The honest Donald Trump victory speech

Thank you. Thank you very much, everyone. Sorry to keep you waiting. Complicated business, complicated. Thank you very much.

I've just received a call from secretary Clinton. She congratulated us. It’s about us. On our victory, and I congratulated her and her family on a very, very hard-fought campaign. NA NA NANA POO POO HILLARY!

I mean she fought very hard (for a chick). Hillary has worked very long and very hard over a long period (hehe I said period!) of time, and we owe her a major debt of gratitude for her service to our country (and creating ISIS amirite).

I mean that very sincerely (LOLJK). Now it is time for America to bind the wounds of division, have to get together, to all Republicans and Democrats and independents across this nation I say it is time for us to come together as one united people (except you, you Hispanics, radical Islamists, women, blacks, and miscellaneous immigrants, you can't sit with us).

It is time (for the apocalypse). I pledge to every citizen of our land that (except you, you Hispanics, radical Islamists, women, blacks, and miscellaneous immigrants, you can't sit with us) I will be president for all of Americans (but like... mostly white people), and this is so important to me (just like locker room banter).

For those who have chosen not to support me  in the past (f*ckers), of which there were a few people, I'm reaching out to you for your guidance and your help so that we can work together and unify our great country deport you. As I've said from the beginning, ours was not a campaign but rather an incredible and great movement, made up of millions of hard-working men and women who love their country and want a better, brighter future for themselves and for their family. an elaborate joke hehe.

It is a movement comprised of Americans from all races, religions, backgrounds and beliefs (except you, you Hispanics, radical Islamists, women, blacks, and miscellaneous immigrants, you can't sit with us), who want and expect our government to serve the people, and serve the people it will.

Working together we will begin the urgent task of rebuilding our nation the wall and renewing the American dream (that the Ku Klux Klan dreamt up during their sweet slumber of irrelevance).

I've spent my entire life in business (not paying taxes, reality tv, giving sermons in locker rooms), looking at the untapped potential in projects (such as pussy grabbing) and in people all over the world (not you, Hindu Mahasabha, no one cares about you, stop feeding my posters cake, it's creepy af).

That is now what I want to do for our country (you knew and you voted for me anyway, suckahz!). Tremendous potential. I've gotten to know our country so well (I watched like an episode of Jersey Shore once). Tremendous potential. It is going to be a beautiful thing (like my daughter Ivanka whom i would totally date if she wasn't my daughter).

Every single American will have the opportunity to realise his or her fullest potential (except you, you Hispanics, radical Islamists, women, blacks, and miscellaneous immigrants, you can't sit with us). The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer (I'm looking at you, white males with an unnecessary sense of entitlement. )

We are going to fix our inner cities and rebuild our highways, bridges, tunnels, airports, schools, hospitals (but mostly just the wall). We're going to rebuild our infrastructure (but mostly just the wall), which will become, by the way, second to none, and we will put millions of our people to work as we rebuild it (mostly cheap labour that we will toss over it immediately after).

We will also finally take care of our great veterans (like that Veteran Khan dude) who have been so loyal, and I've gotten to know so many over this 18-month journey (like that Veteran Khan dude). The time I've spent with them during this campaign has been among my their greatest honours.

Our veterans are incredible people (unlike Hillary nananana poo poo!). We will embark upon a project of national growth and renewal (thanks for that line, Narendra). I will harness the creative talents of our people and we will call upon the best and brightest to leverage their tremendous talent for the benefit of all (made in America, guys!).

It is going to happen. We have a great economic plan (thanks again, Narendra). We will double our growth and have the strongest economy anywhere in the world (and again Narendra). At the same time we will get along with all other nations, willing to get along with us (*blows kiss to bff Putin*).

We will be (f*cked). We will have great (possibly non-consensual) relationships. We expect to have great, great relationships (*blows kiss to bff Brexit*). No dream is too big, no challenge is too great. Nothing we want for our future is beyond our reach (except yours Hillary nananana poo poo!).

America will no longer settle for anything less than the best (except while voting for its President). We must reclaim our country's destiny (white supremacy) and dream big and bold and daring (like my dad did in order for me to be a big bratty success story).

We have to do that. We're going to dream have nightmares of things for our country, and beautiful things and successful things once again (like racism and bigotry and patriarchy and communalism and hatred and gun laws).

I want to tell the world community that while we will always put America's interests first, we will deal fairly with everyone, with everyone ("fair"ly, geddit?).

All people and all other nations. We will seek common ground, not hostility, partnership, not conflict. 

And now I would like to take this moment to thank some of the people who really helped me with this, what they are calling tonight a very, very historic victory.

