Here's what a drunk Hindutvawadi would tell a secularist

Dear pseudo-sickular, fiberal, libtard, AAPtard, Congi, leftie, *#@^!zaadon (Excuse the language, I'm from a rural background),

So let's see where we're at. It's been a hot, hot, hot, winter. You've been saying: 1) We came to power on a development plank and there's no reason to rake up Hindutva. 2) Some key members from among our ranks seem to be getting out of control - we must be imploding. 3) Love Jihad lost us the by-polls and so we should definitely leave Hindutva behind.

Hic.

Interesting.

 "Love Jihad" first. Catchy, huh? I mean, look at what you've come up with. "U-turn sarkar" was a face-saver but "Bring back black money"? Who's handling your campaign?

 Oops sorry. That's ours now.

Coming back, an analysis of poll data will tell you that all this talk of us losing the polls because of "Love Jihad" is an overstated assumption. Our losses could be attributed, instead, to a consolidation of opposition vote in the UP, dissatisfaction with Vasundhara Raje's government in Rajasthan, and a long incumbency (you may have noticed) in Gujarat. You may also have noticed we took two states right after.

Now, that bit about us imploding, losing control…

You know why we look like this to you some times? Because you're scared of things you can't understand. And we, for you, represent a Rubik's cube.

Let me help you resolve this. To do that, let me tell you a thing or two about "control".

"Control" is winning an election by turning opinion on a riot that occurred 12 years ago.

We won 2014 (let's please settle this once and for all) on development and Hindutva.

Let's look at Hindutva first. Control is turning Hindutva around on a new axis. We noticed that your mascot had become the intellectual in some way affiliated to Lutyen's Delhi, the Beltway of the East in the world's largest democracy. Your sanction stemmed from institutions like St Stephens and JNU. Abroad, it'd be from Oxbridge or older Ivy Leagues.

So we created an aspirational counterpoint: the upwardly mobile techie/ engineer/ MBA/ "entrepreneur". For our sanction, we sourced India's IITs and IIMs (a little hat-tip to Mr Kejriwal as well for this idea). Droves from their alumni were taken in. Abroad, we'd prefer newer colleges, like Wharton (established in 1881; Harvard, for example, was 1638), but we took whatever we got really. To make this clear we brandished these badges online, on various chat forums, WhatsApp groups, blogs and Facebook and Twitter bios. Do you remember reading "Proud IITian" or "techie" on a Twitter profile immediately followed by "Proud Hindu", "Sanghi" "BJP Supporter", "Die-hard Modi fan"?

Allow me to invert that question. Do you ever remember reading "Proud ex-JNU" or "Proud Stephanian"? Unlikely? You see, the vessel we've invented to carry old Hindutva is a noisy one. You're a sonata. We're loud pop.

Wannabeism is loud - a trend you laughed at. We embraced it. In a post-Zuckerberg era, we were the brats for the other-other India that loved Chetan Bhagat, didn't care about Amitav Ghosh and participated, actually or vicariously, in Dance India Dance. Your snobbish jokes on the Prime Minister being at the centre of a Bollywood style show at Madison Square were cute, but they fell flat. The other-other India we had embraced, with our new selves and old Hindutva, loved that the PM was posing for pictures under a tree with characters from Sesame Street - they would've done the same. They dug our jokes - on Arvind Kejriwal and Rahul Gandhi. The other-other India stopped getting Kejriwal after he resigned and, well, didn't get Rahul Gandhi for many reasons.

Abuse is loud. Rage can be a brand. You've been very vociferous of late about an abusive Sadhvi, but did you check the Twitter bio of the last person who abused you for questioning the Gita? It wasn't a Yogi or a Sadhvi was it?

Hic.

We're the "new" Hindutva people. Here's introducing, in a brand new avatar, the…

Eighty point five per cent of this country, according to the 2001 census, is Hindu. We have been targeting the other-other India - our missing constituency - within this. The aim is to ensure that this section doesn't see Hindutva as divorced from modernity. Because while they still see the yelling yogis and sadhvis, now they see us as well.

Oh and by the way, while you were sleeping, we took over social media. Not very tough with so many techies/abusive Hindutvawadis - our versatile jokers in the pack.

And this was only the trough of the curve. The crest was using the new toys to connect with innovative campaigns on ground, in cities, small towns and villages. We used technology to organise, and to attract.   

