Why shooting porn in space will be out of this world

Most of you who have watched Sandra Bullock and George Clooney cavort and being flung around mercilessly in the sci-fi blockbuster Gravity, must have wimpily winced and grumpily grimaced at the thought of it. PornHub, the largest online pornography portal in the world, must be given a tight slap on its loose arse for propositioning thus.

And some of you romantics and devouts are probably outraged that the first, the very freaking first, sexual encounter in space will not be the primordial lovemaking born out of uncontrolled and boundless passion between a man and a woman, but merely a controlled coitus for not creational but recreational purposes!

A bloody porn film!

Okay, I do see many of you devilishly smacking your lips and just barely able to mask the titillation! You Howard Wolowitzes of the world, practicing your very own big bang theories in the tiny laboratories that anyway feel like the innards of a space shuttle (even though you were just fixing the loo!), yes, your time has come.

Eva Lovia ("Dude, that's not what we call her. She's for us all, elegantly enough, Eva Labia!") and Johnny Sins ("Yeah, yeah, whatever, Adam Dick, or not. We carry Vernier Calipers. Don't pinch us with your inches, pal!") will star in PornHub's first crowd-funded space porn film Sexplorations, to be shot, if everything works out, late next year.

No, not next rear. Year. 2016.

Perusal of Vimeo preview pretty much lays it out: the space sex tape is rocket science in a condom! In the interest of pure knowledge, you geeks, pervs and nerds, the moot question - Can Lovia and Sins experience the Big O? - will keep you up for nights now. One small push for man, but one giant leap for humankind, you must be muttering, believing in the pornography of the possible.

All you depressing naysayers, who are flashing NASA/ESA/RSA data on what a high-risk and scientifically painstaking job it is to have sex in zero/microgravity environment, get lost! You are creationists in disguise. You must have balked when first IVF had happened. What syringe and test tube can replace a good ol' human willy, you had scoffed then! May space debris land on your head!

But you mild skeptics, you scientific artists and artsy scientists, you unlikely relishers of Playboy (the International Space Station edition), you ambassadors of Sex and the Suity, buckle up!

It's time to have some crowd-funded fun.

(Of course, as and when the estimated 3.4 million dollars reaches PornHub. Let them scratch their brains with space flight costs, a hunk of 60 effing per cent, pre and post-production, pay Indiegogo, figure out insurance, maintenance of cast and crew, and all that blah that is suddenly all that whoa.)

Let Lovia and Sins wriggle in and out, grease the tubes, get sweaty and gross, strap themselves to contraptions and learn yoga to manipulate the 0G. You just sit tight, and prepare to be amazed as you watch the spacecast.

Star Wars worshippers, you do know what's the upside of all this? You may be alive to see the day Luke Skywalker gets rechristened Luke Skyf#@ker!

Hallelujah!