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Waving 2014 a kick and a goodbye

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Rahul Batra
Rahul BatraDec 22, 2014 | 20:30

Waving 2014 a kick and a goodbye

Adios 2014!

Wait, already? Why? How? (WTF!) I haven't even met half my annual weight loss target.

In case these are the sort of questions on your mind, worry not. It's that time of the year when columnists begin to advise their readers regarding the following topics:

1.) How to spend the perfect holiday with your loved one

2.) How to indirectly hint to your loved one that the 52-piece cutlery set they presented you with is too lavish for your home (you and your pomeranian don't need so many forks and spoons)

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3.) How to shoot down the we-were-just-passing-by-your-place-so-thought-we'd-drop-in kinds of guests

4.) How to camouflage yourself among the numerous Facebook status updates and check-ins that pop up every millisecond, even when you're not actually celebrating

Pardon me, though. I will not be able to offer any scholastic responses on the above.

This happens to be the time of year when you're bombarded with posters all around you that read something like this:

NEW YRZ BASH AT TRILOGY CLUB WITH DJ NOTORIOUS A.K.A. BABLOO. UNLIMITED BOOZE (and dodgy men). FREE FISTFIGHTS (and one abducted firang for "international feel"). BOOK YOUR PASSES NOW. CALL 1800 (aunty will call the police).

December is also a month when most people use their collective intellectual energies to reminisce and remind each other of the cat videos they missed on YouTube during the year.

Guy 1: "Hey did you see that video of a dog pushing a cat in to the bathtub? ****in' awesome bro!"

Guy 2: "Nope, but I did see the one of a cat under a shower. So awwwww-worthy it was, I tell you."

Guy 3: "Come, let's catch up on cat videos on my laptop. Oh, and that sardar naagin dance video."

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2014 was a year filled with optimism. Husbands got to look at Modiji's receding hairline more than facial wrinkles on their wives (which is not so bad, if you ask me). This was all thanks to a brilliant media campaign. India got a new charismatic prime minister while Rahul Gandhi was busy chest-bumping with Arnab Goswami.

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Bollywood gave us many profound films this year, too.

Jai Ho: A douchebag on a mission to save mankind from peril by forming a multi-level chain of do-gooders. Before you know it, they start selling Sandhi Sudha door to door, to bring about social change in a country where no social gathering is complete without aunties loudly (and competitively) complaining about their body pains to each other.

Happy New Year: A diamond heist set in Dubai where Sheikhs are busy testing car efficiency when spare diamonds are put in petrol tanks, once every patch of the car is encrusted with diamonds. One man's fight to regain his lost pride. His struggle to overcome his deepest desire to rub his six pack abs against a camel's legs whilst also performing pole dance techniques (that's right, it's Sonu Sood, not SRK).

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Now that I have covered both SRK and Bhai's films, I assume I will be spared hate mail (unless Jackky Bhagnani is your demi god, in which case you might as well make love to a cactus and die of blood loss consequently).

Speaking of world events, many lives were lost as people got affected with the deadly Ebola virus, thereby putting all countries on high alert. So much so that when India's first Ebola case hit Delhi, the nation was busy speculating the number of appetisers at Arpita Khan's wedding.

A global trend -- the ALS Ice bucket challenge -- took social media by storm. This was when hypocrites protesting against the Tomatina festival (because of the food wastage) joint hands to waste another precious resource... water.

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Former Thai Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva takes on the Ice Bucket Challenge at the Thai Red Cross Society in Bangkok; August 22, 2014.

"How can you waste rotten tomatoes, man? Make sev tamatar subzi bro."

Sev tamatar defined: A Gujju recipe invented by visionaries, in their quest to allot some meaning to life, in a world without tandoori chicken and reshmi kebabs (for religious reasons).

In other news, little did scientists know that the state of the art US army drones would one day serve humanity in vital ways, like capturing ISIS fighters raping goats red-handed.

Please maintain a safe distance from people for whom the main new year plan is pretty much asking other people about their new year plans. This is a unique species which goes from cubicle to cubicle within the office, proudly proclaiming they have already booked tickets to Seychelles while you're still waiting for your grumpy boss to approve your leave. Social protocol demands that you must respond to these guys with an equally exotic destination.

(Pro tip: Machu Picchu is a good answer that will shut them up and also prevent any further interrogation, considering the low level of awareness about geography most people have.)

That's all for now. Until next year, I shall eagerly wait to reunite with my grand total of two readers, and, by Valentine's Day, 2015, I might even develop a long distance relationship with them.

Last updated: December 22, 2014 | 20:30
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