Happy Birthday, Salman Khan: Why Salman will be the eternal bachelor
It's that time of year — somewhere in the central suburbs of Mumbai, a twenty-something guy is narcissistically staring at himself in the mirror and mumbling, “Mere baarein mein itna mat sochna. Dil mein aata hoon, samajh mein nahi.” A thousand kilometres away from him, another finds himself panicking for he believes he’s lost THE bracelet — albeit a replica he bought from a local shop, but it’s a silver chain with a large blue stone, alright. He finds it, wears it and feels complete.
Somewhere in Indore, she brings a cake to work today. ‘It’s not your birthday, is it?’ probes a colleague. ‘No, it’s Salman’s.’ Cake toh banta hai.
Such is the effect Salman Khan has on his fans. His dialogues become their gospel truth, his personal style — a uniform, loving him — a religion. Therefore, his bachelorhood is also a matter of national concern. Obviously.
Ever since Bhaijaan admitted to the world on national television, on Koffee With Karan, that he is a virgin, India lost her mind. In a good way, of course. Because that reaffirms our belief that Bhai is sanskaari — bachelor hai, toh virgin hi hoga, naa?
Which means, now the nation has to try harder to find a bride for him.
On the Koffee couch, Salman also admitted how he almost got married — cards batchukein thein-types.
But then, she broke his heart. (Psst, was it Somi Ali? Was it Sangeeta Bijlani? *nail-biting suspense*)
Though it wasn’t Last Christmas that he gave her his heart, she did give it away the very next day. This year, to save himself from tears, he gave it to someone special.
Enter: Iulia Vântur.
When Iulia Vântur came into Salman bhai’s house parties and his social media feed, the nation let out a collective sigh of relief, assuming ki it’s time for ‘chatt mangni, te patt vyah.’
Not that anybody can ever be good enough for him, but Bhai ki pasand is hamaari pasand.
But then, Katrina Kaif too made a comeback, and since Tiger Zinda Hai along with their sizzling chemistry, we don’t know who’s who.
Will the real bhaabi please stand up?
But here’s the catch. There’s no bhaabi. ‘Cuz there’s no shaadi. And it is YOUR fault.
On the one hand, you (yes, you) turned Shah Rukh Khan into a symbol of romance, and on the other, you (yes, I’m talking to you) conferred the title of ‘Bhaijaan’ on Salman! You bro-zoned him, India, you bro-zoned him to the end of time!
If this was Game Of Thrones, in the distant parts of Westeros, we would be okay with the idea of Cersei and Jaime Lannister. But in India, incest is hamaare sanskriti ke khilaaf.
Taanashahi nahin chalegi.
Kiski?
Kisiki bhi.
Now, Salman is doomed to be the national brother.
He can be your ‘jaan’ but he will still be ‘Bhai!’
This, even though you knew that ek baar woh commitment kardein, toh phir woh apne aap ki bhi nahi suntein!
Naturally, then he had to pledge his allegiance to Hanuman ji — the bachelor god — by admitting that he is Bajrangbali ke bhakt, and therefore, shall now be known as Bajrangi Bhaijaan.
Seriously, I can’t believe you people did that.
In the immortal words of Bhaijaan himself, “Mujhpe ek ehsaan karna, mujhpe koi ehsaan mat karna!”
Tch tch tch!