A 40-year-old single woman on rediscovering life without feeling weird
I have just returned from a cross-country trip in the US.
My single most inspiring experience was to encounter people in the 60-plus age group engaged in all sorts of adventurous activities.
I met them at RV Parks, mountain peaks, fishing camps and adventure trails. Taking small steps, but moving forward nevertheless. It was delightful to meet an 80-year-old couple at the top of a peak that I had struggled to climb. It was equally joyful to meet another group at the bottom of the Grand Canyon carrying their heavy backpacks, while I felt burdened by a small daypack.
I found these oldies working at supermarkets, dancing at rock concerts and sailing in the sea. I met a 72-year-old man performing his first stand-up comedy act. I met a 64-year-old woman learning to ride a motorcycle. I met an 82-year-old retired professor living a full life by himself. The word "old" seemed to have been rendered obsolete in this part of the world.
I am back in Delhi-NCR, and it is truly a different world.
A few months ago, I decided to start running. I started looking at nearby parks in my area. I dismissed the Aravalli Biodiversity Park as I didn't feel safe enough to be running there by myself. The Tao Devi Lal Park is too far away from my house. I miss the parks in Delhi.
I then contemplated jogging in my own colony - DLF Phase I, a posh Gurgaon colony. I have never seen any female runners there, and just a handful of young male runners.
It was not an easy decision to make. Various thoughts populated my mind: "You are approaching 40 years of age. You have put on considerable weight (due to my recent hypothyroid problem, to be clear). You don't have much experience in running/jogging. Imagine a struggling, overweight woman with grey hair running around in the colony. You will present a pitiful, laughable picture. You will humiliate yourself."
For the next few months, I remained a victim of my thoughts and circumstances.
At some point, I shared my "Poor me" story with a friend. She offered a different perspective, "So what if there are no females running in your colony? You could be a pioneer and an inspiration to others!"
That made sense. Still, it was easier said than done. My conditioning involves copious amounts of shame and self-consciousness that is not easy to break through.
Nevertheless, I somehow did it. I started running on my own - in a colony where I hardly find other runners. Rather, I find people of all sorts - corporate executives, security guards, maids, taxi drivers, and old couples - staring at me, as if I am dressed in circus attire or performing some strange antics.
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| In the US, the word "old" seems to have been rendered obsolete. (Photo: Reuters) |
Yesterday, I was crossing a group of young boys playing cricket, when I heard one of them remark: "Budhapey mein jawani aayee hai (she is trying to be young in old age)."
I smiled. I had mentally prepared myself for these kind of comments and sniggers before starting off. So, it did not bother me, unlike when I was young and vulnerable.
It however brought back memories. At 36 years of age, it had not been easy for me to enrol for my first squash lesson at the premier Siri Fort Sports facility. I was probably the only woman learning to play that sport at my age.
The coach would often set me up to play against kids in the age group of 10-15 years of age. So, when I overheard the coach remarking to someone: "Budhapey mein kya shok aaya hai khelney ka (why does she want to play in old age?)," it pinched bad. I did confront the coach but the hurt remained.
At 39 years of age, I was going to the local gym when two local Jat boys, 22 years old training for a competition, came up to me one day, and said, "You have some stamina." I responded, "So do you". They replied, "Yes, but you are almost our mother's age."
I felt embarrassed and angry.
I don't blame these people completely. A large part of it is just me. It is my own beliefs and my own socio-cultural conditioning. It is my own fears and shame. I have internally felt afraid of being perceived as the "40-year-old". Forty meant life was literally over - no more romance, adventure, or wild and wackiness. It was just serious business now.
I grew up in a culture where my grandmother was married off at the young age of 14 years to someone who was already a grandfather. My mother married at the young age of 18 and I was born when she was 20 years' old. Many a times, I have heard them remark to me, "At your age, I had already these many kids", and so on...
I have never had alternate idols. There was no 50-year-old aunt skiing or a 60-year-old aunt going motorcycling.
Day in and night out, I meet people who get married in their 20s , have children in their 30s, and by the time they get into their 40s, they have developed potbellies, and a rigid way of living. Their standard response to a lot of exciting ideas is "I am too old for this stuff".
When I was in my 20s, I perceived a 40-year-old man as someone approaching retirement. That was the culture.
Ever since I have been on the not-so-nice side of 25 years, my family has been after me, "You are getting old. No one will marry you. You will be an old maid. You will cross the child-bearing age."
My answer to that has been: "I will probably just freeze my eggs."
The latest suggestion I get these days is about "age appropriate dressing". I am yet to understand that one. Recently, my mother tried to give me some pashmina shawls.
I asked, "These shawls are too big. You know I have never worn them. So why now?"
She replied, 'Well you are getting older. You may want to wear them now."
Seriously? I would like to just die in my jeans and tank top. Can I make a will about that somewhere? Just in case I maybe in a hospital or may have lost my mental faculties.
Age has been a stressful factor at work too. Being a vagabond, I have often taken breaks in my career, and not risen to the position of my colleagues. Whenever I have rejoined work, I am usually a position lower than the rest of my colleagues (which is actually not so bad considering my gaps).
My workplace has been PR agencies full of young, vibrant people. On many occasions, I have found myself being the butt of age jokes. At other times, I have felt internally terrorised, anticipating any reference to age.
People usually cannot figure out my age from my behaviour (I am quite retarded, so they assume I am in my 20s). But they freak out when they see my grey hair or chance upon my DOB.
As I age, I feel life reveals more of itself to me, presenting new, exciting possibilities. I learn about exotic places I had never heard about, about new ways of being and doing, and about ideas and activities I had never imagined.
Today, I feel I have the right mix of maturity and self-belief to pursue things I choose. Honestly, I was not half as fit at 20 years of age as I am today. My inspiration is the 105-year-old man cycling 24 m. That's how I wish to live.
It is exciting to know that a whole group of people who think and behave like me exist. Some of them seem many times weirder than me. I have the social media to thank for that. I believe we are the change agents, the growing consciousness.
I love experimenting and learning new stuff. I have changed career paths, and experimented with a range of hobbies including art, music and adventure sports. A few years ago, I became a certified scuba diver, last year I became a sailor, this year I intend to participate in half-marathons, and the next year to complete the Annapurna circuit.
It is exciting to know that a really big bunch of people that thinks and behaves like me exists out there. Some of them seem much weirder than me. I can't thank the social media enough for allowing me to know about the existence of these people. Else I would still have been wondering what was wrong with me. Now I know that we are the change agents, the growing consciousness.
I have a 55-year-old female friend who is full of laughter, vital energy and idiosyncrasies. Half the time people are scandalised by her not so age-appropriate behaviour and the other half time, they end up feeling annoyed by her.
I witness her suppressing herself and trying hard to fit in because of fear of people's reactions. I have been advising her, "Move to the US. You won't feel weird or old."
India was ranked 71st out of 96 countries in the Global AgeWatch Index 2015 compiled by HelpAge International network of charities in partnership with University of Southampton in Britain.