Having become cricket's leading A-Lister, Virat Kohli thought to himself, why not make yet another feel-good list, a list of New Year resolutions? It was already 2016, Australia beckoned, he needed to jot down all those thoughts he was buzzing with.
He picked the phone to call Rav (Ravi Shastri for the uninitiated) but then something came over him.
1. Exactly. Do not need Rav to make up my mind for everything and anything. Hell, not a list of New Year resolutions at least. From here, this moment, I'm independent. Single ready to mingle. LOL. Oh, this is turning to be a light hearted list. Get serious, V, Australia is round the corner.
2. Can't wait to get my finger out at the Aussies again. Figuratively. Like last time. Not like time before last. As Rav often says, will let my bat do the talking. Sh*t gotta stop quoting Rav all the time. It will come to me. Focus. Yeah, can already see it flowing in. Focus V Focus.
3. Believe in self. Yeah. OK, that was never a problem. Scratch that off.
3. Again: Continue to believe in Rohit Sharma. He's going through a tough patch in Tests, lots of T20s, ODIs, IPL, before we play a Test, it's for MS (ODI, T20 Skip) and Rohit (MI skip) to believe in Rohit. So, do I scrap this Resolution 3 again also? Hmmm
3. Yet again: Assist MS' and Rohit's belief in Rohit. This doesn't make sense. But this resolution has potential...LOL old joke in new bottle, I'm sounding like those f*cking trolls.
4. Continue to believe in Yuvi Pa (Yuvraj Singh) Oh how he took care of me, now I gotta take care of him. So glad he's back in the team. But can I keep defending him like I did after that last World T20? Why not? It's nearly nine years and people still haven't had their fill of those six 6s, what if Yuvi Pa hits one 6, they'll go crazy and soak themselves wet with nostalgia. Will ask Yuvi Pa to concentrate on one 6 - and once one comes that can lead to another one and we all know how that can do a world of good for his confidence! Damn that sounded like Rav again. Easy. I'll be my own man very soon but these damn clichés, they're so f*cking hard to get out of your teeth. I spend more time with A (Anushka) than Rav but I don't talk girlie...Hehehe A isn't that girlie, is that a compliment, will she take it as a compliment, guess V will never know..lol hehehe..why am I heheheing? Is that the A-effect?
5. Go on more holidays with A. Strike a balance between C & A (cricket and Anushka) Should I ask her to not attend my matches? Should I mix A & C? Or should I be calling it C & A? What comes first? Hate it when people blame A if I get out cheaply. That's wrong. Or as we say now that's so WROGN (lol sponsor alert) Will not allow that to happen. But it makes A very upset when ch*tiya junta go ballistic and blame her. So from now on, will ask A to wear a burka so people don't recognise her. A wants to see me bat. Bat outta my skin, outta my p*nts. Lol. A and I don't want A to take blame. Problem solved. It will work like great Sheikhs. LOL.
6. Continue to look at the great Sachin Tendulkar for inspiration. Must work at being humble like him. How? Will ask Him. Getting senti. Wish he had never retired. Will ask him to unretire. But sh*t if he unretires he will have to retire again and will get tooooooo senti. Bad idea.
7. Will not abuse the press. Even if they are worthy of being abused. LOL. Especially if they are worthy of being abused. Will use fresh tools like sarcasm.
But will it be lost on those thick skinned @#$%%%#@!& LOL that felt so much better. Restraint, Virat, Restraint V with a Capital R. It's too Risky also with a capital R. Will ignore if sarcasm in lower case fails. Or better still will continue to be honest to myself and sickeningly earnest. Even they lose interest then and ignore me. LOL.
Any other resolutions? Damn A is calling. What if she asks what I was doing? Should I share with her? What if she sees Resolution No. 5 what will she say? I will take the bull by its horns.
Later when Anushka reads Virat's list of resolutions:
Anushka: Who were you calling a bull?
Virat: Damn, that's not me, it was Rav.
(However plausible this might sound, this is largely a work of fiction.)
Note: Rav is for Ravi Shastri, V is for Virat Kohli, A is for Anushka Sharma