Don't shame the working mother

"Would you leave your bag or jewellery with the house help? If not, how can you leave your baby with a stranger?" asked an acquaintance. Suddenly, I felt less of a mom, a little less than all those mothers who stay at home and raise safe babies. But, would you dare call Chanda Kochhar, Sarla Thakral, Mary Kom, Vanitha Narayanan or even Indira Gandhi, bad mothers?

I sincerely hope not.

Who is a better mom, the one who stays at home or the one who goes out to work by choice or to make ends meet? The mom versus mom situation where one sniggers at another, cold shoulders the other with an air of superiority like their parenting skills are no match to their fellow mothers is not only unfortunate, but also brings us to the larger question of women emancipation. And honestly, before we start to ask the men to accept the empowerment, it is the women who need to broaden their horizons, to allow other women to live with choice and dignity.

A few days ago, I saw a video that sent shivers down my spine - it froze me and words are not enough to express the anguish and the pain I felt. It was the video of a 10-month-old baby who was hauled, hurled, repeatedly slapped by a caretaker at a day care. My heart wrenched, tears welling up I hurriedly called home, asking my son how he was doing. I choked. Deep within, I was relieved that he was just fine. And, while I repeatedly checked on the application that live-streamed his activities on my phone, my thoughts hopelessly wandered to the day care where the Sinhas had left their daughter thinking their baby was safe. But, she wasn't.

And, somewhere between the anger and the pain, I felt terribly helpless. Helpless for all working mothers who muster the courage to step out for themselves and for the welfare of their families, but are ridiculed repeatedly for being absentee mothers.

Is there an absentee mother? Can there be one?

And, while I thought about the baby who was assaulted at the baby care, my thoughts were with the mother who would sooner or later suffer the guilt for being a "lesser mother", for allowing a baby to be in a day care, for not being a "good mother", and somewhere in her pain, she would subconsciously accept and carry the burden of the unfortunate incident. For no fault of hers.

We hail Anandi Bai Gopalrao Joshi who lost her child, stepped out and became the first Indian woman physician on western soil. All for the love of the baby she lost due to lack of medical vigilance. Then why the hypocricy? If women don't work consistently, don't leave the pieces of their hearts home to earn their bread and butter, how would the country produce the Kiran Bedis and the Arundhati Bhattacharyas of the world? Who knows we would lose a prolific Anita Desai in the making? Who knows, a Pulitzer prize would be lost by a Jhumpa Lahiri in the making?

And, then the question. Is the accomplishment, the power, the emancipation, the empowerment of these women and other ordinary lesser mortals worth it?

Most definitely, it is. And, if the society needs these women, then our women need the society to pitch in and help carry their responsibilities too. And, one thing that is non-negotiable is their children.

If homes are unsafe because a nanny decides to assault a toddler and if day cares can't be trusted and parents and spouses don't pitch in, what exactly should a woman do?

Just maybe, if each one of us takes responsibility, we could together sail through this constant fear of the safety of our children.

1. Joint families: It takes a neighbourhood to raise a child and rightly so. Wouldn't it be nice if the baby can be cared for by those who are at home, when parents are away at work? After all, the baby belongs to them as well.

2. Corporate social responsibility: If corporates allow creches and ensure the safety of staff's kids, not only will it raise the productivity of the mothers (mostly them, because bearing the child and raising the child is still seen as a woman's core responsibility) at work, but will also kill the attrition rate among women employees.

3. Creche rules: We must have government registered creches. These must adhere to international standards of child safety. Video recording and live streaming must be made mandatory in all creches.

4. Mandatory maternity paid leave for six months and optional unpaid leave for the next six months. Absolve the woman of all sins including leaving behind an infant.

5. Stringent child-abuse laws: If punishment can deter crimes against children, it must be implemented and speedy justice must be guaranteed. Giving bail to a creche owner where the crime occurred is gross injustice to the baby who was abused there. One cannot absolve them of their responsibilities. The owner is as liable for punishment as the person assaulting the child.

The perfect antidote to a working mother's challenges is the study that says working mothers have successful daughters and caring sons. To allay our guilt for leaving our kids behind in day cares and at homes with nannies, we often find solace in every psychological report or study that elaborates the benefits of raising independent children.