Mission: Impossible - Fallout: How CBFC aborted Hollywood's 'sinister mission' in Kashmir
The Christopher McQuarrie-directed movie, Mission: Impossible - Fallout, released in India on July 27, had to undergo four "cuts/modifications" made by the Central Board of Film Certification (CBFC).
Now hold your horses, it wasn't because of any kissing scenes — if you were salivating for a case like that of the last James Bond movie (Spectre, when the CBFC had reduced the "too excessive" kissing scenes by half).
This time around, the goras from Hollywood have touched our raw nerve with several references to another K-word — Kashmir.
CBFC chief Prasoon Joshi has said Kashmir references from the film were asked to be “rectified or removed” as the integrity of India’s borders is “non-negotiable”. According to him, the map shown in the film “misrepresents the boundaries of Jammu and Kashmir”.
Now we can't independently verify Joshi Ji's 'josh' regarding this highly sensitive matter since we didn't get to see the uncut version of the movie, but, mind you, MI6 is nothing but an attempt by the external forces to meddle in India's internal affairs and seduce our enemy country with long and sloppy arguments over the K-word.
These Holly people don't realise what kind of a threat they are exposing our film reviewers to with such irresponsible behaviour. All our star reviewers are in a precarious situation now — whether to go gaga over the movie, just like the western media is doing, or thrash it for hurting our nazuk sentiments and bhari-bharkam ego.
Those who have already "reviewed" the sixth installment in the action franchise calling it the most-exciting Mission so far, are regretting their decision of not watching the movie along with Joshi ji in the first place. Some are even doing a rethink on updating their "sharp, fun, sleek" comments about the movie and deleting a few stars (thank god for web journalism).
Movie-buffs and Tom Cruise fans are equally confused — whether to go and enjoy the film or chase our swadeshi spy, Tiger bhai (Ek tha Tiger) on AmazonPrime.
Traitors at @viacom18 didn't self-censor maps misrepresenting Indian sovereignty or "India controlled Kashmir" in Mission Impossible: Fallout, so CBFC had to make cuts. This is why we need CBFC. @ramprasad_c @Chopdasaab @iAnkurSingh @_NAN_DINI pic.twitter.com/DJxCWLgfMt
— Tarun Balraj (@btarunr) July 28, 2018
What should anger us more is that the "sentiment-hurting" trash of a movie has already minted Rs 56.1 crore in India, making it the biggest opening day and opening weekend for a Cruise film in the country.
So what if the entire world goes to watch a Mission movie for its sheer spycraft, the eye-popping sequences, extreme stunts and pumped up operatic action. In short, to appreciate the preposterousness of the franchise, and not to take offence over deliberate factual errors and geographical misrepresentation.
But we in India know how to stand our ground. The CBFC should be awarded with honorary Oscars for asking the makers to add a "disclaimer of fiction" to the movie that “the film neither intends to hurt the feelings/sentiments nor means to defame persons of any region, community, nationality, religion or organisation”.
In fact, we should thank 'Joshi Genius' for clearing the air. All these years we were under the impression that Mission movies are science documentaries, no?
Now, the makers of the movie have at least realised that we don't take anything lying low. We rather fly high up in the air, out of plane windows to catch offence. There is no one on earth who can pull this particular stunt better than us. India is always sentimentally savdhaan.
Those Holly people won't dare to "intend" to hurt our feelings and sentiments in future.
Calling Kashmir as India-controlled is totally unacceptable when India is having such a hard time keeping law and order under control in the godforsaken Valley. The dumb Hollywood wale bhaiyyas could have at least shown some creativity and called it "out-of-India's-control" Kashmir.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
It is this dumbness of Hollywood that is absolutely, completely and totally non-negotiable.
Lastly, the buggers could have saved a helluva money shooting in the picturesque Khyber Pakhtunkhwa than dolling up New Zealand as Kashmir. Imran bhai and his entire cast and crew would have happily extended their hospitability to the MI squad.
this scene in the latest mission impossible film, turns out to be in norway and not in kashmir as the plot goes. name's preikestolen. steep cliff rising up to 604 meters. and people do base jumping over here. nuts. well i'd do it too if the view is that amazing. hahahaha pic.twitter.com/8u53Yhmvay
— waywen (@way_wen) July 27, 2018
Just saw "Mission Impossible" where Tom Cruise's cell phone gets perfect reception on a 15,000-ft. mountain top in Kashmir. Meanwhile, I can't get a signal in half the places in Las Vegas. #ATTMIssionImpossiblePhoneService
— Nolan Dalla (@nolandalla) July 28, 2018
For such unmatched stupidity, we give Mission: Impossible - Fallout a lowly 1/2 ★.
By the way, what did they expect with a name like that? Now, that's what we call an epic "fallout" between India and Hollywood.