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Shame and guilt of being a thin woman in India: Thought I was ugly

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Paromita Bardoloi
Paromita BardoloiJan 08, 2016 | 18:15

Shame and guilt of being a thin woman in India: Thought I was ugly

Imagine walking through the security check at the metro station and each time the lady police officer who body checks you, giggles and says, "Aap itne patle kyun ho?" ("Why are you so thin?") and the women behind you stares right at your body. This is my story.

Yes, I am thin. I am not sick. I eat well but I am thin. And that is the apology I have lived with for the longest time of my life.

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It it true that fat shaming is common. A lot has been talked about it. But in this whole talk of body image, we tend to forget the miniscule population of people who don’t gain weight. And in India, where anyone can question you on anything - be it your marital status, or your weight, the results for the person going through it, can be disastrous.

It began right from childhood. No, not from my family. My first distinct memory of being labeled as thin was in my nursery class. I still remember that day. That moment! There was a girl, who used to come to pick us from school.

As I was being handed over to her, my teacher said that I was thin and needed to be fed more. For a four-year-old, who truly believed that teachers were always right, it broke my heart. I felt ashamed. I felt less worthy.

That was the beginning of this saga. I have two elder sisters, who were both thin then. It was the early '90s. No matter where our parents took us, people would comment on our body weight, or rather, the lack of it.

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The one thing that I remember most from my childhood is some uncle or aunty asking me with a mocking smile, "Doesn’t your mother feed you?" Now, that I look back, I see that this was also a way for shaming mothers, or, in our case parents.

At that point of time in our small town, no one must have heard about the concept of body shaming. People generally lived by the notions of the society. And all this had an adverse affect on my parents. So, on the dinner table, "eat more" was the constant slogan. I started developing an aversion for food.

Fortunately, my sisters gained weight after some time. However, I did not. And the journey continued. My parents heard a lot about it. And I do vividly remember being taken by them to doctors with the all-important question, "Why is my daughter so thin?"

My friend’s mother even gave me a nickname because I was thin. And the insults started to pour in from all possible corners.

So, what does it do to a young sensitive girl? It destroys something within her each time. It makes her feel less worthy.

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There came a time I started to hate my body. I learnt to hide myself in front of new people. Of course my friends never shamed me, so I preferred to stay with them.

It was repetitive and so strong that there was a time, I started chatting with a boy on social media, and we spoke for a few months. I refused to send him a photo of mine for two years, not because I thought it was unsafe, but because I thought I was ugly.

Yes, there came a time, when I firmly believed that I was ugly. That's what happens when you live with body shaming. Your self-worth diminishes.

Deep down it left a scar that says you are lesser than others. A scar that can haunt young girls, like a stalker, that can appear at anytime and spoil everything.

Now that I look back, I wonder why was the size of my waist so important? Was I my weight, which was supposed to be 5kg more always?

Like some people would say, "You are doing well. Everything is all right. Just gain five more kilos, you will be perfect."

What about my academic qualification? What about the years and years of community service I have done since I was a teenager? What about the poems I wrote for national dailies?

What about the causes I fight for? What about kindness? What about the friendships I have grown across continents? But then, it always boiled down to "5kg more".

As, if nothing I did was enough. The word "enough" can haunt you like a nightmare.

Now, that I have seen life a little more, I have realised that some people love finding that one thing to bring you down. May be society loves a girl who lives with apologies. And I really learnt to live with one. The guilt of not being enough. Thin shaming made me want to hide. It made me hate my body, made me feel less than others.

Now, I have grown beyond that. I have worked on my fears and shame. A shame that was so unnecessary, yet so heavy. A shame that I did nothing to deserve. A shame that I carried everywhere. A shame that stopped me from presenting myself in my best, because deep down I was convinced I will never be enough.

The thing with thin shaming is that, this is rarely discussed or recognised. That makes it worse. You don’t have many resources. It can feel lonely and dark. 

Am I completely over it today? May be 80 per cent. The rest can come to haunt me at unlikely moments. That is a scary feeling.

I am still a work in progress, I guess.

Last updated: December 23, 2017 | 18:12
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