Some like sex with pain and bondage. Why BDSM needs to be understood

"It was really hard at first. Understanding my own fetishes. Somehow I seemed to only enjoy sex when I was tied, or being beaten... When there was a certain degree of submissiveness involved. I felt a tremendous sense of fulfillment, as if I had been liberated from sexual ennui. In fact, many of my closest friends wouldn't get it when I confessed that I was hugely turned on by rape scenes in movies or when the heroine was being slapped hard or tied to a pillar. The sight of blood made me wet. They thought I was a pervert. My first boyfriend in law school couldn't handle my kinks, bitched about me, told my friends I was a lesbian. Most people feel that BDSM must involve extreme pain. Now, while that is surely a high for me, it's also about the ecstasy in being controlled mentally, the chase. To surrender to my sexual master, is like reading an erotic novel. You could climax in seconds at times," claims 28-year-old Naina Sharma (name changed on request), a corporate lawyer from Mumbai who nurtures a pervasive BDSM tendency, that she's not openly come out with as yet.

Active on countless virtual communities, such as the Indian BDSM Community on Facebook, among others, Naina says, "Contrary to popular perception in India, male submissives who are in search of mistresses and who love being dominated also exist, but rarely emerge out of the woodwork, thanks to the stereotypical codes of masculinity that society engenders to preserve its own gender biases. They are scared of being blackmailed in case they are looking for marriage, and live in fear mostly, never opening their mouths. No wonder most Indian men prefer the missionary position while having sex. Playing safe. The women also keeping numb in bed. I remember switching roles once during a session with a guy I met on a chat room, making him lick all my high-heeled shoes, till his lips bled. Before massaging my feet with his member. I even whipped his buttocks. Everytime he winced, I'd scream in pleasure. It's like a drug. This is who I am inside out. Why should I live my life in denial of my sexual orientation?"

While India continues to debate on the levels of violence being endorsed in the screen adaptation of the erotic bestseller Fifty Shades of Grey that has been released overseas - here in a nation that is known to guard its sexual sacredness with a vengeance, mostly in complete denial of its richly elaborate and open erotic cultural past - a group of men and women are following the path of their deepest, darkest desires - in pursuit of a greater search for identity and acceptance in its sexual vocabulary, above all else.

India's underground BDSM practitioners nurse the hope that someday in a country of sexual stereotyping, where women are easily objectified and men play a part predefined largely by centuries of patriarchal practices; where consent in sex and in marriages is treated like a normative privilege, mostly enjoyed by the dominant partner, Bondage-Discipline-Sadism-Masochism (BDSM) be understood in its completeness. To be considered an alternate sexuality, and not just another synonym for sexually perverse and violent behaviour.

"There are so many permutations and combinations within BDSM. And yes, some people enjoy the sensation of pain during what we refer to as "impact play". Personally, I find it puts me in a trance. Like listening to Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan in the background, while being whipped. But 99 per cent of BDSM involves the mind. There are couples in online relationships where there is no physical contact. And that's the first thing one learns too - the power of consent - its boundaries. Certain safe words are used for every session. In fact, those outside the community have much to learn from us about consent - as opposed to the popular myth that we are a violent bunch of people, here consent is actively sought and given. I realised that consent is meaningful when it is not assumed, but given proactively and enthusiastically. Also, that the power of consent lies in our ability to withdraw it. There is a high level of articulation, and lines of communication are more well-defined than in other relationships.

As a feminist and after having worked on gender-based violence for about 30 years, I have myself often felt that women find it hard to negotiate consent with their partners. Often men say, oh she's saying no, but actually meaning yes. This confusion between yes and no is used against us women when we are sexually harassed or violated. In BDSM, I have discovered there is space and clarity in being able to say yes and no. Normally, women can't say yes as they are then labeled as easily available, branded "sluts", unlike BDSM where there is space to express our sexuality. The word slut is not a slur. Say in instances of marital rape, where consent is assumed, here the principle of consent is an actualisation - a meaningful process, where even the one surrendering does so to his/her master almost as an act of devotion. Unlike popular perception power lies with the submissive slave too. Sexuality after all is a raw, primal fluid space…", rationalises 51-year old, Jaya Sharma, a proponent of the Kinky Collective, a collective of BDSM followers in India that works to spread awareness about the practice in India.

