In a much-anticipated turn of events, the man responsible for perfecting the art of diplomatic war crimes, Henry Kissinger, has bid adieu to the mortal coil at the ripe old age of 100. No cause of death was immediately given, leaving many to speculate if he simply exhausted himself trying to keep track of the atrocities he orchestrated or if, in fact, his dark sense of humor finally got the better of him.
YES— Is Henry Kissinger Dead Yet? (@DidKissingerD1e) November 30, 2023
Kissinger, who played puppet master during his stint as Secretary of State and National Security Adviser, was the maestro behind the symphony of American humiliation, aka the Vietnam War.
Anthony Bourdain on what he would do to Henry Kissinger, and why he despised him so much pic.twitter.com/y7xibVII1r— ☀️👀 (@zei_squirrel) November 30, 2023
His approach, fondly labeled "realism," prioritized US interests above all else, because nothing says realism like sacrificing a few million lives for the sake of political success.
One of Kissinger's greatest hits was orchestrating a military coup in Chile, ushering in the Pinochet dictatorship - a move only rivaled by a toddler flipping a game board in frustration, except this time, tens of thousands of people were forcibly disappeared, executed, and their children were given away like party favors under false identities.
whoever gets stuck giving henry kissinger’s eulogy pic.twitter.com/mG16o1qVqD— jay (@kendallhosseini) November 30, 2023
But why stop there? Kissinger, the man who looked at international relations like a game of Risk, gave the nod to Argentina's dictatorship for their murderous escapade. Thousands were kidnapped, tortured, and killed, prompting Kissinger to send them a fruit basket as a token of his appreciation for a job well done.
Love that Muppet Treasure Island had Gonzo tossing away Kissinger's book Diplomacy in disgust. Rest in pieces Bozo!! pic.twitter.com/u123vcd4Sf— Margaret "Molly" Rasberry🏳️🌈🇵🇸 (@RasberryRazz) November 30, 2023
Never one to shy away from a good bloodbath, Kissinger told General Suharto to hurry things up in Indonesia, right before a quarter of a million Timorese met an untimely end during an illegal occupation.
When I was told the news about Kissinger, it was delivered to me with this exact cadence pic.twitter.com/XE48XcKkeU— Ben Crew (@BenjaminCrew1) November 30, 2023
In good twisted motivational speaker at a genocidal pep rally-fashion, he reportedly remarked, "It is important that whatever you do succeeds quickly,".
telling myself this is how kissinger died pic.twitter.com/71RZNoX4RW— Jared Gilman (@realJaredGilman) November 30, 2023
Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos - Kissinger didn’t discriminate when it came to bombing.
The man had a certain fondness for the phrase "anything that moves," turning entire regions into real-life Wile E Coyote landscapes. Cambodia, in particular, felt the love as Kissinger's bombs rained down indiscriminately, hitting civilian-populated areas like a particularly ill-aimed game of darts.
The whole world when it finds out Kissinger is dead pic.twitter.com/a4jNLehV3Q— Sailor Moon (@stealyoredbull) November 30, 2023
Kissinger also famously said of the Marshall Islands, where the US conducted nuclear testing “There are only 90,000 people out there. Who gives a damn?”
Henry Kissinger waking up in hell back in Nixon’s Cabinet pic.twitter.com/ZbnaVxOPCi— Jared (@Name3309) November 30, 2023
And let's not forget his role in Bangladesh's Liberation War, where Kissinger played fairy godmother to Pakistani dictator Yahya Khan, enabling the slaughter of an estimated 300,000 to 3 million people. If war crimes were an Olympic sport, Kissinger would be the undisputed gold medalist.
Satan when he finds Henry Kissinger finally checked into hell. pic.twitter.com/VudUZ1fqCP— Tom 🎄🎅🏻 (@TQSherwood) November 30, 2023
But hey, who needs accountability? Kissinger once eloquently summed up his philosophy: "The illegal we do immediately; the unconstitutional takes a little longer." A man ahead of his time, or perhaps just a man who had a really good lawyer.
Being at a protest for Palestine at Rockefeller center and learning Henry Kissinger has died is absolutely wild https://t.co/3hRXHXokbo— Read Let This Radicalize You (@JoshuaPHilll) November 30, 2023
As Kissinger exits stage left, leaving a legacy of chaos and unchecked power, the United States, the land of the free and the home of the brave, can rest easy knowing that it's not the first time it has turned a blind eye to the misdeeds of its chosen few.
Jacobin hated Henry Kissinger so much that they wrote a book-length obituary years ago and commissioned 50,000 copies and just let them sit until the motherfucker finally died. Unbeatable levels of hater. I am inspired. pic.twitter.com/rQ5WZqAVeu— Emissary of Night 🔆🍉 (@EmissaryOfNight) November 30, 2023
After all, in a nation where elite accountability is rarer than a unicorn riding a unicycle, Kissinger's life merely shines a spotlight on the grim truth that morality and politics have about as much in common as Kissinger does with a Nobel Peace Prize.