7 people you most definitely want to avoid at Indian weddings

Everyone’s welcome at Indian weddings. Everyone. Right from our milkman’s kid to that aunty of our uncle through second marriage to our maasi. Though we love inviting all and sundry to our weddings, we wish there are a few who choose not to attend. Voluntarily... That’s just wishful thinking, but it prompted us to make a list of seven crazy people a bride really doesn’t want to see at her wedding. Fingers crossed!

1. The aunty whose son lives in New York/Illinois/Texas

This one’s a classic - she has X-ray vision that can see through sequins and multiple embroideries into a girl’s soul (or at least she thinks so). She zones in on eligible girls at weddings and imagines them frollicking with her son who is apparently still only dedicating his life to Indian “sanskari” women despite being in the US for a good ten years. She casually approaches your BFFs and random cousins and leaves a trail of interrogation, and also makes sure you know that her son is the US of A.

2. The uncle who uses the word “swag” liberally

Nothing like a wedding to chance upon this unusual species - the uncle who thinks he is Instagram-worthy. He is constantly trying to fit in with the 16-year-olds and using words like “swag” or “wtf” liberally. He tells you that Bey is hot and Liam Hemsworth is not worth it. He wears Ed Hardy tees at sangeets and tries to chat up all the young girls in cholis.

3. The cousin who wears teal Sabyasachi and whispers “same pinch”

Competition? That’s what this really is about. For your baby cousin, it’s all about upstaging the bride and do it rather subtly. She follows you like a little puppy and gathers that she loves exactly what you like. Have a label you love? Your cousin, apparently, has been loving it forever. Have a latkan you fancy? She wants a pair so she can add it to her own.

4. The boss who is mentally calculating the number of hours you wasted at your pheras

He’s right there staring at you. Having his glass of wine but mentally noting your leave dates. He looks straight at you and smiles - an all-knowing smile that tells you that he knows all your plans and he CAN try to throw a spanner in the works if he can.

5. The friend who is planning her imaginary wedding at yours

She’s not Instagramming your wedding decor. She’s photographing it. You see, she doesn’t want her world to see inspiration - she would rather pin them in a secret board and rehash them at her own wedding. Now that’s devious.

Nay, smart even. And she might just be a tad sly about it too - reverse psychology-ing you with statements like, “You really want baby breaths? Poof! Try roses, they are classic,” and you’ll soon see baby breaths promptly added to her pins.

6. The friend of a friend of a friend who tells that same funny story again

She/he might just be an acquaintance, but that person will make it his/her personal mission to tell everyone the story that got you both together in one platform, that ONE TIME. Let’s just say that it’s a rather contrived way to convince everyone that you are chaddi-buddies. And if he/she starts off on that story again - people around will hurl.

7. The friend-zoned boy who is passive/aggressive at regular intervals

He will smile at you like your BFF but he knows he didn’t stand a chance. But as he settles into the idea that from now on he can only be friends, he might just turn vengeful or spiteful at intervals. He will say things like “Oh, isn’t he a bit too short?” or “Ah, journalism - can this profession mint money at all?”. Subtle as hell, yeah!