More on "control"?

Hic.

Control is transforming your Achilles' heel into your enemy's blindspot. Let's now talk about the less mysterious of our two planks: "development". Our Hindutva preoccupied you so - with you crusading for "secularism" in the same antiquated way you had 50 years ago - that by the time you woke up to the fact that a massive movement to question development in Gujarat was in order, it was too late. Our newly acquired Hindu voters already saw you as having an anti-Hindu bias. They didn't take you very seriously did they?

You made this mistake in 2007. Remember our incendiary speeches after 2002? What was your reaction? Remember "Maut Ke Saudagar" after which we won Gujarat?

One would've thought seven years is a long enough time for introspection. But you missed the boat for 2014 too didn't you?

Hic.

Why am I gloating over things past? Are you beginning to feel a shiver? Let's return to your winter of missed content. I will explain.

Here we go again.

December 1. A sadhvi calls you a bastard and a minister of state renames an opposition leader after a pesky villain from the Ramayana.

There's outcry.

In the days that follow: a Cabinet minister asks that a religious text should be made into a national scripture and a chief minister says it's considered "above the Constitution"; a state leader says the Taj Mahal was built on what was previously temple land; there are many conversions. Then comes the cherry: an MP, appropriately named Sakshi (witness) Maharaj, calls Nathuram Godse "a patriot".

Outrage spirals.

But what outrage? Those lovely sarcastic/nuanced/cutting columns you write mostly for each other (in English, naturally. Have you checked the ones in Hindi newspapers recently)? Parliament and TV debates? Morchas? A black gag?

Oh wait, you joined Twitter? Congratulations on waking up and smelling the saffron.

But where, dear secularists, are the new definitions and tropes, the new channels that could reach out to many instead of a few? What's your big idea? Is the extent of your political and social imagination really a lit fest?

There's a thin line between ideological purity and ideological arrogance. Truth is, in thinking your ideas are too self evident for you to have to convey them, you've walked far out beyond that line into an echo chamber. A hall of mirrors where you think there are an infinite number of you (what two mirrors on either side of you facing each other do…) but you're actually quite alone.

What was our play?

#GharWapasi trends on Twitter. The Sadhvi that abused is sent off to campaign, again, in an area where Hindu-Muslim riots erupted a month ago. Meanwhile a yogi announces a mass conversion in Aligarh on Christmas. And we turn the tables on the opposition by asking for anti-conversion law. Then another conversion is announced for Rae Bareli. There's talk of school being open on Christmas for "Good Governance Day". Oh and have you heard: there's a Nathuram Godse statue coming up in Delhi.

Do things really look like they're going out of control?

Now, quickly, let's remember how things were playing out before this explosive December. There were cries of #UTurnSarkar and "bring back black money". Protests about us diluting people's rights to employment and land. The procedure by which a big businessman, one of our supporters, was granted a massive loan was being questioned. Caste atrocities had come back into focus to a degree. Where are these questions today? Why has the horrific rape case of December 5 resulted in only a fraction of the outrage that the rape case of December 16 did two years ago (though I get that our banning cab services was smart: how can you possibly outrage against a government that outrages more than you? Be warned- Foreign Banks and Indian Schools next!)?

Meanwhile, if you follow our campaign for Jammu and Kashmir and Jharkhand you will realise that we are continuing to campaign on Sabka Saath Sabka Vikas (With Everyone, Development For All).

In press releases, campaign speeches and press conferences (with local journalists particularly) - in J&K, Jharkhand and even neighbouring Chhattisgarh - we've claimed to have ended policy paralysis and are providing figures to substantiate how we're ushering in a new era of economic prosperity. The prime minister in a December 15 speech in Jharkhand said that false rumours are being spread about the government and that he will protect tribal rights. But while you have been consumed with attacking us on "Sabka Saath", the outcry against the "Sabka Vikas" narrative has ceased considerably hasn't it? The few editorials, articles and blogs that may have questioned it have been drowned, mostly, since December began.

Why? Because your response to "communalism" remains Pavlovian, not strategic. You fight it with reason and vigour, but are too sentimental about it to employ tact. Naturally. It's at the core of what you stand against. Hindutva in our hands, however, remains both a weapon and a decoy. A bait we throw when we need to, and you bite. A final demonstration. Do see: