. The alien called PK chases him, thinking he’s the real one. It’s a funny scene, and the cinema I watched it in had people, mostly Hindu, I presume, in splits. They had no idea that some people who haven’t seen the movie would believe an alien Muslim insulted a Hindu god. Insulting an extra pretending to be Shiva is a threat to a religion so tanatan that it’s called Sanatan (eternal). Thousands of years and conquests by non-Sanatanis couldn’t shake the foundation of a religion that doesn’t even proselytise, is threatened by a concocted alien invasion. A single alien.

5. We have been slaves for so long, we love chains: Man is born free. Then he discovers chains. It looks like we want stronger laws to contain freedom of speech/expression. We cannot write about Nathuram Godse. We cannot depict Mohammed. We cannot ridicule imaginary things, lest it should hurt imaginary sentiments. We will kill real human beings to protect an imaginary paradise. We have a Censor Board. We now have police looking into the content of a film. We already have non-fiction books pulped, and pulp fiction re-pulped. We have restricted humour to Comedy Nights with Kapil, where women (real and fake), can be insulted. We laugh at fart jokes, sex jokes, misogynistic barbs, vertically-challenged people, racist jokes, slapstick, lipstick, Sardar jokes, Bihari jokes, Madrasi jokes. Please don’t bring satire into our lives. We love being chained by newer chains, don’t show how far we can go. Also see Point 2.