A self-professed late bloomer, Sharma, at 35, heard a young woman articulate the rights of the LGBT community and fell in "lust" with her. "I figured I was a bisexual. I heard about BDSM, and through a friend joined an online community, obviously in a big hurry to experience the submissive rush, making new friends… this space suddenly feeling safe… liberating almost. I soon began asking friends for references within the community and was asked to slow down.  But after I met the first dominant I could trust, within 12 days, I travelled to Rishikesh for a session. It is about trust and faith," recalls Sharma, adding, "My dom in that session was a sadist and more experienced. In my journey of pain, I travelled to a kind of space that was meditative and hypnotic. In the community, we call it the "sub space". It is still and calm. I didn't want him there then. In my state of collapse, I wanted to be alone. "After joining the community online, Sharma mentions how she'd gone into her own angan and taken a photo of herself next to an iron grill wrapped by a creeper. It was her profile photo on the BDSM site for a long while. She says she felt like that vine - dependent. The tenderness of the grapevine interspersed with the sharpness of the metal railings reflecting a delicious tumultuousness - an inner churning of sorts. Her erotic reality, in other words.

In an earlier magazine interaction, Sharma reminisced on some of her sessions that she claimed as being rather ritualistic, some pushing her personal boundaries in a way that empowered her. One dom wanted her to send pictures daily. Sharma was apprehensive, but relented. "That's how a dom understands you, releases you, empowers you." Not surprising then that while it is commonly perceived that EL James' Fifty Shades of Grey broke the silence on BDSM, Sharma and some other members of Kinky Collective had torn the book at a fundraiser for a recent photo exhibition Bound to be Free. A set of explicit photographs taken of and by members of the collective, selected and curated by reputed artists like Jose Abbas and Chitra Ganesh, among others, these pictorial documentations included visuals of men and women tied-up, gagged, handcuffed, caged, being poured hot wax on or spanked -that were staged for the camera but remain an everyday truth for this community. In fact, there was one that stood out. Fifty Shades of Grey the book being pulled apart, its pages strewn about among shredded roses - symbolic as if of their collective disapproval of James.

"James derived Christian's character as perverted with roots hinting at an abusive relationship during his childhood. This naturally validates the theory that BDSM is deviant sexual behaviour", she states with conviction. However, the portrayal of BDSM in mainstream media continues to be misleadingly negative - commonly misconstrued as cultish and extreme, a perversion stemming from twisted psychology. Despite scientific studies that have proven time and again that BDSM practitioners possess better mental health than the so-called "vanilla" people.

Presently, a small number - 20 or so in the Kinky Collective across cities like Chennai, Delhi, Mumbai and Kolkata, Sharma claims the larger BDSM community in India is huge, nearly 30,000 people who meet online as well as in safe forums and spaces. "The collective is more about strengthening the BDSM community and generally raising awareness about kink," clarifies Sharma.

At safety workshops held in the privacy of homes, Collective members openly discuss issues and conduct skill sessions-training in wax play, rope tying and whipping. There are rules. Never whip the stomach. Certain activities too are off limits, such as pedophilia.

Kinky sex as the Kamasutra abundantly describes is certainly not new in India, and yet there remains this veil of silence. Something Sharma too is aware of. Open dialogue has begun, slowly, but surely… "We've started reaching out to mental health professionals. Why should we need to make up stories say when we visit a counselor/psychoanalyst? This isn't perversion." Until there is openness, transparent medical advice on the safety of edgier BDSM practices: a critical concern for many will probably remain a murky area.

Is an uptight India ready for a risqué revolution where sexuality is owned and not pre-conditioned? Where men and women can openly purchase sex toys from Mumbai's Fort or Delhi's Palika Bazaar, sans fearing police raids or being jailed for espousing obscene behaviour? Or being exposed as criminals? Where pornography and erotic literature is healthy. Where parents and educators can talk to their children and students about sex, no holds barred? Where an online toon like Savitha Bhabhi is not prudishly banned. Where our sanskriti and sex life aren't commonly mixed up by politicians, to win an argument. Where like the LGBT community, those practicing BDSM can own their own voice. Are given an equal platform.

Where consent comes with a conscience.