Bitter Twitter lessons for 'creepy uncle' Amitabh Bachchan

Bhaskar Chawla
Bhaskar ChawlaMay 04, 2018 | 17:23

Bitter Twitter lessons for 'creepy uncle' Amitabh Bachchan

That Amitabh Bachchan’s Twitter account is a source of hilarity is a known fact. He tries so hard but doesn’t get too far. But we forget that our opinions of the man are coloured by the fact that he’s the Shahenshah of Bollywood.

In a country where Bollywood stars are gods, it’s easy to forget that maybe they’re just like those clueless and creepy uncles we all have on our family WhatsApp groups. Maybe we just need to take some time from our busy schedules and teach them how Twitter works.


Lesson 1: Text messaging is different from Twitter

Basics first. Your Twitter is public. Everyone can see it. Every one of your tweets shows your name, handle, and display picture. If you have a blue tick next to your name, that means Twitter has verified who you are.

You do not need to introduce yourself on Twitter. Certainly not with your name as well as your handle. That is something you do when you’re texting someone who doesn’t have your number. Text messaging is a different form of communication.

Lesson 2: Saying “yo” isn’t as cool as you think

Regardless of how it may seem, Honey Singh wasn’t cool before or after he added “Yo Yo” to his name. You don’t have to say “yo” to fit in. Or to show that you like or agree with someone’s tweet. For that, we have the “retweet” button.


Lesson 3: Do not whine if you aren’t getting new followers

Your followers are made up of human beings, trolls, idiots and bots. Twitter can remove some of these bots, but they do not control who follows you. Followers are not a form of payment they give you in exchange for tweets, such as political patronage in exchange for relentless ass-kissing.

Lesson 4: Don’t mix up pictures in brand endorsement tweets

The brands will give you all the material you need for this. Just use it. Do not use a picture that seems to say "this is how creepy I can be" or "it doesn’t take this much to make me change my political allegiance".


Lesson 5: '102 not out' is not a colour

Yes, this isn’t quite a lesson about Twitter, but it’s an important one nevertheless. A bigger lesson here is that keep your tweets as concise as possible because you don’t want to be the guy who bored people to sleep in less than 280 characters.

Lesson 6: We know what a 'triple role' means

If you have to refer to one of your films as the one where you played three characters who all looked alike, its anniversaries are perhaps not worth celebrating. Also, you do not have to put “years” in caps. No one will assume that you mean 35 months.

That’s it for Twitter 101. One must give credit where it’s due: Great job on figuring out that fans of Bollywood stars live to hear about regular bodily functions of their idols.

For more lessons, you should contact someone who can teach you Twitter whenever you want, is completely jobless, and owes you a lot for essentially gifting him his erstwhile career.

I believe, the perfect candidate lives under the same roof as you.

Last updated: May 05, 2018 | 22:40
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