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6 other things to burn along with 500 quintals of mango wood to rid Hindustan of pollution

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DailyTrip
DailyTripMar 21, 2018 | 12:48

6 other things to burn along with 500 quintals of mango wood to rid Hindustan of pollution

At a time when many parts of India are battling toxic levels of air pollution, so much so that a total of 140 air purifiers were reportedly purchased for Prime Minister Narendra Modi's offices and at least six other government agencies, Hindu priests in Uttar Pradesh’s Meerut have found an elegant solution to combat the deathly choke of particulate matter in air — with more particulate matter, of course.

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In the best “fighting fire with fire” ever, more than 350 Brahmins from the Shri Ayutchandi Mahayagya Samiti began performing a nine-day-long mahayagya (great sacrifice) on March 18, under which they reportedly plan to burn 500 quintals of mango wood with an aim of, of course, reducing pollution. 

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Such a good idea is this plan that even the Uttar Pradesh Pollution Control Board (UPPCB) has refused to intervene in the matter, even though RK Tyagi, a regional officer of UPPCB in Meerut, agrees that, “Burning such large quantities of wood will definitely cause pollution.”

Gyanendra Agarwal, the president of Shri Ayutchandi Mahayagya Samiti, however, assuages arbitrary scientific worries such as these with a healthy dose of voodoo, mumbo jumbo and pseudoscience when he says, "Mango wood burnt after pouring pure ghee does not cause pollution. We are also adding sesame seeds, rice and barley to aid the purification process. According to a scientific report, the Ozone layer above our country is the least damaged because of frequent yagyas.”

Providing more reassurances — because Agarwal’s statement raises more questions than it answers (it answers none at all) — Girish Bansal, the vice-president of the organisation told The Times of India that “There is no scientific evidence to it because no research has been done so far. City residents will see purer air once the yagya is complete.”

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Now, isn’t that a relief?

Those criticising this move as “stupid”, “moronic”, “unscientific” and other big words should stop and think for a moment — what if it actually works. If that is indeed the case, this can effectively open up multiple avenues for many of the things currently plaguing our society and country. After a lot of research on the dark web and in hidden codes inside the Vedas, we have managed to unearth seven different sacrificial ingredients that will help our country return to its glory days.

1) Demonetised notes

Despite the best intentions of Prime Minister Narendra Modi, the curse of black money still refuses to let go. What is the solution, then? It is simple. Burn all the old currency notes that are no longer valid as legal tender. There is just a slight problem, however. It’s approximately 23 billion unusable banknotes that need to be sacrificed.

2) Revised history books

A problem that has gripped India since the Modi government's rise to power is a change in history — specifically that Hindu nationalists are trying to rewrite it. But how does one fight such an attempt? It's simple. We just burn the actual history books with actual facts. Because if we can fight smoke with smoke, we can fight fake history with just deleting all historical records. The logic sounds flawless. 

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3) Fake news

And of course, no one can deny India's present fake news problem. The solution? We burn newspapers. If there is no news, we will easily be able to identify fake news. 

4) Posters of John Lennon

The only sure-shot way to remove "The Communists" from India is to burn all the posters of their God, John Lennon. Recently, in Tripura, we witnessed how some misguided BJP volunteers vandalised a statue of Vladimir Lenin, as a sign of their victory over the Left. They had the right idea. What they did not know however, is that Lenin was just a singer from a 1960s boy-band in England. Mistakes do happen sometimes. 

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5) Veg biryani

To fight the increasing consumption of beef and other non-veg food in an ideally vegetarian world, the way to go is to set fire to veg biryani. And it has its advantages. First, we'll get rid of a dish that should not exist in nature. Two, no one is likely to miss veg biryani. 

6) Bad loans

At this point, it seems highly unlikely that men like Nirav Modi and Vijay Mallya — who have conned Indian banks of thousands of crores of rupees — woll ever find themselves facing justice. But what should we do if we are unable to catch them? It's simple. Withdraw from banks the amount of money you want recovered. And then burn it. With a little ghee. After all...

Last updated: March 21, 2018 | 12:48
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