Celeb or mom, judging another woman may destroy your own life

Recently, an ex-boyfriend of a successful actress declared in an interview that she used black magic and violence to assault him. The post was put on social media. Surprisingly, many men supported her while few women called her a "psycho".

A close friend Soumya Shankar, who is a working mom, went for a school reunion and met old girl friends there. Most of them were homemakers; only one was working but didn't have any children.

While the mothers judged the working woman, my friend judged them all, saying, "How can these women just sit at home and look after their husbands and cater to their families all day? Don't they want to do something more with their life?"

And what about the woman who was truly successful at her work? She said, "Haan, but then she's sacrificed having children. She'll never know the pleasure of being a mom."

We are constantly bombarded with images of perfect women in magazines, the film industry, and various different sectors. These women have successfully managed their careers and their private lives perfectly while looking picture-perfect.

The media has planted the image of what a perfect woman should be in most of our minds. This remains in our subconscious so much so that when we meet women, our immediate reaction is to judge them according to the image.

How do we judge women?

While we don't compare normal, ordinary women to those in the glamour industry, women most often gossip about one another. Some of the things they might say: She's become so fat. She does nothing with her life even after studying so much. Obviously, she slept her way to that position. Of course her husband would leave her; who would stay with someone who doesn't want to give time to her husband? She works so hard that her children will suffer and become brats.

Jyotsna Kirloskar, a homemaker, says, "Sometimes I participate in judging women to fit in to a group. If I don't, I'll be a loner because everyone talks about each other."

We are known to say something about women deliberately and sometimes involuntarily. It could also be that there is truly nothing else to talk about. At times, it's just a reaction to someone commenting about us.

Where did it come from?

We have seen our mothers, grandmothers and aunts sit around and gossip about family members and other women. On some occasions, we do it to build our own self-esteem; to tell ourselves we are good enough.

At other times, we compare ourselves with other women to see where we stand. And we subconsciously judge them based on an invisible checklist of what we have been able to accomplish.

A loving family, a healthy body, ideal children, a loyal husband, a fat bank balance, powerful designations, et al. If, in our head, we have achieved what we think are standards that should define a woman, we judge other women for not matching up to them.

What is the harm anyway?

Gitali Chatterji, senior psychologist at Inner Space Counselling believes that when you are judging somebody you get a temporary sense of happiness by comparing yourself. "It's actually survival of the fittest. Everyone else is competition, everyone wants to be number one. Hence they judge to put the other person down and themselves higher in this evolutionary perspective. Self-reflection is rare. If you reflect and are absolutely honest you can take a step back and analyse is there a personal need that is unmet? And then you can develop that rather than judge."

Most judgements of others are ego strategies to avoid uncomfortable feelings. (www.tinybuddha.com)  

Constantly judging an individual could lead to a personality disorder, which could in turn lead to emotional distress, anti-social behaviour or anxiety among other serious problems.

Your behaviour, attitude and words will teach younger adults and children to perpetuate stereotypes and negativity.

It could also lead to a false sense of pride, arrogance and inflated ego that could crumble later in life, landing you in extreme depression. When we judge, we also compare and compete. This fills us with expectations about our lives, which when not actualised could lead to greater disappointment.

Best-selling author Chuck Palahniuk says, "We've spent so much time judging what other people created that we've created very, very little on our own."

What can we do about it?

1.  Stop feeling envious or resentful: Understand where it is coming from. Is it loneliness, fear anger or insecurity? If you are a shy person, you might look at a woman and say, "She's so loud!"

Or if you see a person in a happy marriage and you are suffering a bad one, you might think: "I'm sure he's cheating on her." Acknowledge what they have and what you don't and abstain from character assessment. Say to yourself, I refuse to comment. I let go of this thought.

2.  Keep yourself occupied: Most times an idle mind is a devil's workshop. When you are busy trying to learn something new, reading, or have a goal in mind you will stop spending so much energy in judging people and focus on yourself.

3.  Don't gossip: Many women friends meet to gossip and comment on others. Try to stay away from these connections since you get sucked in to fit in or speaking ill as well. Or you can try to change the topic to something everyone enjoys and discuss new ideas. Find friends who inspire, motivate, listen, discuss and move you. Not just those who chatter away in their free time.

4.  Realise they are not your own thoughts: Access Consciousness states that 99 per cent of the time our thoughts are not ours and they belong to something in the universe, which we can neutralise and return.

Like energy, we remove these thoughts, feelings and send them back to where they came from without settling them into our subconscious and become free of judgement. "Consciousness and Oneness includes everything and judges nothing. It's the ability to be present in your life in every moment without judgement of you or anyone else." (www.accessconsciousness.com)

As Gitali rightly concludes, "Every person's path of self-discovery is different. There is a need that is not fulfilled within. So even when you do compare and judge, find the thing that's lacking in you and be inspired rather than put down that person."