[Satire] Why Shivraj Singh Chouhan's new ban is eggcellent

Why is the world atwitter about the egg ban by the Shivraj Chouhan government? This ban is great for the economy. In multiple ways! Let me educate you about some of these:

Higher GDP: An egg sells for five bucks, while a chicken sells for 100 bucks. That's a growth margin of 95 per cent. If all eggs grow up to be chickens, imagine the cash influx! To present higher GDP growth figures, no new formula will be needed anymore. No more fudged figures - only egg-zact ones!

Land acquisition: If tribal children remain malnourished, their parents will either migrate to become daily wage labourers in a city slum or child mortality rates will go up. Either way, sooner or later, their lands will become free to be given as largesse to the Adanis, Ambanis, Poscos, Vedantas and other crony-buddy donors. No more ordinances, no Rajya Sabha hassles, no courting Jaya and Mamata. How Egg-squisite!

Steady onion prices: It is a known fact that eggs mostly get made into omelettes or bhurji that use a lot of onions. If onion consumption goes down and demand flattens or reduces, as any serious economist like Panagariya or Bhagwati will readily tell you, there is no chance of inflation. No more onion-induced tears, upheaval and social unrest also mean greater political stability, making Gurcharan Das, Kiran Mazumdar-Shaw and other industry leaders very happy. Totally Egg-static!

Bonanza for farmers: Dal will become a much more valued source of protein. In the last year, the retail price of pulses have risen only by 50 per cent. Only middlemen pocketed this money, not the farmer. As any television studio's reigning deity will tell you - increased demand means higher prices, especially if the government ensures that the area under cultivation for pulses/lentils keeps shrinking at the same pace as the last decade or two. Once the scarcity-induced profit margin goes above 100 per cent, surely some of it will be passed on to the farmers, thus boosting the rural economy.

This ban is a bold, revolutionary initiative to solve the agrarian crisis. Eggz-emplary!

More FDI in retail: Once the price rise is beyond 100 per cent (as above) and margins become phenomenal, Walmart will actually walk down in full bridal gear on the red carpet the government has been rolling out for years. Reliance may feel Fresh again. Bharti may even focus on retail and give up the mobile telephony and data businesses (AirTell's Reliance to Jio alone?). A total egg-zit!

Boost to healthcare sector: Once beef, eggs, chicken, meat and fish are totally banned in India, medical professionals will breathe easier. No more salmonella infections, no more fish with high mercury levels, no more kebabs full of antibiotics, no swine flu, no avian fevers and no tapeworm infections! They can then single-mindedly focus on malnutrition and deficiencies, which will become universal, thus bridging that ugly rural-urban divide. Superspeciality hospitals needn't worry - diseases may reduce, but not the superfluous procedures and unnecessary operations, nor the inflated charges for medicines and supplies. Medical malls will remain eggz-ceptional!

Reduced outlay on fighting terrorism: It is well-known that though not every carnivore is a terrorist, but all terrorists are non-vegetarians. Cut the meat, blood and gore out of their lives and their prakriti and pravritti (nature and tendencies) will change. No more terror! Fine, prosecutor Nikam made up that story about Kasab demanding a biryani, and chest-thumping leaders will no longer be able to exhort the crowds with "tell me, should they get bullets or biryanis", but, then, that's a small price to pay. The world, anyway, has moved on to 'selfies', as any fawning journalist at the prime minister's private lunch/dinner will readily tell you. Issues and debates are eggz-tinct!

Once terrorism is gone, our police and paramilitary forces can then focus on repressing the dispossessed and the underclass, without getting distracted by some terror attack somewhere. Intelligence agencies will be able to focus on clandestine surveillance of activists, political opponents, critics on social media and IIT students - the new national call/data/internet monitoring system will be the only toy they'll need to conduct surveillance on every citizen. And the beauty - it is not a recurring cost, but a one-time cost! Reduced eggz-penditure! Snooping on private conversations will also help relieve the spy's boredom. Greater eggz-citement!

So do you now see that this ban is great for our morals and morale too? The egg ban is a veritable bonanza for the economy. We can now look forward not just to #achchedin, but days that are truly eggz-cellent!

Now, excuse me, while I wallow in nostalgia for the good old days, sobbing in tandem with Chitalkar's voice, for I will no longer be able to say to you - aanamerijaan, merijaan, sundaykesunday...