How to argue with a good Hindu

A conversation between "Quixotic-Q" and "Abstemious-A". This is how it followed:

Q: Why don't you add an extra letter to your name? Make it Suchiitra or Suchitraa. That will add up to a number nine and you may go to heaven. Not literally, of course (laughs), but materially and spiritually.

A: Because I don't believe in all this.

Q: You don't have to believe my dear.

A. Look at Kavita - she became Kaveataaaa and Kiran became Kirrrooon on the recommendation of their numerologist/astrologer/palmist/ psychic/ tarot card reader and it has really helped them. You don't have to believe it - you just have to do it. I'm telling you it works. You will be rich beyond your imagination. See, Suchitra adds up to a number eight, which is Shani or Saturn. Your birth number is nine - incompatible with eight or Jupiter. So currently there are bound to be obstacles in your way of acquiring wealth and riches.

A: I'm not sure rich is what I want.

Q: Then what do you want?

A: I want to be happy.

Q: But the only path to happiness is through wealth. Don't you see? Wealth creates mental and spiritual health. Everything else be damned.

A: No I don't. See… because… not to pooh pooh what your saying or anything, but the two times I tried it, the effects were disastrous. The first time I added a K and made my name Suchitra. K for my music album Zindagi, it was a mega, thunderous, resounding flop. The biggest and only flop of my musical career. I still haven't recovered from it. Inspite of the title track being composed by the word renowned composer Lord Andrew Llyod Webber.

Q: Maybe that was the problem. It wasn't Indian enough and therefore spiritually lacking. You don't need to go international, but tap into your own essence, which is very Indian.

A: Hmm… the second time I changed my name, I added a Kapur to my passport. My personal life went up in flames within three months of that and I relocated from England to India. It was a really bad time.

Q: No, no, that must have had something to do with the position of the planets at that time. You were actually ahead of your time. And besides the time to go international is now! Haven't you heard how everybody is talking these days. Film directors are wanting to go international, corporates are going spiritual, and all the Indians are getting really rich. I'm telling you it's a good time NOW. Even yoga has got an international day for god's sake - what better time to be Indian? Add an extra I to your name… if you don't want to do that, at least paint the entrance to your house green or blue. It will attract good fortune.

A: I don't much care for the colour green. And the entrance is already blue.

Q: Then paint the south west corner red and orange.

A: The south west corner is already red and orange. I painted it myself a few months ago. How does that help?

Q: If the south west corner is red and orange you will attract love and get a boyfriend. Don't tell me you haven't acquired a boyfriend? He should have come into your life within six weeks of painting your south west corner red and orange.

A: I painted it red and orange because I had an idea in place that those colours matched.

Q: No, I am sure you subconsciously did it to attract a boyfriend… Don't tell me it's not true. In that case, is it true that you are…you are…Why are you hiding things from me? I thought I was your friend!

A: Of course you are my friend. But do you think there is no other "kaam dhanda" in life other than attaching oneself to a man? I have better things to do with my time.

Q: Okay don't get uptight. Relax. Do a havan. I know this pujari who is a kind of ghost buster. He removes all evil forces from your environment. It's possible that your progress is being hampered by some lurking spirits who have an agenda different from yours. You need to eliminate them.

A: Huh?

Q: Okay okay… I know you don't believe in all this but I'm only trying to help. This ghost buster by the way will also remove the dark circles around your eyes, which are nothing but dark energy in your life.

A: My dark circles are inherited. My mother has them, and I quite like them actually. Makes me feel intense and intelligent.

Q: That means a dark energy surrounds your mother too.

A: My grandmother had them too. It's a family characteristic… I have no problems with it.

Q: You may not have a problem with it but it's obvious that it's a negative energy surrounding your life. I suggest you get a fish tank. That's very good Feng Shui/Vastu.Atleast try it…

A: But I feel depressed when the fish die. I can't deal with all that.

Q: Okay forget that. But do one thing. Please promise me you wont say no. I recommend to you the Kerala ayurvedic massage. It's administered very close to your house too. I promise you it will open your third eye and your life will change. I'm going to give my friend a call just now and fix an appointment for you.

A: But I don't want my life to change… I'm quite all right as I am.

Q: Oh just do it for a friend! You do consider me your friend, don't you? AND don't forget to give me your feedback. And please don't forget to blog about it. I want my name to come up everytime anyone types in "Indian massage" on the internet. You see I'm flying off to America next week to try and get a patent on it.

A: Huh?

Q: It's called the "Third Eye-opening Ayurvedic Massage. Direct from India" I have a really good feeling about this… after all if they can patent haldi/turmeric and forms of yoga… at last this is more innovative…

A: Are you serious? But this massage is a centuries-old tradition…

Q: Of course I am serious. And just to be sure nothing hampers my progress, I am adding the @ sign to my patent "Third eye opening Ayurvedic Massage-direct from @ India" Cool na?

A: But why the @?

Q: Arrey, haven't you heard about the Chinese baby they named @? He made headlines around the world for weeks some years ago... You may say what's in a name... because your abstemious… temperate and self denying… but I believe a name is everything. EVERYTHING! Do you understand? And I want to grab the bull by its horns. So I'm adding the @. After all, we Indians are a more spiritual nation than the Chinese… so why should they be the ones getting rich...

A: Oh! I see... All right... Whatever!

Q: And trust me... just add another I to your name... Look at all those fellas... Nigam became Niiigaaaam and that Shobha became Shoobbhhaaaa... and see how their fortunes changed. I'm telling you it's not superstition. It's science! Pure and Simple. The science of the divine cosmos! Just a matter of time before we Indians prove it, and it moves from the realm of metaphysics to physics!

A: Yeah... sure thing, Quixotic...!