Henry Kissinger is FINALLY dead. The Internet rejoices at the awaited end of the world's most esteemed war criminal 

Ayaan Paul
Ayaan PaulNov 30, 2023 | 16:06

Henry Kissinger is FINALLY dead. The Internet rejoices at the awaited end of the world's most esteemed war criminal 

In a much-anticipated turn of events, the man responsible for perfecting the art of diplomatic war crimes, Henry Kissinger, has bid adieu to the mortal coil at the ripe old age of 100. No cause of death was immediately given, leaving many to speculate if he simply exhausted himself trying to keep track of the atrocities he orchestrated or if, in fact, his dark sense of humor finally got the better of him.


Kissinger, who played puppet master during his stint as Secretary of State and National Security Adviser, was the maestro behind the symphony of American humiliation, aka the Vietnam War. 

His approach, fondly labeled "realism," prioritized US interests above all else, because nothing says realism like sacrificing a few million lives for the sake of political success.

One of Kissinger's greatest hits was orchestrating a military coup in Chile, ushering in the Pinochet dictatorship - a move only rivaled by a toddler flipping a game board in frustration, except this time, tens of thousands of people were forcibly disappeared, executed, and their children were given away like party favors under false identities.

But why stop there? Kissinger, the man who looked at international relations like a game of Risk, gave the nod to Argentina's dictatorship for their murderous escapade. Thousands were kidnapped, tortured, and killed, prompting Kissinger to send them a fruit basket as a token of his appreciation for a job well done.


Never one to shy away from a good bloodbath, Kissinger told General Suharto to hurry things up in Indonesia, right before a quarter of a million Timorese met an untimely end during an illegal occupation. 

In good twisted motivational speaker at a genocidal pep rally-fashion, he reportedly remarked, "It is important that whatever you do succeeds quickly,".

Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos - Kissinger didn’t discriminate when it came to bombing. 

The man had a certain fondness for the phrase "anything that moves," turning entire regions into real-life Wile E Coyote landscapes. Cambodia, in particular, felt the love as Kissinger's bombs rained down indiscriminately, hitting civilian-populated areas like a particularly ill-aimed game of darts.

Kissinger also famously said of the Marshall Islands, where the US conducted nuclear testing “There are only 90,000 people out there. Who gives a damn?”


And let's not forget his role in Bangladesh's Liberation War, where Kissinger played fairy godmother to Pakistani dictator Yahya Khan, enabling the slaughter of an estimated 300,000 to 3 million people. If war crimes were an Olympic sport, Kissinger would be the undisputed gold medalist.

But hey, who needs accountability? Kissinger once eloquently summed up his philosophy: "The illegal we do immediately; the unconstitutional takes a little longer." A man ahead of his time, or perhaps just a man who had a really good lawyer.

As Kissinger exits stage left, leaving a legacy of chaos and unchecked power, the United States, the land of the free and the home of the brave, can rest easy knowing that it's not the first time it has turned a blind eye to the misdeeds of its chosen few. 

After all, in a nation where elite accountability is rarer than a unicorn riding a unicycle, Kissinger's life merely shines a spotlight on the grim truth that morality and politics have about as much in common as Kissinger does with a Nobel Peace Prize.

Last updated: November 30, 2023 | 16:06
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