6 things you should never say to your partner
With tensions running high in the festive build-up, little niggles can escalate into major rows. But some things should be left unsaid, warns a UK marital therapist and author. So how do you criticise in a constructive way that's true to your feelings but won't poison your relationship?
And what should you never say in the heat of the moment?
1. It's over
You're arguing about something important he promised to tackle but hasn't and one thing leads to another. You think, "If we can't solve this one little dispute, what hope is there for this relationship?" so you tell him, "That's it!" and threaten to call in the divorce lawyers.
Why it's so damaging
Although hitting the eject button gets his attention, it is like negotiating with a gun to his head. He will say and do anything to restore peace but his heart isn't in it and later he will back-pedal. Worse still, it makes it harder to resolve everyday disputes.
Turn it around
Understand why you threaten to quit when you don't really mean it. In most cases, it is because your parents argued like cat and dog or, at the other extreme, never argued at all. Tolerate the upset without making personal remarks.
2. You're stupid
The insults my counselling clients report are endless: "You're ugly/fat/a bad parent..." Sometimes, it is hard to believe their claims to still love each other.
Why it's so damaging
You want to hurt him and, because you know each other so well, you can really stick the knife in and twist it. Not only do these remarks ruin your partner's self-esteem but, unlike attacks on specific behaviour, they go to the core of who your partner is.
Turn it around
If you're overly critical of your partner, you probably have high standards and are even harder on yourself. Take a step back and think about where this critical inner voice comes from. Did you never feel good enough when you were a child? Do you have to be perfect to feel ok? If you can start to be kinder to yourself, you will find it easier to be more tolerant of other people's failings.
3. I wish I was single
Your partner is always on at you about something, so it seems that you never have a moment's peace and you're wondering why you ever agreed to get married.
Why it's so damaging
This goes to the very foundations of your relationship and puts everything into question. Worse still, these remarks are said in anger, which some believe is when the truth comes out, making them doubly difficult to take back afterwards.
Turn it around
Everybody wonders what their life might have been like if they'd chosen another path. You let this bombshell slip out because you were on the back foot and felt unfairly criticised. It might feel counterintuitive but the strongest response is to consider the complaint that triggered your retaliation and discuss issues calmly.
4. You're just like your dad
… Or your mother - or even: "You're turning me into my mother!"
Why it's so damaging
We like to think that we're individuals in our own right rather than copies of our nearest and dearest. However, you've probably hit on the truth, because the older we become, the more likely we are to turn into our parents - and that can make us feel very uncomfortable.
Turn it around
If you have something difficult to say, try injecting some humour. It undermines any potential insult, defuses tension and mocks the accuser. It's especially important if you're saying he's making you behave like a member of your family. So make light of the problem.
5. I fancy someone else
There's someone you've met at work, at the gym or the school gates and you've chatted and exchanged a few pleasantries; now you've begun to look forward to seeing them.
Why it's so damaging
Although it's fine to find other people beyond your partner attractive, it's dangerous to make him jealous and focus his attention on one rival.
Turn it around
Instead of constantly switching yourself off, allow the desire to simmer during the day so when you and your partner are back together again there's something you can build on. However, if he asks a direct question about a particular colleague or friend, it's important to answer truthfully.
6. Nothing at all
Some couples are so keen to avoid an argument that they bite their tongue, tell themselves it doesn't matter and change the subject.
Why it's so damaging
You can't just switch off unwelcome feelings. In fact, not arguing is one of the main reasons why couples reach the point of "I love you but I'm not in love with you".
Turn it around
If you can deal with the small niggles, they won't build up to a crunch. Even better, you'll be honing your communication skills. Ultimately, what matters is not the obstacle but how you deal with it.
(Courtesy of DailyMail.)