“Friends, Indians, countrymen, lend me your ears.”
“Jai Hind!” (with much fervour)
A circular sent out to all the staff and cabin crew of Air India states that they are now required to say ‘Jai Hind’ after every announcement — and ‘with much fervour.’ This order, with immediate effect, is believed to be in tune with the ‘mood of the nation.’
Singed off by Capt Amitabh Singh, Director-Operations, the directive, according to PTI, comes straight from Air India’s chairman and managing director, Ashwani Lohani, who had issued a similar directive to pilots in May 2016, during his first stint.
This time, the circular is for every staffer and after every announcement — although it is not clear if it applies to in-flight conversations between two crew members. Like, “Cabin crew, prepare for takeoff. (Pause) Jai Hind!
Bottom line — expect further delays in taking off and landing. And, if there is turbulence, try not to have a nervous breakdown.
Little surprise that with General Elections around the corner, the josh of patriotism hasn’t even spared the skies. https://t.co/AyVvEPDU3u— Mehbooba Mufti (@MehboobaMufti) March 5, 2019
Of course Mehbooba Mufti is not surprised that “the josh of patriotism hasn’t even spared the skies.” We, on the other hand, wonder if such a directive has already reached Air India, can other aspects of our lives be far behind?
We’re applying the instruction to three everyday life situations — and adding ‘Jai Hind’ to these ‘with much fervour!’
1 'Loan le lo please' — (pause) — 'Jai Hind!'
Telemarketer: Good morning sir, this is Vikas, calling from we-will-take-your-money-and-lend-it-to-rich-businessmen-then-they-will-run-away-and-we-will-increase-your-interest-rates bank. Jai Hind!
You: It’s ma’am. Can’t you understand from my voice?
Telemarketer: Sorry, ma’am. We have a personal loan offer for you at no extra cost. Jai Hind!
You: What do you mean, no extra cost? Every bank will loan money at a fixed interest rate. What extra costs are there that you’re not charging?
Telemarketer: Ma’am, we won’t ask for your kidney, like other banks. We only ask of you to spend your entire youth in debt, grow old and realise your life was a lie — but die happy because what else can you do anyway. Jai Hind!
You: No thanks. I am already dead, sir!
2 'Caller tune ke liye * dabayein' — (pause) — 'Jai Hind!'
Telemarketer: Good morning, sir, we are offering a free caller tune trial service for 10 days. Would you like to try it? Jai Hind!
You: No, I am not interested, thanks.
Telemarketer: But it’s a free trial. You can discontinue if you don’t like it. Jai Hind!
You: I still don’t want it. Besides, you don’t have good songs in your list anyway.
Telemarketer: We have Punjabi hits like Proper Patola. Jai Hind!
You: I don’t want Punjabi.
Telemarketer: How about a track from Gully Boy? Azadi? Jai Hind!
You: Umm... no.
Telemarketer: We have Altaf Raja’s Tum Toh Thehere Pardesi, too. Jai Hind!
3 'Location pe hoon' — (pause) — 'Jai Hind!'
Driver: Ma’am, location pe aagaya hoon. Jai Hind!
You: But I am standing right here and I can’t see you. Do you see a park there?
Driver: No ma’am. I can see a tree. Kids can very well play around it and call it a park too. Jai Hind.
You: Arrey, I am talking about an actual park. Okay, what do you see around? Give me a landmark.
Driver: A tree, a pile of rocks, a street dog sitting under the sun. Jai Hind.
You: How is that even a landmark? A dog? How am I supposed to know which dog, they all look the same, naa?
Driver: Okay ma’am, let me check his Aadhaar Card to get his identity right. Jai Hind!
You: Are you crazy? Just follow the map and take a left after the park.
Driver: Sorry ma’am, I cannot turn left, I can only turn right. Jai Hind!