First I want to thank my parents, who I know are looking down on me right now. Great people. I've learned so much from them. They were wonderful in every regard. I are truly great parents. I also want to thank my sisters, Marianne and Elizabeth who are here with us tonight. Where are they? They're here someplace. They're very shy actually.

And my brother Robert, my great friend. Where is Robert? Where is Robert?

My brother Robert, and they should be on this stage but that's okay. They're great.

And also my late brother Fred, great guy. Fantastic guy. Fantastic family. I was very lucky.

Great brothers, sisters, great, unbelievable parents. To Melania and Don and Ivanka and Eric and Tiffany and Barron, I love you and I thank you, and especially for putting up with all of those hours. This was tough.

This was tough. This political stuff is nasty and it is tough. So I want to thank my family very much. Really fantastic. Thank you all. Thank you all. Lara, unbelievable job. Unbelievable. Vanessa, thank you. Thank you very much. What a great group.

You've all given me such incredible support, and I will tell you that we have a large group of people. You know, they kept saying we have a small staff. Not so small. Look at all of the people that we have. Look at all of these people.

And Kellyanne and Chris and Rudy and Steve and David. We have got tremendously talented people up here, and I want to tell you it's been very, very special.

I want to give a very special thanks to our former mayor, Rudy Giuliani. He's unbelievable. Unbelievable. He traveled with us and he went through meetings, and Rudy never changes. Where is Rudy. Where is he?

[Chanting "Rudy"]

Gov. Chris Christie, folks, was unbelievable. Thank you, Chris. The first man, first senator, first major, major politician — let me tell you, he is highly respected in Washington because he is as smart as you get, senator Jeff sessions. Where is Jeff? A great man. Another great man, very tough competitor. He was not easy. He was not easy. Who is that? Is that the mayor that showed up? Is that Rudy?

Up here. Really a friend to me, but I'll tell you, I got to know him as a competitor because he was one of the folks that was negotiating to go against those Democrats, Dr. Ben Carson. Where's been? Where is Ben? By the way, Mike Huckabee is here someplace, and he is fantastic. Mike and his familiar bring Sarah, thank you very much. Gen. Mike Flynn. Where is Mike? And Gen. Kellogg. We have over 200 generals and admirals that have endorsed our campaign and there are special people. We have 22 congressional medal of honor people. A very special person who, believe me, I read reports that I wasn't getting along with him. I never had a bad second with him. He's an unbelievable star. He is -- that's right, how did you possibly guess? Let me tell you about Reince. I've said Reince. I know it. I know it. Look at all of those people over there. I know it, Reince is a superstar. I said, they can't call you a superstar, Reince, unless we win it. Like secretariat. He would not have that bust at the track at Belmont.

Reince is really a star and he is the hardest working guy and in a certain way I did this. Reince, come up here. Get over here, Reince.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. It's about time you did this right. My god. Nah, come here. Say something.

[Reince Priebus: Ladies and gentlemen, the next president of the united States, Donald Trump! Thank you. It's been an honor. God bless. Thank God.]

Amazing guy. Our partnership with the RNC was so important to the success and what we've done, so I also have to say, I've gotten to know some incredible people.

The Secret Service people. They're tough and they're smart and they're sharp and I don't want to mess around with them, I can tell ya. And when I want to go and wave to a big group of people and they rip me down and put me back down in the seat, but they are fantastic people so I want to thank the Secret Service.

And law enforcement in New York City, they're here tonight. These are spectacular people, sometimes under appreciated unfortunately, we we appreciate them. So it's been what they call an historic event, but to be really historic, we have to do a great job and I promise you that I will not let you down. We will do a great job. We will do a great job. I look very much forward to being your president and hopefully at the end of two years or three years or four years or maybe even eight years you will say so many of you worked so hard for us, with you you will say that — you will say that that was something that you were — really were very proud to do and I can — thank you very much. 

*whips out hand mirror* *adjusts toupee* THANK YOU DONALD YOU INCREDIBLE LIGHT SABER OF A SEXUAL PREDATOR AND ALL ROUND SUPERIOR NARCISSISTIC META HUMAN! IT WAS ALL YOU! 

And I can only say that while the campaign is over, our work on this movement is now the shitshow is only really just beginning. 

We're going to get to work immediately for the American people and we're going to be doing a job that hopefully you will be so proud of your President (who isn't a nasty woman but an incredible light saber of a sexual predator and all round superior narcissistic meta human!). You will be so proud. Again, it's my honour.

It's an amazing evening. It's been an amazing two-year period (of you realising that I'm a sexually entitled ass and voting for me anyway) and I love this country. Thank you. (Brb, gotta go play with my shiny new nuke toys.)

Also read: Hillary Clinton not Donald Trump deserved to be 45th US President

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