Why Indian men crave a porn ban

In an India Today survey conducted last week, 94 per cent of men between the ages of 18 and 88 supported the government of India’s decision to ban pornography. The decision was greeted among the adult male population with wild cheering, fireworks, music, dancing in the streets, distribution of sweets, prayers, condom sacrifices, and chants of “Free at last, O Lord, free at last!” So joyous and energetic were the celebrations that at last count 11 men died of overexertion and 613 were admitted to hospitals in serious condition.            

Naturally, scientifically-minded women will demand to see the statistical assumptions of the study. Unlike us emotional men, women tend to cold logic and data. To assure a 99 per cent confidence level with a one per cent confidence interval, a sample of n=16,651 was used. Can’t get much more precise than that. Of the six per cent who voted against the ban, two per cent were caught by their fathers and soundly smacked until they changed the answers to support a ban. Three percent thought that normal sex was making love to their rubber duckies. They were protesting the lack of rubber ducky pornography and felt banning porn would damage their drive for equality in pornography. The remaining one per cent did not know what pornography was about. When shown a short video of Sunny Leone getting dressed, they became so excited they went into a coma and were unable to continue with the survey.

Doubtless women, who have convinced themselves that Indian men are mad about pornography, will be shocked that the survey so strongly supports the ban. Here we encounter a real world example of “Men are from Earth and women are from Galaxy MACS0647-JD”. That galaxy is the most distant visible from Earth, and is approximately 13bn light years away. You see, when women say “I’m mad about porn”, they mean that they love porn. When men say “I’m mad about porn”, they mean they’re angry about it.

But why should men be against pornography? Statistics explain it all. Indian women hardly need reminding that the bedroom endurance of the Indian male averages 43 seconds – on days the moon is blue and the planets are in perfect straight-line alignment.  Otherwise it’s less. And Indian male – er – whiffies measure an average of 9.8cm. That’s after inflation with the ever-handy bicycle pump, which is a love-aid you find in every Indian couple’s bedroom.

So what’s the connection with Indian men being against pornography? Watch a pornographic movie with a stop-watch and a laser centimeter measure. The average endurance of the men is 553 seconds, and the length of their – er – whiffies is 24.3cm.

Let’s face it, ladies. When men watch a pornographic movie, they see rigorous activity that continues for ever and a day. They see – er – whiffies – of sizes that cause women to gasp with shock and awe, and break into song: “Oh what a wonderful feeling, oh what a wonderful day!” or the equivalent in vernacular. They see the women writhing in ecstasy and screaming “Don’t stop! Do it again! Five times is not enough!”

Meanwhile, back on earth, men must make love with the lights out. Else the significant other says: “How can it be that small? You should be ashamed of yourself!” Or: “Is that a pipe-cleaner in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” Even lights offdoesn’t help in escaping the inevitable snark: “What do you mean you’ve finished? I haven’t even got my panties off!” And “Does this mean we’ll next have 'sex' when humans colonise Pluto?”

For a man, sex is non-stop trauma, jeering, and humiliation. Who needs this? Men blame pornography for giving Indian women wrong and – er – unfulfillable expectations.  Which is why almost all men support a pornography ban.

PS: What hurts worst is the air quotes around “sex”.